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Why? Why now, after so long. I cant do this forever


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I hadn't had issues in so long I was convinced it was just a shitty childhood chalked up to not so great parents, and bad choices in friends. Life was so good for so long I honestly believed I was normal. then THIS SHIT hit out of the blue 1.5 yrs ago for no reason. I have 2 little kids. I should be enjoying them. I try, I honestly try my hardest. I really honestly do. But right now, Im sitting in the corner choking back tears that have been on the verge of falling ALL DAY while they watch another episode of ninja turtles. I should be playing in the floor with them, or making all sorts of Christmas crafts with them. I cant help but think Im failing them and becoming another not so great parent myself because of "THIS" I used to be better. I was. I still remember being a better mother. And some days I can be that mom, but not near as much as I wish I could. DAMN THIS. I cant live with this fucking shit every damn day. where the hell did it come from and why the hell did it think it could just walk right in and make itself home here with me? It has come in and robbed me of my love for my husband. Makes me feel like leaving my perfectly good loving husband. Makes me doubt my abilities to be a good mother. Sucks my motivations to do just about anything. Then gives me a brief few day window that things are looking good. to suck it away again. UGHHHH..
Some days im so irritable, im irritated at myself. Im so angry, Im angry at the world. Im so depressed, I dont want to go  on(thankfully my babies keep me going) So anxious, i could crawl out of my own skin.  Then some days I could sing from the rooftops,  I have the patience of a saint, Im super bubbly.  Days in between are mostly just blah
Unfortunately even on good days i still have lingering feelings in the back of my head of leaving my husband. Not like divorce. I don't want that at all, cause he is an amazing father and husband despite my feelings. Just want to move in with my parents for awhile or something which is weird....
I just wish this all would go away. 

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Pixie, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, after such a good run. Mood episodes don't need a reason. They're just there, suddenly. This is indeed one of the horrible parts of bipolar disorder-if that turns out to be your diagnosis; I'm going to go with the fact that you're posting on the bipolar board.

You need a proper diagnosis, and you need medications to help you feel better and get back to your old self. They exist. Really. You don't have to feel this way.

 

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