I regret not dropping this tdoc after the 2nd session. There are great therapists and terrible ones....just because they have a PhD and experience, doesn't make them brilliant or amazing. Who's on your bad therapist list? The patronizing, blaming, insensitive ones? Or ones that don't listen, understand, or communicate clearly? They make assumptions, judgements, no clue.
I kept my cool, dignity and respect, despite getting shut down with an earful of patronizing comments (obviously trying to trigger me or chase me out of the clinic, one of the two). Invalid assumptions about me, none of which resonated at all, not true to my experience and dude left me no space to interject. Simply expressing disagreement with him means I'm "oppositional" Hmm. OK.
2nd session was told I have a "lack of commitment and effort" toward my mental health. How insulting, great. Are you f&cking kidding me? 20 years of therapy, loads of self-help, discipline, hospitalizations, med compliant, healthy lifestyle. I've DONE a lot of work. Stuck with all therapists consistently. I keep going and continue to try. WHY ELSE WOULD I PAY AND COME SEE YOU 6 TIMES?
The reply....."(gives exaggerated sigh) Obviously, you've never had any therapists that have challenged you before, they probably let you talk... this is why you haven't recovered. I'm experienced, LOADS of my clients fully recover in 3-6 months" How presumptuous, you know nothing of my previous therapists or me yet, maybe I'm not like "all your clients." 🙄
[Edit : Endnote] The session ended on a most dis-empowering note. He said (with a pity look in eyes) "Maybe you won't and can't get any better, or change, maybe you should give up, you shouldn't even try...." I have never in my life had a therapist encourage me to give up and not try.
In fact, that comment is exactly what pushes a vulnerable client AWAY from seeking help. A client like me, who has struggled with decades of hopelessness. Thanks for nothing insensitive asshat.
Many ways to lose a therapy client. End of Rant.
I wonder if I have too high expectations, am jaded or a hopeless case. But I've only had 1 Therapist in 20+ years of regular therapy that I felt was pretty decent, who helped me progress & feel better (and I've seen at least 15).
Beyond obvious traits like: good listener, observant, empathetic, caring, dedicated, positive, clear communicator, transparent, proactive, validating, non-judgemental, intelligent (and someone who simply just understands & "gets" you.) Nobody's perfect, but..
What other traits, qualities, behaviors make a great therapist? Have you ever had one that totally meets your criteria? I am so sick of settling and trying to find someone who can really help me. I give everyone like 4-5 session trial at least. Maybe I just need to quit altogether, go at it alone and try harder to help myself 😢
By Bimbo Bear
So, I don't know if I've talked about this on the boards before, but I have something known as OSDD-1b. That's a diagnosis that is similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, except that I don't have amnesia when I switch between different alters, or parts as I call them. Anyways, this is not about my OSDD-1b diagnosis, but rather about a part that I have who happens to have the worst case of OCD that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
The part that I'm going to be talking about is a part that feels a very strong connection to Christianity. Basically, with her, I discovered something that's very depressing. I am a woman of color. That's something that I've learned to become proud of over the years, but when I was a kid, I remember thinking that I was ugly because I wasn't lighter skinned and didn't look "white". It took a lot of years to undo that kind of thinking, but now that I got to know my Christian part a little bit more, it looks like she took the message that I was ugly and ran with it. According to her, I am ugly because I am not white and don't have blonde hair or even maybe orange hair, and that is absolutely heartbreaking. And what's worse is I'm actually looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if maybe she's right? Again, it took so long for me to overcome this kind of thinking, but maybe she's an indicator that I never fully got over thinking that way? If I listen to her for too long, I realize that I start to internalize those toxic messages again. So that's not good.
Another thing that I've realized is that the Christian part that I have is incredibly obsessed with being "good enough" to get into Heaven. And, according to her, she will never be good enough to get into Heaven, no matter how hard she tries. So the fact that she keeps trying to convert everyone of my personality parts is kind of pointless since it won't bring her any peace. Logically, she kind of gets that, but she keeps trying anyways. And the thing is, when we indulge her or even entertain the idea that we might become Christian, she then gets incredibly scrupulous when it comes to her worship. That is to say, she has to follow everything to the T with no exceptions. Otherwise, that means she's a bad person, soiled, dirty, or defective in some way. And people who are spiritually defective don't belong in Heaven, at least according to her disordered way of thinking.
I think she is plagued by these thoughts to a point where it's unhealthy and she needs help. But how would I even begin to help her? Talking sense into her does nothing except make her defensive, if she listens at all and doesn't simply tune out my voice. I feel bad for her, but I also feel pretty bad for myself too. You don't know how much her thinking messes with me. It's incredibly toxic and destructive. And I just hope this doesn't set me back miles in my recovery process.
And before I end this post, I want to say that I don't think Christianity is a bad religion or only for white people or anything like that. In fact, I think Christianity is a beautiful religion and one that I might have considered joining if it worked for me and if it weren't for the massive level of OCD that this part of me happens to have surrounding this particular religion.
My apologies for the long post, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.
As the title says, I'm just picometers away from checking myself into a psych ward. I have shit going on in my life with my family that I'm just about done with trying to care about and mange. We have a live-in "stray" we picked up who is a mooch, a biggot, a homophobe (I'm gay), an a real class A ass hole. My friend and I and him got into a shouting match last night and he almost got violent with us. Of course, my mom, who is infatuated with him (and if I didn't know any better, is having an affair with him), hardly did anything to intervene except saying "stop yelling!" But that's another thing, I digress.
Not to mention, my mood has been on a downswing the last month into a massive, bottomless-pit of a depressive episode. I knew it was too good for me to be feeling good for as long as I did. It was the first time in years to be feeling that good for as long as I did. I was probably actually hypomanic because I got myself into some pretty nasty credit card debt that I can't pay off because I'm unemployed and have no source of income. I knew I was due for a depressive episode sooner or later, which is fantastic because now I don't have the willpower to get a job.
I can't get to my pdoc until, at the very soonest, Wednesday, and it's not guaranteed that I'll even get to see her then. It may be Friday, or even next week.
I'm heavily considering checking into a psych ward. I've talked with friends about which one in my area is the best one, and I think I've decided which one to go to. I'm just scared to death of being stripped of my belongings like my cell phone and everything. I'd like to at least have my pen and notebook so I could journal or something. Is that really what they do? Do they treat you like prisoners?
I've been taking copious amounts of Restoril (> 360 mg ) + gabapentin (>3600 mg) + Valium (> 40 mg) + Xanax (> 6 mg) + Thorazine (> 100 mg) + Zanaflex (> 12 mg) all at once just to feel out of my body. I want to be gone. I want to be away. I don't want to die, I just want to be gone. Away. Not here. Just for a while. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to go away for a long time and come back when things are better. I've been doing this every night for the past few days. My parents and best friend know about it, and it breaks their hearts to know I'm doing it, but I can't help it. I feel like I need to do it. I ran out of Restoril, so I've just been taking the combo without the Restoril. I've been slowly escalating the dose of gabapentin as I started out at 2400 mg. I'm almost out of Valium as they're 2 mg pills. I'm almost out of Xanax and Thorazine. Soon I'll just be left with gabapentin.
Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of this guy living with us, he has long overstayed his welcome. He was supposed to move out once he got a place of his own. He has a place of his own, he just has to fix it up. He hasn't worked on it in months. I'm terrified of him. I'm having paranoid hallucinations of him coming to harm me even when he's not here.