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I feel so fucking hopeless in life right now


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I just recently came out a mental ward like literally less than a week ago. I socked my mom in the jaw after a while of putting up with her abuse, as she was calling me a child molester, psycho, bastard, crazy, gay, etc. But since she played the fucking victim card on me like the fucking cunt she is, she got away with it and I got in trouble. I'm 17 and three quarters and I've already been to mental hospitals three times already. That is NOT fucking normal! I am a fucking psycho permavirgin that no girl likes anyway. I am having thoughts of murder and suicide right now and I feel as if there is no possible way out of this state without CONSTANT fucking medications, medication switching, counselor visits, Doctor visits, hospital visits, and all kinds of other shit for the rest of my fucking life. How did I get this fucking curse? I'm diagnosed as schizoaffective, and nothing I have is ever completely fixable. Instead, I have to take 10 pills a day (3 in the morning, 7 at night) in order to create an illusion as if it's been fixed. What's next? Hearing voices, seeing things that are not there? Delusions? Full blown psychosis? Who's not to say that I'm still just in the beginning stages and am just a few years away from actually experiencing all of the positive effects of schizophrenia? 

All I'm asking is, what are some good outlets that I can do (like cool hobbies that I can take up) when I'm having thoughts of bringing an AR-15 to a high school? Such as something like writing certain fictional stories or something. If that's a good idea, then how should I write it (as in instructions on how to write stories, since I diont really like to read books). And note that choking down pills doesn't fucking count, so don't be a smart ass like those people on experience project, please!

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I realize that you are asking for a healthy outlet for your anger, but I hope you know that socking someone in the jaw, no matter how much they deserve it, is not a good way to handle a situation. In such a situation, the best way to deal is to just walk away and let tempers cool down.

As far as healthy ways to deal, if you like writing, then write. You don't really need anyone to tell you how to write, just let the words flow as if you are telling a story. There may be grammatical mistakes and such, but don't let the technical details worry you. That's what editors are for. :) The key is honing your ability to tell a story, and that really depends on your talent for storytelling. 

The number of other outlets is really limited only by your imagination. You could take up going to the gym to work off stress and anger. Or you could pick up a hobby, such as photography or amateur radio. Those are two really cool hobbies because people can mentor you in them and you can learn a lot. But really, a hobby and an outlet can be anything that interests you. Computers is another interest I have as I like to install operating systems like Linux to get the most out of my machine. I don't know you so I can't really suggest anything more.

I just want you to understand that only you have the power to act or not act on these thoughts. No one else can make you act on them and no one else can stop you. It has to come from within. And you must understand there are consequences for actions. I think you learned that from hitting your mother. Sometimes the consequences are quite unpleasant.

Finally, I'd like to put in a word about meds. Nearly everyone on this site takes meds and probably will need them for life. Would it be any different if you were born with diabetes and had to take insulin for life? Meds are not constant and the number of meds changes throughout life. As you get older, you may find that you need fewer meds. Who knows? And who knows what the course of your illness is? You may or may not develop positive symptoms. A diagnosis is just a label. It doesn't define who you are. You get to define who you are. The power is yours.

So I hope I have given you something to think about. I hope you will use your power to define yourself as the good person I believe you are since otherwise you wouldn't be on here searching for outlets.

Take care.

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Hey -

I've read your post through a couple of times now, and I hear you. I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time of it. Every human being enters the world with a set of challenges, and sometimes people seem to get more than their share. But nobody comes to the world without strengths to offset those challenges, and what you're asking for in this post is advice on how to find and leverage those strengths against the challenges you face. You are exactly on the right track.

First things first: The reality is what it is. Your physical brain is not operating to normal specs. Mine isn't either. Nobody on this site (and we have thousands of registered members) has a brain that is operating correctly. We are joined together by the common belief that this sucks ass, because, indeed, it sucks ass. But there it is. Science hasn't caught up yet. It will, in time, but it hasn't yet, so we're stuck having to do the best we can with what we've got, which is medicine and therapy. I sooooo get where you're coming from about choking down a handful of pills every day, because I do the same damn thing. But I keep doing it because even though it sucks ass, living untreated without them sucks more ass. So I get to choose not between which doesn't suck, but between which sucks less. Fair? Hell, no. But that's what's real right now. Life never promised anybody fair. What life does promise us is that we will be given challenges to face and the chance to grow and change and become stronger, better people by overcoming them. That's where you're at right now. How did you get this curse? Who the fuck knows, but we've all got it here. You're a member of our club, my friend.

When you talk about having been in psych wards, it sounds like you're judging yourself.  Stop it. You didn't ask for this, and you didn't cause it. You didn't start the fire but you're trying to fight it.  Good man. Going IP is no fun, but if you have to, look at is as an opportunity to level out and get a handle on the things that may be a bit heavy at the moment. That's what it's for. It's a chance to start fresh when you come back out. Are you going to have to see doctors and go to such places for the rest of your life? I don't know, and can't tell you.  None of us can, because we can't see the future. The likelihood, however, in the current state of medical knowledge, is that you will have to continue to be treated for years to come. I have been in treatment for 30 years now. But that doesn't necessarily mean anything about the future. When HIV first began being widely treated, it was deadly and the meds were primitive, whereas today the disease is considered chronic and treatable with sophisticated meds that give people a normal lifespan. So what if you have to be treated? If you find the treatment that works for you, get it and go on living.

It sounds like the situation at home isn't so good, and that may be making things worse for you. You're nearly at an age where you can legally live independently; is there any possibility of living with someone who isn't abusive to you? Someone who doesn't make you feel angry and bad about yourself? I would encourage you to think about a change of climate, as it were.

It's excellent that you're thinking about things to do to channel your thoughts away from destructive and self-destructive thinking. Just the fact that you realize that you have the power to do that means you can win this. To help you get some ideas, perhaps you could share with us some of your interests and we can go from there. As it happens, I'm a writer, and when you say you don't like to read, that doesn't really suggest story writing to me, because the first thing I tell aspiring writers to do is read, read, read in order to learn how language is put together in stories. That's not to say you can't write, and writing can be a very good way to express what you feel. Hey - here's a thought - why not start a blog here on CB? It doesn't cost a thing, and you can try out writing a few things and see if you like it. Just type as though you're talking, and don't worry about the grammar or punctuation, you can edit that later.

Now, about the taking a gun to school thing: Just don't.  That always ends really, really, really badly.  No, really badly.  Do you own a gun?  If so, get the fuck rid of it, like now, and use the money to pursue whatever hobby you decide on.  If not, forget about it.  Make yourself a promise that you will Do No Harm.  Harming someone else is never going to help you, only hurt you.

You take meds, got that.  Do you have a therapist that you see, someone who you can talk to about the things in your life that bother you?  If you don't, I strongly encourage you to find out what's available through your school, or talk to your doctor about a referral.  If you have one but don't have a good relationship with that person, I would suggest trying to find someone else who might be a better fit for you. It's really important.

Hold it together, man. It will be okay. Life will not always be like this.

 

Cerberus

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