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suicidal and ok with it


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In the last two weeks I have attempted suicide twice while drunk. The first time [redacted]. My boyfriend was asleep while i did it and he woke up to me bleeding all over his computer. The police came and took me to the hospital. I realized while i was in the hospital that suicide was my friend, it would always be there for me. I know that probably sounds crazy but thats why I am here, maybe it doesn't make sense to you but it does to me. Last night, [redacted] and the thought of doing it again disgusts me but I know i will probably do it again and maybe i won't be so lucky next time but that doesn't bother me still.  I talk to myself a third person pretending to be loved ones if i did indeed kill myself and i wonder what they would say or do. While i am healing, I put hydrogen peroxide on my wounds because I like the way it feels. i am addicted to the bubbles the sensation. My friends want me to go talk to people at the hospital for therapy but I can't talk to doctors. They don't get it, they never have and probably never will.  In the last year I have been to the hospital 6 times all over the country. Two months ago i was airlifted to a hospital in bellingham. I went to a hospital in Nashville then one month later in Raleigh. I wonder what one i will go to next, probably the morgue. 

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Hi, poeyedtree,

Welcome to CB. I'm sorry I had to edit your post, but we don't permit detailed descriptions of self-injurious behavior. There are a lot of people here who can support you as you work on getting better, but we have to protect our members, too, and we don't leave triggery stuff for people to see.

I hope you're OK right now and that your wounds are healing well. Please feel free to stay here and be part of our amazing community.

Gearhead (moderator)

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I too, realized that the option of committing suicide would always be there for me.  That meant I eventually came to understand that it was the wrong choice for the immediate now of pain.  I walked away, secure in knowing I could always kill myself later.  

I continued to let go of the urge to commit suicide at this very moment.  As I did so, I realized that while it will always be a possibility I'm able to make into reality, as a concept without an independent existence except in its execution, suicide is not my friend.  Suicide doesn't care about me in particular or anyone in general, because it's not a human being. 

Death can't welcome me with open arms because death doesn't have arms.  As far as we know, it's just the end.  Forever.   Pain doesn't last, even though our feelings might be that it will, the simple truth is that change is inevitable and you will not be in pain forever.  Or maybe you will be, and that's the human condition in a nutshell.  I'm a Buddhist myself; I go with the second option.

The truth of death is that it's messy and disgusting in the physical sense, and emotionally devastating to  everyone who cares about you, including people you've probably forgotten about.  When my ex-boyfriend killed himself a few years ago, my pain at his passing helped me know I'd made the right decision.

Edited by saveyoursanity
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