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So I haven't been around for a while, mostly because I've been feeling better and trying to straighten my life out. I've adjusted to hearing voices/sounds, and I can ignore them for the most part and go on with my life. It's taken over six months, but I've accepted that I'm stuck with them (and probably Abilify) for forever or something. The Abilify helps. I'm on 15mg. I barely hear them (just a few times a day), but I'm still dealing with a lot of dissociation, which isn't too bad, I guess...

But... I'm EXHAUSTED. Like, all the time. I sleep through my alarm clock on a regular basis even when I have like 10 hours of sleep. My shrinky dink switched my Abilify to night time after two weeks of zombie status, shaking, etc., so it's not the Abilify (anymore).

I haven't showered in weeks, tbh. I hate doing housework and am getting in fights with my husband all the time about it. He's so frustrated with me, he can't take it, and neither can I. I go to work, go home, and I just want to go back to bed.

I'm maxed out on my Effexor- apparently I can't go higher than 375. Abilify boosts Effexor, so I really shouldn't be depressed (I guess?), but it's creeping in. The past week has been really hard. I feel like crying most of the time, and my anxiety is at the point where I threw up in public THREE TIMES on the way to work today. Yesterday, I tried to hide in part of the building at work where I could cry and no one would find me, but someone found me. Of course. Ugh.

I started thinking about suicide again after not having it cross my mind in months, and that's really scary. I don't want to go back to curling up in a ball and crying for like four hours. I can't deal with that. It's too hard to resist doing something to myself, whether its self-harm or something else. I'm literally afraid of myself when I'm in that state.

I saw a therapist (for the first time since I was a teenager!) for about a month until a couple weeks ago when she decided that I have enough positive coping mechanisms and don't need to see her anymore. I was feeling okay at that point, so I haven't made another appointment with her. The sixth and final time I saw her, she literally asked me why I was seeing her. I was like, "I would like to not hear voices anymore, or at least be okay with it, or figure out if they're going to go away or stick around?" She just said my shrinky dink should probably up my Abilify, and said bye.

So, if I'm taking all my meds like I'm supposed to, and I'm following the therapist's instructions, WHY OH WHY am I dealing with this depression and exhaustion? It's not situational. I don't understand it. :/

Is this as good as it gets? 

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I deal with this as well and it is horrible. My husband can't stand it either, and thank God I have a super easy job or I would be in trouble there as well. Have you thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in schizophrenia? I did and it makes a big difference. He or she can help you manage symptoms. 

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12 minutes ago, SchizoHH said:

I deal with this as well and it is horrible. My husband can't stand it either, and thank God I have a super easy job or I would be in trouble there as well. Have you thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in schizophrenia? I did and it makes a big difference. He or she can help you manage symptoms. 

I'd love to see a therapist who specializes in schizophrenia. However, my copay for a "specialist" just bumped up to $40 fucking dollars. Pardon my French, but I can't understand it. I have really good insurance through my work. I can't believe they did that. I straight up can't afford it. A year ago, it was $20 for a specialist, and our plan at work hasn't changed. It just suddenly costs more. :/

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I know how you feel. It is really expensive that is for sure. I just read a a book about "surviving schizophrenia" that has been really helpful for me. My therapist wrote it and I was amazed at how helpful it was. Maybe someone on here can recommend another book for you (and me). 

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