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Depressed and Dealing with Being Alone


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I'm having a really hard time. I got out of the psych hospital three days ago. The weird thing is, I was actually happier in the hospital. I think it's because I was forced to be around people and had the group therapy. It still seems backwards and wrong that I was more stable in the hospital. Now, I'm alone eight hours a day and I'm a mess. But then, when my husband comes home, I feel just as bad: crowded, self-conscious, etc. No matter what, there is nothing that I am interested in or enjoy. I feel low, flat, empty. I don't want to feel like this again. I know all about things that I can do to help this: seek socialization, exercise, meditate, support groups, I have a depression workbook, etc. But all of those things are basically meaningless because I have social anxiety, my back is messed up, I can't afford the bus fare to get to support groups, I can't get myself to do the workbook because I can't bear thinking about myself. Plus, like I said, I have no interest in doing anything. What can I do? What can get me out of this flat, low feeling? All I've wanted for years is to actually enjoy something. I've been to countless doctors and therapists with no luck. I've tried almost every antidepressant, mood stabilizer, and antipsychotic that exists. I need help. I need some responses or someone to talk to. Is there anything you guys do when you feel like this? Please, any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks for having me here. 

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I remember in the beginning when I was first DX bipolar, being happier in the hospital than out of there.  It was hard for me to be out of there, especially right afterwards, but what I found was distraction.  Anything.  (I know this is so much harder said than done though).  Do you like to color?  There are adult coloring books out there, for example. 

I know you said you tried countless DRs and therapists (tdocs), but are you currently seeing one now (tdoc) or psychiatrist (pdoc)?  Are you on meds now?  Maybe talk to your DR about a med tweak?  When I am like this, sometimes a med tweak really helps.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

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Yes, I'm seeing a pdoc. (No money for therapist right now.) I see her January 3rd, and I called and left a message today. The thing is, if she tweaks my meds, I can't afford to go get them. I like coloring books, actually. The problem is that if I do something like that, I start to feel like a child or a person with mental retardation, and it starts a whole different spiral of self-hate. I have promised to send about ten people homemade cards, and I'm excited about that, but I can't get myself to do it. Because I just don't care. About anything. I see that you have your diagnoses and meds listed. I'm Bipolar I, GAD, social anxiety, PTSD. I'm on 300mg of Lamictal, 1200mg of Neurontin, and 1mg of Klonopin. Any antidepressant sends me through the roof, and I have no money for the new fancy bipolar meds. Being poor really, really sucks. Especially without insurance. 

Thank you for replying, it means everything. 

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I think the Christmas card making is a great idea!  I also think maybe if you give yourself a "push" (easier said than done though) and have a goal of one card (not 10), maybe once you get that card started/done, you'll get some interest in making more.

I know the feeling of not caring about anything, and it is hard to get out of that way of thinking. 

Idk if this is something you could do (I can't at the moment), but could you get outside and just sit on your porch (or wherever) to get some air?  It kind of breaks up the day and might make you feel differently when you come back in.  Just a thought.

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I did halfway finish a card yesterday, and it did help me feel like I could do it. I do definitely believe in getting fresh air, etc. The joke's on me, I went walking yesterday and twisted my ankle on one of those spiky tree ball things. I'm probably going to urgent care today. Anyway, I am still able to go out on the balcony and things like that and I should definitely do so. Thank you so much for commenting!

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I'm sorry about your ankle!  I've been told to switch ice pack (or anything frozen) and heating pad every 20 minutes.  And that is supposed to really help.  My mom had sprained (?) her ankle and said the ice is really important (according to her DR).  She wasn't in pain for long.  Hopefully your pain will start to disappear.  Just go easy on it, and keep it elevated. 

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I ended up in the E.R., and yeah, my ankle is sprained. I also hurt my back, hip, and knee. I got x-rays and a pain shot and all that, only to be discharged with just an ace bandage. Lol. I feel okay, just standing for a long time and stairs are hard. It's weird though, how physical and mental issues interact. Like, the living room has been trashed for a week (I was trying to reorganize books and art supplies, etc) but now that I'm injured and can't do anything about it, I'm totally freaking out and wanting to clean it and feeling guilty. I also went really bonkers waiting 5 hours in the E.R. room and totally took it out on my husband. Good god. Well, whatever. I'm home and safe now and I can (try to) relax. Thanks for your concern! 

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