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Was feeling down and decided to write and share this...


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I was feeling down and decided to write.    

 

I need a job.  I need the structure.  I need to get out of the house.  I don’t like most people.  I don’t know what type of job I am best suited for.  People kept telling me to get on LinkedIn and I finally did. Nothing.  Because I am not a sociable person this has hurt me in the area of networking.  My self-esteem is tied to what I do and currently I’m doing nothing so I feel like nothing.  I feel like a useless person.  I drink often to drown out my feelings, sometimes this works sometimes it doesn’t.  At this point I don’t feel alive.  I feel like I’m just existing.  Staying alive so you don’t hurt your loved ones but yet you are hurting.  They say suicide is a selfish act but being here and being miserable and depressed then others “act” like they are irritated by your negativity.  Like I woke up yesterday and said hey I want to suffer from depression and anxiety.  I wonder if it’s worth it.  I went to school got my education and graduated from college even though I didn’t even feel connected to that.  I just did what was expected of me.  How I was taught and raised to be.  Get a good education and get a good job.  Well Corporate America sucks big time!  I hate the corporate environment.  I can’t begin to speak on how overly stressed I am by the unrealistic expectations.  Thanks to the stress through the years I now have high blood pressure.  My anxiety has gotten worst I now sometimes have panic attacks.  The corporate environment, the toxic environment has made everything worst.  I thought if I just roll up my sleeves and work hard then I would do well.  Well I was very naïve for thinking that.  I was nothing more than a dancing monkey for the company.  I get used then kicked to the curb.  They take the best of you then when you start to decline they replace you with some young naive college grad.  I would have never imaged that it would be so hard just to make a living and keep your sanity.  I not trying to be rich or live fancy I just don’t want to be stressed out and overwhelmed.  I don’t want to wake up in the morning and feel some sense of fear about leaving my house to go to work.  Or having to take a pill just to calm the anxiety.  Dealing with the numerous symptoms of anxiety on a daily basis.  If I have to live poorly just to be “okay” then I’ll rather choose that.  I was somewhat of a perfectionist, I wanted to do my best and be the best I could.  Now I feel differently, I just want to find a job I can handle and tolerate until my son graduates from high school.  I’m just trying to get by.  I don’t want to work 50 or 60 hours a week.  I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy or a pity party.  At this stage in my life, I just know my strengths and weaknesses.  I know what I can handle and what I can’t. 

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Depression is a ridiculous liar that tells us all kinds of crap about who it thinks we are. It's not true. Depression lies.

Sometimes to get outside our own suffering, it helps to be of service to others. This definitely would help with the doing nothing and feeling worthless because of it.

 

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I know that worthless feeling, and it's the pits.  I agree with Melissa that a therapist might be helpful to you, and I also agree with Woo that doing something to help others can help us depressed folks to feel like we're contributing something.  Maybe you should look for a job in the non-profit sector, doing something that benefits unfortunate people in our society.

You may not want to hear this, but drinking isn't always a good thing for depression.  If I drink too much, I get really morose and feel hopeless.  Plus, alcohol can reduce the  efficacy of your medications.  I'm not being critical---I've had periods in my life when I drank a lot.  I just know that it didn't do anything to help my depression.

I hope you'll continue to talk to us and let us know how you're doing.

olga

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