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Everyone hates me, no matter where I go. They hate me more and more every day.


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I only had one friend and today I flipped out and said some terrible things to him. He blocked me from Facebook, Xbox, my phone number, every possible way to block me he did. I can't stop crying. I ruined it. The only friend I had and I fucking ruined it. I deserve to be alone and have no friends. Everybody at work hates me and avoids me and thinks I am annoying. I have no friends in my town, I was bullied to the point of near suicide by everyone and to this day those people still hate me. I can't take it. This isn't fair. I am rejected by every single person I have ever tried to talk to in my entire life. And he was the only one who accepted me. But I got mad at him and said I was going to kill him by throwing him on train tracks, I SCARED him and he blocked me.

 

I know if I died nobody would care and they would probably actually celebrate. Nobody wants to have me around. I am just a waste of space. I contribute nothing useful to society. I am just breathing in air and eating food that could go to somebody who actually has a purpose in life. Meaning anybody but me. Nobody ever wants to sit with me and everyone makes excuses to avoid me at all costs. I am ugly. I'm stupid. I suck at my job and got demoted. Everyone has a bad attitude with me but they are friends with everyone else because I am just an annoying unlikable pathetic excuse for a person. 

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I'm sorry you feel like this.  You aren't alone.

Things change though.  At one point in my life, I thought things were never going to change, that nobody wants to have me around and deal with me, that I am a waste of space, waste of time.  It took awhile but things did change.  Looking back I'm not sure how they specifically did change, but it was slow and steady until I realized it.  It wasn't an overnight thing.

Do you have a tdoc or a pdoc who you can talk to about this?

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I am not saying you are a bad person, but I can see where he's coming from. You threatened his life, whether it was a facet of Mental Illness or not, and that is scary to anyone. I would have done the same. I know you feel hurt, but try and reverse that and imagine what it feels like to have your friend threaten to take your life in a very violent manner.

That being said, you can use this experience to inspire working harder on your behaviour via the treatment and therapy I assume you are getting (signature).

I once followed my friend home and threatened to kill her if she didn't let me in her house. She didn't. Understandably. But we are friends again, it took visible evidence I was complying with treatment and working hard to stay stable to open up that friendship again. I did apologise of course, but apologies on their own aren't enough to heal deep wounds like that. You need to prove yourself through behaviour as well.

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I went through something similar with a friend a year ago. While I didn't threaten to kill her or anything like that I did say and do some very disturbing things and while I am hurt that she cut me out of her life I can understand why she did it. You can't control how people are going to react to your illness but you can control how you are going to deal with it. 

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