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Feeling like you've ruined your life


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I dealt with psychotic/depressive/anxiety symptoms for years, but one day, I decided to talk about them. And ever since then, I've felt like I ruined my life. Sure, I was miserable before, but now? I'm failing school (which might be because of the psych meds [I never had the problems until I started meds]), I'm a grade behind everyone else, my parents don't trust me/keep asking me if everything's okay, some job opportunities have closed, I can't study abroad cause I need a pdoc, my friends have left me, I'm in constant fear I'll be hospitalized again...and nothing's gotten better. So yeah. I was miserable before I spoke, but I'd rather keep dealing with it than dealing with the way my life is now and still being miserable. 

I don't know. Has anyone else felt this way?

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All the time. I left school with Ds and Es, I did go to college and was able to get a Nation Diploma in IT and retake GCSE Maths which I got a C in but I feel like I missed a load of preparation due to poor executive function in school. I've also had this bad habit of comparing myself to my peers from school and college, seeing how far they've gone in life and I'm still here living with my parents at almost 25 years old, no IT apprenticeship, no full driver's license, depressed and anxious, and it destroys me. Everyone tells me to give myself praise for how far I've come this year with coping but it's just not enough for me.

Edited by Southern Discomfort
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Depends on what you view as success in life. I feel mostly happy with my life (not my illness) but I suppose others might view it differently. It's been carved into the way it is now by my MI.

I guess I would be "sad" maybe, if I weren't so much of a loner naturally. I've lost the majority of my friends, haven't worked in almost 11 years, I have nothing going on outside my home except a short volunteer job each week (I wouldn't really class it as a job as its more akin to an interest oriented free-time). I did graduate from college but it required a lot of adapting, compromising, and cleverly working around my problems. I also took a highly reduced workload and it took me 8 years to do undergraduate and 3 to do my masters (masters here is done in one year). I find with MI it's best to take university very, very slow. 

Basically my days now revolve around cats, husband, painting, and doing stuff around the house. I live with and depend on my in-laws at 32 years old because my husband is working towards his degree. We can't afford our own place right now as I can't work. I can only go out in public for very short periods. It makes things 'dull' by extroverted standards I suppose, but I don't mind too much because i live in my head more vividly. 

That's the thing, though, I find being my own companion easy. I can occupy myself in solitary activities and I would prefer to do this to living a more social lifestyle. Getting out is kind of fun sometimes, but I much prefer being alone. I love my brain (the healthy part) and my brain rewards me with a very colourful inner life. So my advice to you would be to make a good friend of yourself because being isolated and living a restricted life isn't as terrible if you can entertain yourself effectively.  

 

Edited by saintalto
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My entire life has been one constant mania episode until 8 years ago.  I was arrested about 8 years ago, and that changed everything.  I was on probation for 2 years.  I was court ordered to get treatment for my mania, depression, and psychotic behavior.  I've been in treatment ever since.  It was hard doing everything myself.  I would go days without meds, even though my parents watched me take them.  Sometimes I took the initiative, and 'took' my meds (threw them out).  But as I continue on meds, I find that I feel alot better, but the voices still want to cause my ultimate doom.  I am convinced I will die by suicide.  What a horrible thing to think of sometimes, but sometimes I accept it as fate dealing me my cards early.

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Quote

That's the thing, though, I find being my own companion easy. I can occupy myself in solitary activities and I would prefer to do this to living a more social lifestyle. Getting out is kind of fun sometimes, but I much prefer being alone. I love my brain (the healthy part) and my brain rewards me with a very colourful inner life. So my advice to you would be to make a good friend of yourself because being isolated and living a restricted life isn't as terrible if you can entertain yourself effectively.  

^^This is totally true. 

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19 hours ago, pearlzandlace012 said:

I don't know. Has anyone else felt this way?

Yes. Seeking treatment was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. Side effects from meds that don't work. Abandonment and cruel rejection from therapists. I was miserable before. Now I'm miserable, obsessed, and suicidal.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I can definitely understand how you feel. The truth is people with serious MI are often looked at much differently than someone else with a different type of illness. Even by docs who are supposed to be helping. It is really depressing and isolating. I don't know... I just feel like a freak. Then I think... Fuck them! They don't know what I am going through! If they did they wouldn't be such an asshole. My tdoc keeps making jokes about "psychosis" in my group. Seriously dude? Do you think this is that funny? You stupid clueless fuck! Then I feel better. In other words you have to stick up for yourself because nobody else will. 

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