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Wrecked Mentally and emotionally


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I don't know where to start other to say that I'm feeling really messed up and trapped right now.

I've been in this depressive episode since last fall.  It wasn't too bad and I could still function. My pd put me on Wellbutrin and that sent me into agitated depression.  This was the start of the med go round. Tried lamictal and that too sent me into agitated hell.  At one point I went on Paxil and it threw me down so far I was suicidal.  I was in so much pain.  Tried more meds and they too caused my anxiety to go through the roof.

Since this summer I have been in a complete state of despair with total anhedonia.  There is not one thing that has given me one bit of pleasure, not even eating. In addition, I'm completely numb and feel disconnected from everyone and life. On top of that, I'm depersonalized do to the anxiety from the meds. I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. My therapist also thinks I have PTSD.

My mind is constantly thinking about my illnesses and I can't turn it off.  I can't watch tv or do much of anything because my concentration is so bad.

When I'm not having dark obsessive thoughts, my mind is blank.  Can't even day dream anymore. My brain feels like mush.

What do you do with yourself when you can't feel or enjoy a single moment?

I have no desire for anything.  Can't even decide what I want to eat. No joy, excitement, pleasure, comfort, happiness or sense of well being.  I feel like someone came in during the night and stole my wonderful life away from me.  I was so happy and content before this all started.

I have no quality of life and am suffering. I sit in a chair and look on the computer all day about MI and count the hours until I can go to bed so I can get up and do it all over again. I've been reading so much and now think I have personality disorders too.

Only leave the house for dr appointments and pretty much stopped driving because of the depersonalization.  

I'm married and have a 10 year old son.  I need to get better for them.  My husband works full time and has had to take on all the house hold duties as well.

Right now, I'm doing deep tms but have a while to go with the treatments.

On Friday I see my PD and I need to know what the back up plan will be if the tms doesn't fix the issues.  I have a feeling ect will be brought up.

For those of you who had ect, did it help with anhedonia or numb feelings? Did your happiness come back?

I was thinking of trying a MOAI but then again, I hate to waste more time on meds. Must rev up the anxiety so I'm afraid of that too.

I'm so fucked up right now and feel like I'll never be normal again.

Thank you for reading and any suggestions would be great.

Edited by Fluffypinkbunny
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I read your thing and I relate so much.

I'm living in hell too.I have an 8 yr old and a wife I need to be strong for.

I can't get out of bed.I sleep about 16 hrs a day.on a ton of meds that does not work.

I'm 44 and ,been living with MI for 20 yrs and can barely remember having a life,

I've recently been through a year of psychosis and Im supposed to be " well again" now.I'm not.

I'm in school again but can't concentrate and it's just embarrasing.

I don;t know what to do.

good luck to you!

 

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I don't know what other meds you've tried, but you might consider a tricyclic. They don't have the diet problem like MAOIs. Doxepin finally ended my anhedonia after a year of depression . I titrated up from 50mg, 50mg at a time. It didn't really do much of anything until I got to 250mg. YMMV, of course, but it may be worth a try. 

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Hi Sook!

Just got back from treatment.  I'm halfway there.  I noticed a little change the first week but really can't say how.  Every two days they up the intensity.  It's a slow process.  Talked with the dr about my back up plan.  We're planning on trying a MOAI next week but I think I'd like to hold out until after I'm done with the tms  If the tms doesn't work he said I could go to NYC and have ketamine but since it's not fda approved, insurance won't cover it. We don't have that kind of money laying around.  Other choice is ect.  I'm really not afraid of it as my father had several rounds when I was little.  He told me that ect was the only thing that ever worked for him.

I'm sorry you are in bad shape like me:(  The anhedonia is killing me.  Do you have that too?

Edited by Fluffypinkbunny
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3 hours ago, Fluffypinkbunny said:

Hi Sook!

Just got back from treatment.  I'm halfway there.  I noticed a little change the first week but really can't say how.  Every two days they up the intensity.  It's a slow process.  Talked with the dr about my back up plan.  We're planning on trying a MOAI next week but I think I'd like to hold out until after I'm done with the tms  If the tms doesn't work he said I could go to NYC and have ketamine but since it's not fda approved, insurance won't cover it. We don't have that kind of money laying around.  Other choice is ect.  I'm really not afraid of it as my father had several rounds when I was little.  He told me that ect was the only thing that ever worked for him.

I'm sorry you are in bad shape like me:(  The anhedonia is killing me.  Do you have that too?

Hi Fluffy,

Yeah the anhedonia is awful, I just can't get the stuff I need to get done - done. I just go to bed early to sleep through it. I hope the TMS works for you. So your Father had ECT done, how many times ? Did he have to get maintenance treatments ?

hope we feel better soon ?

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Thanks sook!  The part about all this that gets me the most is that I can't stop thinking about my illness.  It never turns off. I'd be so happy if I could sleep or watch tv during the day but it's impossible. No joke my brain is going all day and night about it until I go to bed.  There are no breaks

He had two or three breakdowns with long normal stretches in-between.  This was back in the 70's. 

Do you work?  How long has this been going on for you?

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I do work from home but my depression has caused me to lose my busniess - so no more work, have to start living off my savings, thinking of applying for SSDI.

How is your Father doing these days, sorry to hear about his breakdowns. How long of normal spells did he have ? Did he need have to have ECT between his breakdowns ?

Sorry for all the questions. If you don't mind telling what kind of medical conditions are you dealing with ?

I am dealing with a disease in my hands which causes me pain to do the things I use to do - that's what causing my depression, it hurts just to ty my shoes.

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18 hours ago, Fluffypinkbunny said:

The part about all this that gets me the most is that I can't stop thinking about my illness.  It never turns off. 

It is a conundrum that depression seems to feed on itself. What helps me a LOT (besides meds) is being able to focus my mind elsewhere and not only keep thinking about my illness and how I'm feeling at each moment of the day. Now my mood fluctuates throughout the day. But when my depression was at its worst if I queried myself as to how I was feeling at any particular time, I had a good chance of answering "horrible" and would feel even worse. I found it helpful to turn my mind's eye outward and not inward. I never learned anything from introspection that I didn't already know. It's just a knotted mess inside without any particular meaning.

This is not easy to do. As I said, depression feeds on itself. The more depressed I became, the more introspective I became and hence the more depressed I became. What helps me are meds and developing interests outside of my illness. 

So I think it might help you to break the cycle of introspection and thinking about your illness. It might require ECT. An MAOI might help. I don't know. But when you see a crack in the door, no matter how small, jump on it! If you feel like taking a walk on one day, do it. If you find yourself wanting to take up or resume a hobby, do it. Do it even if the desire is fleeting and not strong. A small crack in the door of depression might lead to a larger crack which might lead to opening the door. Remember that meds only do so much. You can waste years (I have) waiting on meds to work.

My psychiatrist is a big proponent of developing goals or something that you can work towards. I had a relapse of depression not long ago, but I found a goal and worked toward achieving it. I am now much better. Once I achieved the goal, I kinda felt let down. I'm looking for something else to focus on.

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Sook, I'm so sorry about your business:(  Sorry about the pain too. If you don't mind, what's your condition.  If you don't want to share no biggie.  I don't have any health issues really that would cause me to be depressed.  You might want to get the papers for ssdi.  It may take some time for the process. My husband got the papers started for me.

My dad passed away 6 years ago from lung cancer and he also had dementia.  He didn't need maintence treatments that I ever remember.  He would be gone in the hospital for like a month and would come home better and go back to work.  How he did it I'll never know.  He was the treasurer at a local collage.  I know he applied for disability at one time but they wouldn't give it to him. He had to work no matter what to support a wife and 4 kids.

JT thank you so much for your response and help! I'm glad you're feeling better again too. My poor brain is so exhausted from all the negative introspection 24/7.  All of a sudden I couldn't focus at all.  My mind just wouldn't shut off no matter what I tried for distraction.  Today after treatment I spoke with my dr and he wanted me to try a baby dose of Ritalin.  I was blown away and frightened as just about any med, sends me into orbit. Wellbutron and Lamictal were hell.  I said no way I would ever be able to handle any kind of stim.

I have a long history of anxiety and panic attacks.

Anyhow, I got the script and stared at the pill for a long time and considered my options.  As this point my brain is mush so why not try it.

I took it and waited for signs of agitation with my lorazapam in hand.  Nothing happened.  I didn't have any anxiety or agitation!  My mind seems more calm too.  Maybe this is a good sign that I'll be able to tolerate it and be able to go up to a higher dose. 

For the first time in 6 months I have hope that I'm going to get better.  It's going to take time but I think I'm on the right path with the tms.  Just wish it went quicker.

Edited by Fluffypinkbunny
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I like Ritalin. It only helps marginally, but I'll take it. I'm kind of weird in that stims actually calm my anxiety rather than giving me anxiety. The only thing is that the "come down" from Ritalin is unpleasant and the anxiety returns. If you got the long-acting form, then it's better.

I'm very happy the TMS seems to be helping you. You sound better! I hope it continues to get even better for you. Depression is an ugly abyss.

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Fluffy,

I have a disease that makes it hard to make a fist, the tendons in my fingers are very sore. Sorry to hear of your Dad passing he sounds like a strong individual to do what he did and take care of his family.

Good luck with the TMS.

If your Father could not qualify for SSDI I wonder if we will ?

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