relapsing, *tw

[aura]

 

I'm recovering from a manic episode at the moment. The past few weeks since I left hospital have been very difficult... I've been juggling school (albeit a reduced course load), lingering symptoms like agitation and irritability, and debilitating side effects from new medications.

Last Monday I couldn't handle the agitation any longer and impulsively decided to self-harm. I've been clean for 6ish years and haven't done serious damage in 11 years. What I did was very minor, but ever since then I can't stop thinking about harming myself more seriously. So far I've been keeping it very, very mild, but I'm plotting in my head to do something worse. 

My question, I guess, is how seriously should I be taking the possibility of more serious harm. I don't intend to kill myself, and I'm not entirely sure yet if I'll follow through on these plans. I'm worried that if I explain this to my doctors (I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist weekly), they either won't be able to help, or worse they'll want me to go back to hospital. I'm not really sure what I want, but I definitely don't want this relapse to turn into an addiction again. 

Anyone been in a similar situation before? Ideas for how I can talk about this with my doctors? How did this go for you?

[saintalto]

I've never had a long relapse before, just single incidents. I think even though you have slipped, doesn't mean you have to do it again. And from my experience with slips, they tend to be isolated and the urges following fade away pretty quickly.

[Wooster]

I use my tdoc and psychNP to help me keep an eye on things like this.

That is to say, I let them know I am struggling and since it's hard to talk about, I ask them to ask me about it until I say it's better enough to stop talking about it regularly.

Mostly "talking about it" means checking in on urges and challenges managing urges; where I had success and where I didn't, and ways to make it more likely to have success.

We all have an understanding that self harm urges will show up for me when I am feeling very, very stressed and overwhelmed for a long period of time and usually also not sleeping well.