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hi everyone. i'm new here. i’ve been feeling incredibly low for most of this year. i started to write my story out here, but it got to be so many paragraphs that i just deleted them in exasperation. what i really need is to be in therapy again. difficulty is, i am currently living in remote, rural Canada. The closest therapists are a good hour drive away, and i do not drive (i have epilepsy). the only person who can really drive me places is my dad, but because of his work it's unreliable. he never really knows when he's going to be in town. 

anyway, i'll attempt to summarize. i'm going to be 27 in a month. i find this terrifying. i was laid off from a really good job almost two years ago- which sounds like a long time but i'm still not over it. even though i was really unhappy at that job, i find it hard to remember how quote "successful" i was doing and how far i seem to have fallen. i lived with my parents from january to the end of april this year, which was difficult, to say the least. i backpacked Europe for 4 months in the spring and summer, hoping to find myself or something cliche like that. i'm proud of that trip, considering all i was up against .. traveling solo with a disability- epilepsy- plus having anxiety issues and bouts of depression. but yeah, as far as 'finding myself', i basically made zero progress. i've been unemployed since i got back from europe mid August. the reasons for that are complicated so I won't get into it, suffice to say that unemployment doesn't help when i'm trying to keep my depression at bay.

there are moments, hours, even sometimes days were when i feel really confident about myself. i can breathe and i just tell myself that my life is not a race and everything needs to be one day at a time. on my best days i believe that i am the creative, artistic, capable person that people are always saying i am. i believe i can really do amazing things. and then there are times like now, which seem to be dominating my life lately, when i just feel so overwhelmed... and alone. and directionless. no idea what i'm supposed to do with my life. like i am heading nowhere and never will be. i'm so stuck. this morning was particularly terrible. i woke up and immediately realized i'd had a dream about cutting, which i haven't thought about in a long time. and then i obsessed and thought about it for hours. a lot of this has to do with my environment; i have close to zero opportunity to socialize.. the access to activities/resources/relationships that improve my well being are cutoff for the foreseeable future.

anyway, hello.

Edited by vaneau
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Hello. Welcome to CB!

If you like to write a lot of paragraphs you might like to have a blog here. You can make it as public or as private as you like. If you need any help with that or anything else feel free to contact the staff here. You can PM the mod/admin of your choice or make a post.

It's hard to be in a rural area. It makes me wish that more care providers allowed for skype-based care. Something that I've found helpful when depressed is to just get out of the house. Every single day. Even if it's just to go outside for 15 minutes. I'm not sure what volunteer opportunities exist in your area but I didn't figure out what I might be interested in until I was 30. I spent a few years indoors, depressed, first. And as I started volunteering I started getting a sense of where I might see myself getting paid doing something similar.

Good for you for backpacking around Europe! I don't think that there's such a thing as "finding oneself." I suspect that it's an ongoing, lifelong, process. 

Looking forward to seeing your posts around.

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Welcome Vaneau....I like Rosie's idea of getting out the house every day.  If you're too rural to get to a volunteer opportunity without driving, perhaps a walk?  That is one of my behavioural activations (part of CBT) right now.  

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@WinterRosie Thanks for your reply. Yeah... I should be going outside more. I've been doing some physical work on my father's farm and I always feel a lot better on those days. He has been away lately, though. My agoraphobia springs up now and again, which can be a challenge. As for the concept of 'finding oneself', I completely agree that it's not really a real thing, hence the quotations. I suppose I'm just dealing with the aftermath of that trip, and the fact that society at large seems to think I should have things figured out now that I'm well traveled... Or, maybe just my parents think that. Haha.

Perhaps I will start a blog. I used to use  LJ years ago but then that sort of fell out of fashion..  I really wish there were more healthcare providers willing to Skype, too. I'm still hoping to find one.


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You said it: "life is not a race". Just live day by day. Future doesnt exist, live the present, each moment and write the story of your life each second, each minute. You said you are "directionless".....I have "healthy friends" who are around 40 years old who are "normal" according to what Society says, but when I talk to them I feel they are the ones who are "directionless", their life go in circles. I feel I have grown as a person. So take your spare time to really get to know yourself, do the things you really like, find a hobby. Deconstruct your ego or fixed image you have about yourself. Allow yourself to have bad days....remember we are all humans

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