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BlurredBoundaries

two years after termination

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The assumption that therapy has to be long term to be effective isn't necessarily true. 

I think if you are approaching therapy as a "corrective emotional experience" it can take longer.

If you think of it as a place to learn and practice skills that you then go home and apply in your day to day life and report back on, it can be less long in terms of session length or number of sessions.

Both approaches are valid.

I am pretty convinced it's really important to know what you want to get out of therapy and how you're going to get there... to partner with your therapist in working together to help you create the kind of life you want, rather than just showing up and hoping something useful happens.

I know not everyone feels similarly, but I think it's pretty important.

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16 minutes ago, WinterRosie said:

I remember when you were contemplating whether to see another intern or not. If you see another intern then you won't have the certainty of them sticking around for years.

The only reason I think I might have to get another intern is because I can't afford a "real" therapist. (I hope me saying a real one isn't offensive.Just couldn't think of a more appreciate word)

17 minutes ago, Wooster said:

The assumption that therapy has to be long term to be effective isn't necessarily true. 

I think if you are approaching therapy as a "corrective emotional experience" it can take longer.

If you think of it as a place to learn and practice skills that you then go home and apply in your day to day life and report back on, it can be less long in terms of session length or number of sessions.

Both approaches are valid.

I am pretty convinced it's really important to know what you want to get out of therapy and how you're going to get there... to partner with your therapist in working together to help you create the kind of life you want, rather than just showing up and hoping something useful happens.

I know not everyone feels similarly, but I think it's pretty important.

That's good to hear.Thanks again Wooster.I just thought a therapist would help me decide things a little more.It seems like I shouldn't expect that though.I guess I need to be a little more proactive about the whole thing.

I think I'm looking for a mixture of a correctional emotional experience plus a place to learn and practice skills.

It just feels too overwhelming right now.

I think I need to shut my brain off for a while. Thanks again to everyone who responded.

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I think you should ask around. My therapist is not an intern, but does not take my insurance. She has a sliding scale fee and I pay $40 a session. To me, it's worth it.

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I pay sliding scale as well. It's worth it to me to pay it now so that I don't have to keep going forever into the future which I'm sure would be more costly (partly in reduced functionality) in the long run.

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I've had a male tdoc or two who have given me "that look" before. Like I need to spill my guts right then and there. Just wanted to share my experience with that kind of situation.

I don't do that well with that kind of unstructured therapy either. I need an idea of what we are working towards. Not just "spill your guts about everything asap." And leave feeling like wtf was all that gut spilling for? I feel worse. I also don't like to be the one to bring up everything that we talk about. I kinda go blank a lot.

And I don't think all female tdoc's have that type of gut spilling therapy. Some offer very structured and goal oriented therapy. My tdoc is female and very much structured. In fact she is so inflexible if I were to want to discuss something outside of her DBT book. 

Just a thought that maybe you are needing or wanting more structured therapy like DBT. That way you won't be expected to "spill your guts" or given that look either.

Hope that helps. 

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese

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Thank you for sharing that Cheese.I know what you mean about spilling all your guys, and then feeling like wtf did I just spill all my guts for? That was funny cause it's so true for me sonetimes.But most of the time I do like spilling my guts.DBT sounds like something I should really look into though.Thank you for mentioning it!!

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11 hours ago, BlurredBoundaries said:

Okaaaay,

maybe I'm a little out of my mind at the moment but, hey, that's what we deal with here, right?

So it's finally been two years since my ex Tdoc terminated with me, and in the beginning, I always had this thought that he would contact me to hang out with me once the two years goes by (I gave him my phone number and email address in a gift at our last session)

Well..that hasn't happened...yet. Hahaha.

I know this is crazy but I feel like I want to call him and either ask him if we could hang out now, or if he could tell me what I did to make him hate me as a patient, or..if he doesn't want to hang out, if maybe I could come start seeing him again.

He was an intern when he was my Tdoc, but he was damn good at what he did, and now he has his own practice. I know this from Google stalking him.

But part of me is afraid to get in touch because I'm not sure if he does hate me.I think I made his job really hard, and I'm a little embarrassed. But a bigger part of me really wants some kind of answers or closure or even, yes, some kind of relationship with him, now that the two years has passed.

What should I do? Just forget about it? Give him a call? If I do,what should I say?

Maybe I'm just sad and lonely right now but I doubt I'm ever going to completely forget about this . He was my first T and he influenced me alot.

I feel like it's important to atleast try?

I did this with a former pdoc, and it had been many years since seeing him (>5 years), and I wrote to him at his home address (he was retired) asking if he wanted to go out to lunch sometime.  He said he had to talk to the ethics committee first.  FF time, and the ethics committee said not a good idea.  I don't know the reasons though.  But we wrote back and forth a few times and then that came to an end.  The whole things was an ethics committee decision.  (And I know he contacted the ethics committee because that is something he would definitely do).

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1 minute ago, melissaw72 said:

I did this with a former pdoc, and it had been many years since seeing him (>5 years), and I wrote to him at his home address (he was retired) asking if he wanted to go out to lunch sometime.  He said he had to talk to the ethics committee first.  FF time, and the ethics committee said not a good idea.  I don't know the reasons though.  But we wrote back and forth a few times and then that came to an end.  The whole things was an ethics committee decision.  (And I know he contacted the ethics committee because that is something he would definitely do).

Sheesh! Why did he have to ask the damn ethics commitee if he was already retired? Such a stickler for the rules! Pffff!<_<

That was interesting to read about though.It's a shame you guys don't talk anymore.Thank you for sharing Melissa!!

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You're welcome :) .  Idk why he had to deal with the ethics committee either.  I was kind of pissed because he was already retired, and it really wouldn't be a problem, IMO.  If he were still practicing I would understand it better why he would contact the ethics committee.  But yeah, Idk why he had to involve the ethics committee at that point in his life, after being retired for many years.

But maybe there was something he knew that I didn't and never brought it up.

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just adding a bit about female vs male therapists. in my experience, the most assertive and helpful therapist i've had was a female tdoc because the rest of the time the therapists just stared at me with a sympathetic face and some even asked me what about them was making me uncomfortable. the worst offender for that terrible technique was an older male therapist with a lot of experience. it was brutal and i couldn't stand it. he dismissed my clinical depression as angry feelings from childhood that have festered into sadness and then stared at me for 45 minutes waiting for me to cry about it.

the second worst therapist was also another male therapist with a ton of experience who i found too pushy - would keep asking me personal questions i had even gone as far as to put in writing that i didn't want to discuss. the third worst was a young female intern who looked like she wanted to cry everytime she looked at me. that was disturbing.

i'm personally more comfortable with female therapists and i've had both. i feel i can't be as open with male therapists and there's a level of discomfort that's not there with female ones. so in that way i'm biased towards female therapists - however - i can tell you that the approach you hate that you're speaking of is not at all specific to female therapists and if it were then i'd never have any hope in therapy. 

i'm not an emotional-blurting out-spill my guts-give me sympathy type of patient and therapists and psychiatrists have complained about it to me. i need a very specific type of approach where they are both assertive and intuitive. know when to push and when to be kind and always use facts and reason with a compassionate edge. i've found that chemistry and balance hard to find but there are rare tdocs out there who will be ideal for you. i've found that dynamic in two different female therapists before.

 

i'm also here to echo that you definitely should look into a therapist - male or female - with a lot of experience with your specific issues. a garden variety intern is useless to you.

from my point of view, that if any of your docs or tdocs wanted a personal relationship with you then they would have approached you or responded to your advances. and in your case - especially because you have erotic transference and obsessive tendencies and they know this - that it could be seen as especially unethical for them and you'd be potentially putting them in a very uncomfortable situation.

 

have you had many female tdocs? i think it would be interesting to try out one who's an expert in DBT and BPD. worst case scenario is that it's terrible and you're no better off than you are now except for having learned that from the experience. it could also be just for the meantime while you're looking for an experienced male tdoc who's very familiar with transference and similar issues.

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13 hours ago, BlurredBoundaries said:

So it's finally been two years since my ex Tdoc terminated with me, and in the beginning, I always had this thought that he would contact me to hang out with me once the two years goes by (I gave him my phone number and email address in a gift at our last session)

Well, I think there might be rules and regulations surrounding this. It's two years... but even after a T has been your T, I think they assume the T stance for a long time... I think I heard it is because what if you someday resume therapy with them again?

And also they have to think of your best interest, like whether it would be ethical or not. Also I think it is 5 years now in the U.S for some states and under some codes for a sexual/romantic relationship to happen which I think hardly ever happens. 

You could try contacting your T by letter or by his professional number to ask to have coffee or to talk or whatever, if he says it's not a good idea I wouldn't take it personally. I'm sure he only has your best interest in mind as a professional, and I'm sure he doesn't " hate you" or whatever negativity. He probably likes you as a person, he just wouldn't be able to because of him being your old T.

Also to " hang out with him" might be a little weird and disappointing IMO, just a thought. I get the same wish sometimes with my current T whom I am terminating with .... however you could never have that same T/client relationship with them again... it would be weird to hear about my T's love life and deal with her problems and it would take away from what I liked so much about the relationship was the unconditional love and caring and advice even two years down the line. I sometimes think in my mind we'd make great friends because of the connection we have in session but that is just in session, it's different then being friends. 

 I have googled  my T online a few times. Yeah from her Facebook and Instagram page I can see we have some similar interest( like liking the same music and movies) but how do I really know that we are alike or could hang out as friends... maybe she's someone I wouldn't click with in my personal life... I have no clue. On that note, I don't think what your old T really thinks of you should be that important. You can try and maybe feel a little disappointed if he doesn't or he can't or whatever, but really don't hinge so much on it. There are probably dudes in your personal life that make much better friends then your old T could or would.

 

 

 

Edited by sleepy borderline

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10 hours ago, BlurredBoundaries said:

 

I would imagine that a therapist would tell me what to do or give me homework or something but, then, I don't think therapy is supposed to work that way?

I think I just need a therapist I know is going to stick around for years.I think it's going to take me a long time to even get to a point where I can think about that. 

Am I being naive?

 

 

 

My T was an intern at a non-profit mental health facility... I never paid a dime to go see her, it was completely paid for by Medi-cal. Two years into seeing her she got licensed and I'm just ending with her now. She has been my therapist since May 2001 and we are just ending this month. Sometimes you just luck out in seeing someone for many years. There are/were other therapists there at the clinic who were not interns, many of them work on the side at private practice and they are licensed MFT's and LCSW's.

You can find someone good at a clinic, but I think you might have be open to at least trying a female T and/or someone who does more structured therapy. In hindsight the loss of my current T can be seen as a good thing b/c now I can find someone who is actually trained in DBT, which I should have done all along. My T was great at CBT and talk therapy, etc. but I could have benefited from more structured therapy.

 

Edited by sleepy borderline

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Thank you cosima & sleepy borderline.I just wanted to say I read what you wrote and both of your replies were so thoughtful and helpful to me but I'm having a really hard time today.I wish I could write more but I feel terrible.I just want to say thank you so much.I appreciate your replies

 

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16 minutes ago, BlurredBoundaries said:

I found his personal cell phone number and I'm feeling bored and reckless. Somebody stop me!

Don't call. You are no longer his patient. You probably signed a release that you wouldn't contact outside of treatment.

 

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It's kind of creepy to call him out of the blue on his PERSONAL cell phone (I'm not yelling, just emphasizing).  Think of how you would feel if someone contacted you like that.  

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I didn't sign anything like that.

Sorry if I sound nuts but the urge is VERY strong right now.The only thing stopping me is not the possibility of rejection, but the fact that I had to go through 18 pages of Google to find his info.

I know jarn.I know I'm being creepy but I'm having a hard time stopping myself.Thanks everyone for trying to talk me out of it! I still want to though.

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Would you be content to wait until Monday and call the office? You could ask for a referral. It wouldn't be creepy at all.

i have Google stalked or whatever it is called, before too. Curiosity sometimes gets the best of me.

but, I really don't think you should call

Edited by confused

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Do you mean call his new therapy office and ask for a referral to see him again, or to see another Tdoc, confused?

*I think I would also feel stupid that I Googled his new office's number too*

But obviously feeling stupid isn't enough to stop me.Bwahahaha!

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