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I'm in a dark place


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The brain cooties are winning.  I'm neglecting my responsibilities.  I'm doing my best to alienate my SO.  I'm unhappy most of the time.  I'm suicidal much of the time.  I'm sleeping all of the time.  I'm losing my trademark sense of humour.

I'm not well and I have no perspective on how to fix that.

i am afraid...

of dying. of living. of love. of hate.

of being alone. of being together. of being rich. of being poor.

of violence. serenity. of getting old. of staying young.

of people watching me. of people not watching me.

of being ugly. of being beautiful. of being laughed at. not being funny.

of eating. of starving. of gaining weight. and getting thin.

of getting mad. and not getting mad enough. of listening. ignoring.

avoiding sex. and talking about sex. conversation. not being spoken to.

of honesty. of lying. monogamy. nonmonogamy. monogamy. monogamy.

i think i'm human

                    Sonic Animation

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The brain cooties are winning.  I'm neglecting my responsibilities.  I'm doing my best to alienate my SO.  I'm unhappy most of the time.  I'm suicidal much of the time.  I'm sleeping all of the time.  I'm losing my trademark sense of humour.

I'm not well and I have no perspective on how to fix that.

i am afraid...

of dying. of living. of love. of hate.

of being alone. of being together. of being rich. of being poor.

of violence. serenity. of getting old. of staying young.

of people watching me. of people not watching me.

of being ugly. of being beautiful. of being laughed at. not being funny.

of eating. of starving. of gaining weight. and getting thin.

of getting mad. and not getting mad enough. of listening. ignoring.

avoiding sex. and talking about sex. conversation. not being spoken to.

of honesty. of lying. monogamy. nonmonogamy. monogamy. monogamy.

i think i'm human

Sonic Animation

Oh, my carbo loving friend...I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and now that I think about it, you haven't been posting. My picture is all over the dictionary, including where "self-centered" is defined.

I enjoyed chatting with you that one night. You and other gang bangers got me through that night.

I hope you are taking steps to feel better, I'm having a pre-emptive (sp?, grammar, CS, somebody, help me out on that word) strike on my sinking state, because I'm tanking too.

I'm feeling better because I'm moving out of my parents house today, remember I'm an old bat with one almost grown and one oops who is 10, so living with the Ps has been a nightmare. nuff said.

I'll keep you in my thoughts today. Which direction shall I point my good energy laser from the USA, mid-atlantic region?

Hang in their. We need you.

Hugs,

Suze (formerly Honker the bird)

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Pastafarian:

I'm sorry I'd overlooked your substantial absence as well, and that you are feeling so bad.

What are you doing to deal with this? Will you be seeing your pdoc soon?

Your concerned pal,

revlow

PS - Your "creative intelligence" has been missed. ;)

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Please if suicidal, thoughts anything go get help immediately.

I have been sleeping way too much this week, getting up at noon. But today even took nap!

I woke to see that my husband was not here. He is so tired of me, my being so down, while waking in the 5 pm darkness I realized that it was exactly ;)   2 years ago from today (late night,tonight), that he found me, at near death, he thought dead.  :)

No wonder he left this afternoon. He has tried all week to get me out of house, he took time off from his office to be with me.

I am back this week to waiting by phone, thinking kids have to call me while off for Holiday.

We got to take care of ourselves, or we will be all alone maybe forever as I am sitting here now.

I know nice pep talk.

I just don't want anybody to lose what I did, or go thru more pain than they have to. I have been a stubborn case to therapy, to letting go, taking care of me, thinking future.

I may have been so stubborn I might just get what I have been acting like, pushing all away.

Be all alone completely.

Aly

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Oh, Pastafarian--

Oh Jesus, did I write that post and not know it?  My world fell neatly apart today, into a million little broken pieces, started cycling like mad, spent money in Wally-World lke a feind,(BUT__forgot the one thing I really needed to buy_) then broke down cause they woulnd't take my check card, even tho my hubby had deposited his check that AM. The DID take my check, for all that stuff I didn't need. (weeping and wailing at the manager might have made a diffference--)

Screamed in the car, cried, drove like a maniac (almost  had FOUR wrecks in about 5 miles) came home toted the useless shit in and stood there, looking at all those pills, crying and saying outloud how I do no one any good. Still crying, still feel useless and am figuring out ways to just pack my shit and leave without my husband knowing--in lieu of offing myself with the pills.

I was already crying when I got to Wally's, cause I just had spent an HOUR on an interview for a crummy $10/hour job that I am way over qualified for-they want to hire me--AT THE END OF FEB.  It will be back to the food bank by then, folks. So=--no job, no money,no rent, no food, no utilities, no money, no job, and the hits just keep on coming.

I cannot keep doing this--I want to go home, I want to not be here, not in this place with these people who don't know me or care about me.

Oh, please, just make it stop---It had stopped for so long, I was doing so good, why did it start again??  The holidays went fine, had a good job interview (NOT offer, just interview)--and then--wham, here I am, throwing the cat, crying, screaming, figuring out if I can get alL my clothes in my car, or all my pills in my stomach, which ever.But there's no gas in the car, and I can't use the card, so the pills seem to be more atractive and much easier-but much scarier and much more permanent--is that what I really want?

I am so scared, so tired, so angry, so useless, so stupid.

Why do I hav to feel like this?  I hate the person I become, HATE her, she's weak and useless and weepy and stupid, and doesn't deserve to spend any money--after all, she didn't earn any of it.

I just want to die--just go away from all this--I hurt like there is a crack in my soul.

Why did this hapen when I was feeling so god, doing so well?  FUCK THIS.  I AM OVER THIS. I CANNOT STAND THIS.

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China:

I can't remember where you stand pdoc-wise. Sorry. Instead of trying to go through all your posts, I have one Q: Is there someone (pdoc or otherwise) you can call for help? If not, get somewhere for help pronto. I don't want something bad to happen to you.

Please take care,

revlow

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Dear China~ Please seek help immediately, call a help line talk , see if that calms down, if not go right to ER!

I would Never attempt again, Never, it cost me more than my life.

And you know what I want so much to live and hang on to hope.

Aly

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I am now yelling obscenities at the UPS man over the phone but feeling the cycle switch yet again--I think I have cycled about 4 times in the last hour.  This is so awful--

But I do feel safe--I have people I can call, my son particularly, since we have a pact, and I have talked him down many times. Right now, just irritable as hell, so angry, so furious and wired and pissed off and--there aren't enough words.

Oh--and now comes the crying again.  I am a one-woman 5-ticket ride. Jesus, I hate this.

Call to horrid Pdoc, who is sleeze personified, will have to be made. Can't do this alone, it seems. 

OK, called son, left message, will wait to talk to him before calleing horrid Pdoc, whom I despise and will only tell me to go to ER, and I will have to drive myself there and I dodn't know where to go, and I just cannot do that.  Think I 'd rather stay alive and yell at the UPS people or something.

But Jesus, this is so awful.  Its like every cycle I didn't have for the last 3 months has happened in the last 3 hours.

Thanks, guys--now I am really crying, cause there are people who care--

china, who is the biggest psych. mess in all of red-neck-dom at this moment

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Guest FrannyNZooey

China ~ it is good, yell at those fuckin UPS men, yell at anyone and all of them, they probably all fucked up some time .  If feeling ok and truly hate ER, call son, and just keep on yelling.

What is worse that can happen? Someone call police, and they give you free ride to ER, so that worry off  mind, how to get there. See upside to anything.

I been there, had the special ride, from ex's house. Well I think hanging from window while trying to break in.  ;)

You totally are not alone.

Aly

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Been checking to see if anyone posted back. I pray you are both alright.

Please let know. Soon be shutting this down.

Know we all care so much.

Love, Aly

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Hello, hello, hello!

China and Past,

In your twisted state of thinking you do not realize how many people do CARE about you; not just people on the board, but everywhere.  Do something now to help yourself and talk, talk, talk to someone who can help you.  I just came out of a deep, dark hole from what I thought there was no escape; I was thinking like you several months ago.

You are worth it, people do love you and these self defeating, self hating thoughts will end.

From someone who has attempted suicide; it is not the answer, just like Aly said. 

You have been around here so much to help others, let others help you now.

Peace and love,

Anne

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China and Pasta,

Let us know how you are today. I don't think I've communicated with either of you directly, so you don't "know" me, but there's so many of us here that care, even if you don't realize it.

I hope you have a little light in your day, enough to give you strength.

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Please do let us know, we are here, and as told so many others in life too.

And as A M put very well, this is not like those colds we try to treat, that do always end up to be Hell of sinus infection I know for me.

Aly

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Better today, tired, like a hang-over, depressed because my NY eve plans got fucked up. Going to the Beach tomorrow--my place to heal.  Talked long and hard to my son this AM--what a gift from the goddess he truly is--suggested I do something worthless and mindless, something that was NOT important or would cause any stress--so I made lables on my new printer for my calendar, and played with the new digital camera a bit. 

THEN I balanced the check book and discovered that tho we have $700, we can't get to it till Tues, cause it was a manual check from my husband's company, and the bank has a hold on it.  So here we sit.  And I so wanted this to be a nite where we could make a new start, sort of.  Symbolically. All I wanted was a steak and a decent glass of wine, and my husband's undivided attention for an hour or so--no such luck.  I wonder if we wil be together this time next yeat??

Bad evening--but I AM making it. I WILL make it.  I HAVE to make it.  But jesus, when I think that I will spend the rest of my life in this house, in this city, in this state--or will I even be here, married, next year??  I want to be, I am working hard, I made a committment to be, but oh, fuck, this is really hard.

And how can I take a job with so much responsibility as the one I want when I fall apart like I did yesterday--with no reason, and no notice?? 

I think the time of year is significant ,tho I did well at Cmas.

Bless each of you for your love and care and help and concern--this  board, and my son, are truly my lifelines right now (till I find a decent Pdoc) and I bless each of you for your compassion and understanding.

love , china

And a blessed new year to each of you, and may you find whatever it is you seek and you need.

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CC

Wow you've been on interviews already! way to go

reads like you have accomplished alot from this side of the monitor, in a short time too

come on China Dorothy click those red shoes 3Xs...YOU are THE home, home IS where YOU are

Pastafarian where are you?

Aly great posts from the heart-as usual

I just wanna slap your boys (verbally of course), but you never know, or maybe you do, how controled they are by dad's side aka: brainwashed?

Do you have a journal that you could share with them some day?

all Happy New Year, here's to hope!!!

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