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Does anyone ever miss mania or hypomania?


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I'm on Geodon and it doesn't do anything for my depression. But I no longer get manic or hypomanic. I haven't been manic since the fall of 2011. I was super functional, worked 3 jobs and was very loquacious. With the geodon I have no sex drive to the point that I now identify as asexual. I was better off without the medicine. I miss the mania. It feels so good like a natural high. Except for spending money recklessly. Does anyone else feel this way?

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I do miss the creativity that mania brings me, and the ability to keep going like the Energizer Bunny... and the hypersexuality. I do not miss the anger and irritability or the racing thoughts that seem to counteract the creativity.

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I do miss it, but I'm also happy to no longer get suicidal ideations or grueling anxiety for the tiniest of reasons. There is medication that does not have terrible side effects. I'm on Lithium and my sex drive is perfectly fine (not as it was when manic, but then, that usually just caused lots of trouble), I still have energy, I still enjoy life.

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5 hours ago, MellaBlue said:

With the geodon I have no sex drive to the point that I now identify as asexual.

I understand, not having sex drive must be very annoying side effect , me too I lost libido since starting antipsychotics now I don't know what it's like being aroused and feeling the pleasure. Can you tell me how long since you have lost libido  ?

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When I i start to think that I might miss the energy or the social livelihood, I force myself to think about the *reality* of my full blown manic episodes. This is what it looks like for me....

1. I spend money I don't have. I'm still paying off debt that occurred in June or possibly May or so. I went off seroquel and became manic. Yay that's super fun! Not. I have no money for anything except gas money like once a month. Luckily husband does most of the driving.

2. Mind races so fast I can't get a single thing done. I just get tons of ideas. But, really, no shit gets done ever. 

3. I make commitments I can't keep socially, sexually, monetarily, projects I can never finish....but I start a lot of those things. When the crash comes I have no energy to deal with anything like that.

4. The crash. It comes, it always does. It's just a guessing game of when. I fall. Sometimes into a major depression, sometimes into a moderate one. All of a sudden I find myself in hell.

5. The guilt, oh the guilt! I say stupid things. Have just barely escaped having an affair and cheating on my husband. I have cheated emotionally, but thank goodness not sexually yet. And I generally can't shut up and annoy everyone. But I'm the best person alive and god damn I'm going to make sure everyone knows! "Fuck those who don't believe me!"

6. The psychosis and paranoia. Need I elaborate? That's not fun.

7. The inevitable hospitalization if full blown manic. Yay that's also super fun! Sitting around doing nothing, anxious because they always take the benzo's away. SUPER ANXIOUS! I can't do anything. They won't let me leave. I am about to tear every last bit of skin off my body kind of manic energy. I feel so trapped there. Sitting around the tv staring at the wall or pacing the halls with fellow crazee's. That's my idea of a swell time.

8. The lack of focus. OOOOOOOOOH look at the pretty butterfly! What were we talking about? I can't even read or watch tv. I can barely listen to music. I usually pace with headphones on. A lot of pacing happens, pretty much all day. That's super awesome because I get "so much" done during the day. Not. I literally accomplish nothing. I pace. That's really productive of me. Yes, I have all the energy in the world but I can't focus on shit to get anything but pacing done.

9. The embarrassment. WTF was I thinking when I did XYZ or said XYZ? Why did I post that on Facebook for the world to see? Why did I text him/her that at 4 AM? The shit I do is super embarrassing for me when the crash occurs. How could I have been so out of control?

10. The ruined forever friendships........ Not being able to work or finish school........

Mania is so damn destructive.

 

I really could go on forever. There is surely lots more that I'm missing here. 

Do I have a sex drive on meds? Hell no.

Do I want to be manic? Hell no. It's not worth it.

So I'm staying on the meds that zap my sex drive. It is a pretty easy and obvious choice, for me anyway.

So, work with your pdoc if you feel like you are not getting the proper treatment.

I'm not trying to sound harsh but romanticizing my mania is not good for me. I don't know about how others deal with that, but for me it's no no no good at all. I get myself into a lot of trouble that way. I've stopped meds before and you really can't predict if you will become depressed, manic, hypomanic (which always leads to mania for me off meds or on the wrong meds) or what have you.

It's like playing with fire, for me anyways. Maybe others have different experiences with being full blown manic. Personally, I don't get the appeal.

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese
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I don't miss mania, but I do miss feeling normal, by which I mean unmedicated. I used to have phases between my episodes of mania and depression when I was euthymic, and I miss those a lot. But since I have no idea when they might be, and I can't take the risk of mania/depression cycles, I have to be on meds all the time, forever. Mostly I'm OK with that. Sometimes I want my real brain back very, very much. The brain I could have had, if I didn't have bipolar. Fuck you, bipolar.

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I love hypomania, which I reach very often. I've only been fully manic once (less than a year ago), and honestly, I don't miss it. I don't miss the panic attacks, the hallucinations, the incoherent speech, the fact that I was terrifying those around me, the disturbing thoughts. Mania for me was chaos, and if I can avoid reaching it in the future, then that's for the best. 

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When I'm not experiencing psychosis, it is not always clear if what I'm experiencing is hypomania or mania. I tend to label it based on the intensity of the euphoria, but I'm not sure that's the best indicator. 

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I think the threshold for mania is when you have severe functional impairment. If you can't talk, spend more money than you can handle, spend your meeting running around your tdoc's office, physically threaten other people, or have plans which are so ridiculous that they put the lifestyle you lead in danger, then you're probably manic. That's how I've always viewed it, anyway. I know technically psychosis means that you're manic, but I've had plenty of fleeting paranoia when I'm hypomanic, so I think in practice doctors sometimes allow psychosis in hypomania even though DSM doesn't. That's just my experience though. 

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I have been on meds that made me feel asexual, but currently on better meds. When I miss the manic hypersexuality, I remind myself of how scary some encounters were, and how reckless I was. The lengths I went to, to pay the huge debts. And all that. I miss the mania briefly before it all comes back to me. Embarrassing and dangerous.  

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17 hours ago, survivingbp said:

I think the threshold for mania is when you have severe functional impairment. If you can't talk, spend more money than you can handle, spend your meeting running around your tdoc's office, physically threaten other people, or have plans which are so ridiculous that they put the lifestyle you lead in danger, then you're probably manic. That's how I've always viewed it, anyway. I know technically psychosis means that you're manic, but I've had plenty of fleeting paranoia when I'm hypomanic, so I think in practice doctors sometimes allow psychosis in hypomania even though DSM doesn't. That's just my experience though. 

I am pretty sure I was hypomanic during one delusion, not manic. At least nothing about the episode except for the psychosis indicated anything worse than hypomania. Can the crashes from hypomania be as intense as those from mania, or are those milder too?

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2 minutes ago, Flash said:

I am pretty sure I was hypomanic during one delusion, not manic. At least nothing about the episode except for the psychosis indicated anything worse than hypomania. Can the crashes from hypomania be as intense as those from mania, or are those milder too?

I'm no doctor and I'm only newly diagnosed, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I would assume so? BPII only has hypomania but can still have very severe depression. I don't know for sure though. And it could just be my doctor who allows mild psychosis during hypomania, not everyone's. Just speaking from my own experience. 

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