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I get like this in mid-november of every year. I can't quite put it into words, but I'll try.

I'm just so fucking bored. I feel like I've got no direction in my life. I'm 18 and a half, and a freshman at a prestigious university. When I think of how quickly the last five years have passed and how much has changed, I just want to turn back time and relive it. I don't know why.

I'm very tense and on edge. I don't know what to do with myself. I only took 15 credits this semester, I feel lazy about it. I'm getting a new roommate tomorrow (she's a friend of mine), but I've lived alone for a week and I'm not sure how well I'll adjust to cohabitation again.

I have no reason to feel bored. I have the holidays coming up (I love holidays), and I have two or three papers due at the beginning of next month. I'm modeling for an art class. There should be plenty to do, but I'm too lazy to start.

I love my job on campus. I only work four nights a week, and my schedule is going to change next semester. I don't want it to, the one I have now works out perfectly.

I think what I want to say is I don't want things to change. They've already changed enough. I keep thinking I want to go back to high school, but my last two years were very tough (hello depression), my "friends" turned out to mostly be assholes and the whole area I'm from is toxic. I don't even read new books anymore, just to keep things the same.

So I run from responsibility. I want to be a teenager forever. I still feel like I'm fifteen years old. I'm not sure how I'll handle the real world. I think that might be part of the reason I didn't learn to drive- I couldn't fathom the idea of being self-sufficient. (I think I made a post like this in the anxiety board a while ago...)

Sorry if this post was rambling/whining or went in too many different directions. I just want to know if there's anyone else out there who refuses to act their age, and if this could be a side effect of my depression (I think it is). This may have actually been better suited to the autism board.

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When I start to feel like what you describe, it is usually the beginning of a depression.  I don't always notice at first, and when I don't I am usually too far gone and need a med change or something.

Have you gotten in touch with your pdoc recently?

I hope things start to look up for you so you can enjoy college and all you are involved in. 

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What you describe is essentially what I feel all year round. The now feels too fragile and scary and the past seems structured and safe. I don't really want the responsibility of independent living, I know eventually I'll need to be but, again, scary. 

I guess it's like growing pains, it'll diminish eventually as you become accustom to adult life but it's little solace for the time being, isn't it?     

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18 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

When I start to feel like what you describe, it is usually the beginning of a depression.  I don't always notice at first, and when I don't I am usually too far gone and need a med change or something.

Have you gotten in touch with your pdoc recently?

I hope things start to look up for you so you can enjoy college and all you are involved in. 

I haven't seen my pdoc for over a month. I don't think I see her again until January. I'll ask my mother.

Thanks for the kind words, though.

 

In response to SD:

That's basically it, thanks for putting it into words. Mine's might go away by this time next month, but I don't know right now.

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