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I had a failed suicide attempt last night


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I had everything set up, strapped the rope around my neck and attached it to my doorknob. But when i tried it didn't succeed in sufficating me, i just got stuck and i had to call for help.

And it freaking HURT, how the hell do people manage to go through with it? Such a painfull way to go out... I've never been so disappointed, i really wanted it to end last night. I've been miserable for a whole year, been through dozens of medication and therapy. Nothing has worked. 

I feel extremely hopeless because i'm dealing with a psychiatrist that won't listen to me. I've told my her loud and clear that Wellbutrin was isn't working for me. I have been on it for over 3 months and i believe that's more than enough time to give it. We then agreed to stop the Wellbutrin, or at least that's what I thought.

And at the next appointment, she thinks i'm still on Wellbutrin. I tell her "Um, didn't we agree last time that i should quit it*" apperantely she forgot. (Seriously?) She asked me how i feel after quitting Wellbutrin, i tell her "I feel completely the same" then she replies "If you aren't feeling any better, you should get back on Wellbutrin"

"Don't you understand? It's NOT doing anything for me, can i PLEASE try another antidepressant?" - I replied. But she won't do it.

I am also currently titrating up Lamictal, i'm at 300 mg now. It has stabilized my mood and wellbeing. But it has made me emotionally flat. When i tell her this, she just tells me "You're probably just worried about being flat and that's why you're feeling this way". SHE WON'T LISTEN TO ME! I really believe i need to add an antidepressant to the mix to fight off the emotional flatness. She wants me to up my dose of Lamictal even more first before we add anything new. I am going to give that a try of course, but i've told her "If i don't feel any different at my therapeutic dose of Lamictal, THEN can we try adding a new antidepressant to the mix?" but she's really resistant on me trying a new antidepressant. It's either Wellbutrin or no antidepressant at all.

It's hopeless.

Edited by J04KlM
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It worries me that you're at the point of attempting suicide. If you end up here again, can you call an emergency hotline or get yourself someplace safe - hospital, ER, friend's house, somewhere - instead? It might be worth coming up with a safety plan. 

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15 minutes ago, aura said:

It worries me that you're at the point of attempting suicide. If you end up here again, can you call an emergency hotline or get yourself someplace safe - hospital, ER, friend's house, somewhere - instead? It might be worth coming up with a safety plan. 

I'm at my parents house right now, they were called as soon i called for help.

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1 minute ago, wadjet said:

Is there a way you can get a new psychiatrist?

I'm seriously considering it, i will give my current psychiatrist one last chance to redeem herself at the next appointment. I'm going to be BRUTALLY honest with her about feeling ignored and that she rejects all my suggestions and explanations. If she doesn't budge, then so be it. Time for a new psychiatrist.

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That sounds really good. If you think it will help you could write down all the points you want to cover and bring it with you. When I am in an emotionally charged situation I find a list or something helps me remember everything I wanted to say.

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I second the idea of looking for a new psychiatrist because that one does not sound like they are looking for your needs. Just reading that made me frustrated on your behalf. I had a dr who was similar with the meds ("well, it's been XX months and no change." - "oh, well just give it more time", and on and on). 

You definitely need somebody who can pay attention to that sort of thing. Good luck. 

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4 hours ago, J04KlM said:

I'm seriously considering trying again, i don't know how much more of it I can take.

Don't do it. I've been there. I had a serious suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was seconds away from succeeding. At the time I was very upset that I didn't succeed also. But now I am grateful for whatever or whoever was looking out for me because life is so much better now. It's rather trite to say that it will get better, but it really does. It's hard to see that these feelings are temporary when you are in the midst of them, but things do change. Things do get better.

On 12/5/2015 12:56:14, J04KlM said:

I'm seriously considering it, i will give my current psychiatrist one last chance to redeem herself at the next appointment. I'm going to be BRUTALLY honest with her about feeling ignored and that she rejects all my suggestions and explanations. If she doesn't budge, then so be it. Time for a new psychiatrist.

This ^^ sounds like a healthy plan.

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Update.

Still very suicidal, i'm possibly losing my mind. 

While i've been titrating up on the Lamictal, it has decreased the intensity of my depression. I'm more "functional". But at the same time, it's also eliminated all my emotions. I literally can't feel anything right now, completely emotionless and apathetic.

I've lost the ability to feel emotional attachment to others, empathy, compassion and etc. Things that used to touch my emotions such as kittens, puppies, music and nostalgic memories now does not give me any feelings. When i was "sad" and unmedicated, i at least still felt those emotions. Hell, I actually miss crying now.

So as you can see... my meds killed my demons, but it also killed my angels. This is really making me want to quit taking my medication, i don't care if i go back to being sad. I just want to feel again.

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It takes a while for our brains to get used to a new chemical soup.

it sounds like you are in that crappy place of "not in the abyss but just enough relief to know how crappy things are right now."

i hope you find ways to stick it out long enough to see what happens next.

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