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relapsing, *tw


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I'm recovering from a manic episode at the moment. The past few weeks since I left hospital have been very difficult... I've been juggling school (albeit a reduced course load), lingering symptoms like agitation and irritability, and debilitating side effects from new medications.

Last Monday I couldn't handle the agitation any longer and impulsively decided to self-harm. I've been clean for 6ish years and haven't done serious damage in 11 years. What I did was very minor, but ever since then I can't stop thinking about harming myself more seriously. So far I've been keeping it very, very mild, but I'm plotting in my head to do something worse. 

My question, I guess, is how seriously should I be taking the possibility of more serious harm. I don't intend to kill myself, and I'm not entirely sure yet if I'll follow through on these plans. I'm worried that if I explain this to my doctors (I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist weekly), they either won't be able to help, or worse they'll want me to go back to hospital. I'm not really sure what I want, but I definitely don't want this relapse to turn into an addiction again. 

Anyone been in a similar situation before? Ideas for how I can talk about this with my doctors? How did this go for you?

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I use my tdoc and psychNP to help me keep an eye on things like this.

That is to say, I let them know I am struggling and since it's hard to talk about, I ask them to ask me about it until I say it's better enough to stop talking about it regularly.

Mostly "talking about it" means checking in on urges and challenges managing urges; where I had success and where I didn't, and ways to make it more likely to have success.

We all have an understanding that self harm urges will show up for me when I am feeling very, very stressed and overwhelmed for a long period of time and usually also not sleeping well.

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