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Depression, cancer and thanks to everybody here


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Hi all, (this thread is Cheese's fault!)

About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with cancer. Having been suicidal all my life, this was my big chance to check out and avoid all the usual problems of suicide. Then it turned out that I was going to kick it pretty fast and it would have been ugly. I chickened out and went for chemo! So there. And I'm still learning lessons from it.  The feelings still linger in different forms. I need physical therapy because the chemo wrecked my body and because I slept at least 16 hours a day. I was also on psych meds for the first time since a Zanax disaster in college. Now diagnosed manic depressive I started on the med quest and vacillated between cancer worry and mind worry. 

Problem now is that I have a hard time committing to anything in therapy - mind and body. Their interconnectedness is the real problem. I need the motivation to exercise, walk and I just can't pull it together with any consistency. Yay! for 2 days, fuck it for 3, etc, etc. 2 days may be better than none, but that masks the fact that good old suicide is lurking in the background. Why bother? You'll never amount to anything (I'm 52!), there's no point, you're no good at anything anyway, you're a joke. This seesaw back and forth, or progress a little then fall back. It's all the same old story, but with added weight. I don't really want to know what scares me most, what has driven the choices I've made, why relationships have failed, what I love and won't go towards or why.

I am feeling better these days. I have a good med cocktail that keeps me stable (so far) and I have a good relationship with my therapist. I attend a weekly group too, and we all have a really nice, special feeling for each other. I'm really lucky for all of these and I'm pretty sure that I'd be a real mess without them. And you guys. I've never said much, but I do read like crazy and you've made me feel all kinds of feelings - laughter, sadness, affinity, pissed, etc. I really look forward to some time here everyday if I can.

This is where I am now anyway.

RD

 

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3 hours ago, Rhetorical disease said:

Hi all, (this thread is Cheese's fault!)

About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with cancer. Having been suicidal all my life, this was my big chance to check out and avoid all the usual problems of suicide. Then it turned out that I was going to kick it pretty fast and it would have been ugly. I chickened out and went for chemo! So there. And I'm still learning lessons from it.  The feelings still linger in different forms. I need physical therapy because the chemo wrecked my body and because I slept at least 16 hours a day. I was also on psych meds for the first time since a Zanax disaster in college. Now diagnosed manic depressive I started on the med quest and vacillated between cancer worry and mind worry. 

Problem now is that I have a hard time committing to anything in therapy - mind and body. Their interconnectedness is the real problem. I need the motivation to exercise, walk and I just can't pull it together with any consistency. Yay! for 2 days, fuck it for 3, etc, etc. 2 days may be better than none, but that masks the fact that good old suicide is lurking in the background. Why bother? You'll never amount to anything (I'm 52!), there's no point, you're no good at anything anyway, you're a joke. This seesaw back and forth, or progress a little then fall back. It's all the same old story, but with added weight. I don't really want to know what scares me most, what has driven the choices I've made, why relationships have failed, what I love and won't go towards or why.

I am feeling better these days. I have a good med cocktail that keeps me stable (so far) and I have a good relationship with my therapist. I attend a weekly group too, and we all have a really nice, special feeling for each other. I'm really lucky for all of these and I'm pretty sure that I'd be a real mess without them. And you guys. I've never said much, but I do read like crazy and you've made me feel all kinds of feelings - laughter, sadness, affinity, pissed, etc. I really look forward to some time here everyday if I can.

This is where I am now anyway.

RD

 

RD, I'm so happy you posted! You just made my night better. Thank you!

I'm glad to hear you have a good med combo and a good therapist. I also have some weekly groups that I go to. It is nice to have that kind of feeling with and for other people I agree. 

You are awesome sauce! Don't forget it! :) 

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