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Serious NSFW Question / Need some clairification *Might contain triggers, stay out if you are easily offended?*


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Okay so I was diagnosed with OCD in Texas in 2013, but I never really knew how complex of a disease it was till then. I always thought being OCD would mean being clean and stuff. I am not clean though, I have an irrational fear of water . .  like I love it when I get a warm shower but, it sucks because that first wetness sucks, it is like I am not meant to even shower. . . but this is not why I posted this.

This may contain triggers so I put it into a spoiler. Please don't click if you have experience any kind of sexual trauma.

Spoiler

I have a fear that I may rape someone, kill someone or even molest someone. I know for a fact that I wouldn't ever do this, but I get this dirty feeling inside that tells me I need to avoid women because I may do it. It is a doomsday scenario in my head 24/7. I see a cute girl and she is totally into me so I have to push away because I don't wanna hurt her ever. I know I brought this up in chat months ago, but got labeled as a pedo, rapist and a bad person. Thankfully those who were labeling me are not here anymore. I just want to know if maybe I am really OCD, I know it is a possibility because if I don't isolate something bad will happen(rape,molesting and killing). I haven't had the courage to write this until now because I know there are a lot of crazyboards members who respect me and I don't want that to end. So hopefully this doesn't get me in trouble by asking these questions. I will leave you with this. Why is it when someone like me wants to get help, we are labeled as the real thing? I have not raped anyone  . . I have not killed anyone and I will not molest anyone. I just have an irrational fear that will never come true.



- Thx
Dzo.

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Dzo -

The kind of thoughts that you describe, thoughts that cause distress because they suggest negative actions you know you would never perform, are characteristic of OCD. We have had other members report similar experiences. This is certainly something to discuss with your pdoc or tdoc.

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I have to say that what you are describing is a quite common presentation of OCD. I don't know much about you Dzo, but are you getting therapy? Because therapy plus meds can REALLY help with OCD. Therapy and meds have all but cured me of my OCD, though my OCD was classical OCD with compulsions (rituals) as well as obsessions.

 

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if someone chose to label my anxiety NOS as OCD, I'd qualify for pure O.

I have thoughts which I find extremely disturbing, and which I feel like I'd never do in real life, but I had a hard time truly believing that I could do good and that I didn't have to constantly restrain my natural impulses to keep from hurting others.  One of the hardest things for me to be okay with was that sometimes these horrible thoughts can even feel almost like a relief, because then a) I'm not waiting for them to appear again and b) I've pinpointed the worst thing I could possibly do and now all I have to do is guard against THAT one (except not really).

I don't talk about my OCD very often.  But yeah, Dzo, I get it.  Oh, and the guy who did sexually assault me eight months ago?  You couldn't be less like him-- I guarantee "I could never hurt her ever" was not the foremost thing on his mind, but it is on yours.  BIG difference.

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Yes to all of the above. I have very disturbing thoughts that go through the depths of my mind. I have OCD. And I've had it for a long time. AD's have helped with the thoughts for me. But really AAP's and benzo's are better for me personally. I also have therapy weekly. But I don't bring up this stuff because I'm scared I will get labeled or thrown into IP land. 

OCD intrusive thoughts are like, I can't control the thought aspect, but I know for sure I'd never act on them. I am still in reality land and am able to control my actions when intrusive thoughts occur. That doesn't make me feel any more normal though. The thoughts are awful and odd. But at least I know that I would never act on them. It is just very disturbing, nonetheless. And I try to be a good person, so when the thoughts occur, it gets very confusing. How can a decent person think such things?!? It brings on a lot of self-hate for me.

I hope you get help for your OCD soon. You are most certainly not a bad person.

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I posted this as part of therapy, it helps me to get it out there instead of keeping it inside of my head forever. 

I do CBT and I have been medless since January (My Pdoc took me off of them and suggested just CBT and group). There are hiccups in my life, but I am close to a 4.0 student with an 18 credit load. I do think distractifying myself helps.

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Congrats on your studies! It's not easy maintaining such grades.

I am a little shocked that your pdoc would take you off all meds because OCD is more easily successfully treated with meds along with therapy. Obviously, you are still bothered by the OCD or else you wouldn't have posted here. If I were you, I'd ask my pdoc about the possibility of some medical help. In any case, I'm glad we can assist your therapy.

Yeah, therapy is invaluable. I found that meds weaken the thoughts and therapy helps to address them head on logically. It's like a one-two punch. But if you are having success on therapy alone, I wish you all the more success.

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Hi Dzo,

I have horrible intrusive thoughts about hurting children (other things too, but those are the most distressing of the thoughts.) I'm also an assault survivor. 

You are not a bad person. You just have what sounds like, granted I'm not a professional, harm OCD. I've heard, from several people who write about OCD professionally, that if anything people with those types of intrusive OCD thoughts are MORE moral that the average person, not less. You're brain is focusing on sexual assault because it's the most repugnant thing it can conjure up. Really it says more about what you're NOT capable of than what you are. You are not your thoughts. Most thoughts are meaningless bullshit. You are your choices. OCD is a disease, and you are not your disease any more than a cancer patient is their cancer. 

Anyway, I've found mindfullness meditation, along with therapy and meds, to be super helpful. My thoughts are with you. 

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Yea and it only comes about if I am doing something with that particular group of people like for example.

-If I see that a mass shooting has happened my brain automatically tries to get me to think about all the details, including some stuff that should never be posted online.

-If a cute adult woman( and male sometimes) I have the r word thoughts pop up.

-If I see a knife, I wonder how it would feel to stab myself, cut myself or stab others. I never actually follow through because I know it is silly.

As I said I was diagnosed in Texas with OCD, but they were more concerned about anti-social behavior when I moved back home. So they basically ignored the OCD because I think they know it is a harmless OCD, and the anti-social behavior. I have went a complete 2 months without a serious attack, which leaves me paranoid or even worse suicidal. 

I have thought about writing a book in the 3rd person explaining what goes on inside of my head during this winter break from school, kind of like a novel of some sort.

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  • 2 months later...
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

I have similar traits, i dont know if you get this but sometimes people telling me about something terrible or not to do something bad makes me feel overwhelmed like im gonna lose control and do it.

On 2/28/2016 at 10:27 AM, grape.guice said:

Yes this fucking sucks. Used to not want to go to bed BC I was scared I would kill my family in my sleep or their sleep, some other stuff idk how to not think about it. Seems like trying not to think about it makes you think more.

this! i used to handcuff myself to my bed at night

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  • 1 month later...

Just want to add to the thoughts that you're not alone, I also have very disturbing thoughts, and like Anna Least the worse ones for me are the thoughts of hurting children or even babies (the absolute worst is when they involve my family). I know I'd never be capable of hurting anyone, but the thoughts are still scary and they make me really upset with myself.

Also, I'm really relieved because up until now I felt like I was the only one. I never knew this was a common thing with OCD.

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