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I need help but not sure what to do


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I will try to keep this as short as possible, but that's a bit difficult since there's a lot to say. I'm depressed and tired. This has been going on for a long time. I was born to two severely alcoholic parents who were too involved in their own problems to notice how much I was suffering and do something about it. I still love them, they are not bad people, but they f*cked up. I was taken away by Child Protective Services when I was little and went to three different foster homes, one which was very abusive. When my parents finally got me back after about a year, they still didn't stop drinking.

My Father drank himself to death in the street when I was 11 yrs old. He suffered very badly with depression and PTSD which he was never really treated for. He would leave my Mom and I for weeks and go live on the street to hang out with other war veterans. I think he felt like he could relate to them and tried to stay away from us so he wouldn't hurt us. He was very physically abusive towards my Mom when he was drunk. I really thought he would kill her...or both of us which he did threaten to do (to put us out of our misery). He couldn't work due to his mental state. He was on disability payments from Social Services but still we were dirt poor and on welfare too. Living in bad neighborhoods was also stressful.

My Dad never abused me physically, but my Mom did when she was drunk. She would slap me, pull my hair, call me a little bitch etc (especially if I poured out her booze). She even punched me in the face until my nose was bleeding because I was crying. Despite how it sounds my Mom is one of the nicest people you could meet...a really good person. But too easily influenced by others and wouldn't stand up for herself. She has a lot of anger that she keeps bottled up. She had an abortion before I was born, and I think that is when she started using alcohol to escape. She was sexually assaulted, two times by strangers and once by her own Brother in Law. She never reported any of this. Since then she's been letting people walk all over her. She let shame rule her life.

She was drunk and started crying and telling me about being raped when I was only like 13 yrs old, when she should have been telling an adult, a psychologist etc. It was too much for me to handle. I thought I had to help her...I had to fix her. I've been trying ever since. My Mom was so ashamed of herself and wanted to hide her drinking that she isolated us from our family. After my Dad died it was just the two of us. We moved around a lot. My Mom was always running...thinking things would be better in another place. When she would speak to our family across the country she would never be honest and ask them for help. Now most of them are gone. I have an Uncle and some cousins and that's all. 

I always knew that we were different. I felt ashamed too. I could not have friends over because maybe my Mom was drunk or the house was a mess etc. We didn't have money because most of the time my Mom was too depressed to work a regular job. She would run up credit cards and not pay the bills. Our car was repossessed. She needed help, but wouldn't seek it out. I think when I was very small she tried antidepressants. Later on when I saw that this situation was not how it should be, I begged my Mom to get help and go see a psychologist. She would go a few times and decide she didn't like that one for some reason. I convinced her to go to support groups for alcoholics and people who had been sexually assaulted. She would go for a while and quit. When she retired from work, I pushed her to volunteer or take classes. That didn't work either. She's tried a bunch of different antidepressants, but stopped taking them after a while. I begged her to keep in touch with her friends...I remember crying and asking her to call my Uncle. She would just get angry and tell me to stop telling her what to do.

I told my Mom to find her own place...like a senior apartment. She would act like she wanted to to do it. I gave her phone numbers to call, applications to fill out but she never made an effort. It was my dream to move to Europe for a long time. I had no idea what to do about my Mom. Leave her in the USA? With who? There was nobody. So, I brought her with me. I was scared shitless. But I thought just maybe moving to another country would make her interested in life again. And if I wanted to come, I had to bring her...I didn't know what the alternative was. Leave my Mom who can barely take care of herself? I couldn't do that. So, here we are. I am working and have friends here. It's been tough but I do like it here. My Mom however was not even interested in leaving the apartment most of the time. She had been to Europe like 4 times before I was born. She talked about how much she loved it and wanted to move there. I think that is partially why I became so interested in coming. 

We've been here for like 2 years now. A few months after moving here, my Mom fell in the kitchen and broke her hip. She was in the hospital for a month. The nurses would tell her how important it was to exercise but she would just joke around with them and say "I don't like to exercise". They were not amused. So she came home and it became a daily fight to get her to exercise. Besides that, she now has a problem with urinary incontinence at night so I need to clean a bunch of pissed on sheets and blankets every morning before work (she wears diapers but they always leak). She makes a mess of the house while I'm at work...drops food on the floor etc. I had to beg her to at least do the dishes, which she will actually do now. She says things like "well, I've never been a good housekeeper" and I will say, well start being one now! 

I'm gonna go crazy...that's not an exaggeration. I'm exhausted and so depressed after trying to fix this woman for so long. My whole life has been about trying to help her. She stopped drinking when I was about 20, but because of the depression she still wasn't making a real effort to help us. She let me take over everything. I took over paying the bills etc. She sits at home all day while I'm at work. I'm trying to get her into a retirement home, but they are expensive. The depression is crippling. I need to rest. I love my Mom so much but I can't do all this. Enough is enough. I need help urgently. 

Thank you to everyone who reads this...I know it's quite long. 

Edited by SanityPlease
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I'm so sorry for your loss.  You've been taking on so much responsibility in your life, focusing on others, trying to help your mom.  I give you a lot of credit for taking care of your mom no matter what.  I don't think many people would go to the extent that you have to take care of someone under the conditions you write about.

I also give a lot of credit for making it through life, as strong as you were (and still are). 

Have you considered finding a therapist (tdoc) to talk to?  They can be extremely helpful to talk to, and also might have resources that might help your mom.

I don't have any other advice at the moment, but if I think of some I will post it.

 

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