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Short story: I'm 25, dx with bipolar (possible), depression (highly probable), ex-cutter, PTSD-er. Newish t...kid, clinic, college, in training, absolutely ADORE her, and I hate therapy. couple years with her; usually I drop out in a couple of weeks.

She wants to "consider confronting" this junk that's screwing up my sleep and my brain. Work thing; some guy, co-worker several weeks, compounded some various other issues already there. That's about as much as I want to say about that. She's of a different opinion: it might be good to dredge again, but theraputically, not for legality's sake. Homework this week: figure out HOW I want to do this, since we (apparently?) agree that it ought to be done. Writing at home, writing there, talking to her, etc. It makes me want to throw up and I have this distinct feeling that it might kill me. might be a good idea, however...I haven't sorted that out yet.

Also...I have to continue to function. I've never been IP, never taken ANY time off of work for any sort of problems (some time off of college, but amounted to only a couple of weeks). I'm crawling into a hole where I cannot leave the house; I worry about that, but I can still get to work if I needn't talk to anyone (pretty usual, my job, if I like). Panic attacks if it's otherwise. But that popped up AFTER this talk. I can't NOT function. I'm the breadwinner here, with a household entirely dependent on my continued employment and continued biweekly paychecks. Can't afford time off, at all. I'm not sure that I won't die of this talking. My heart goes nuts and I feel like I'm going to fall out. It lasts a couple of days, and is worse, not better. Tried the dredging thing before, somewhat briefly, continued a couple of months like that until I gave up.

Advice?

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Dredging up the nasty stuff is never easy. If you tdoc feels like it is time you try, she may sense that you are strong enough now, maybe stronger than you have been in the past, to be able to explore some of the nastiness.

You need to go at your own pace. A pace which will not overwhelm you. My only advice right now is to talk to your tdoc about how even thinking about the nasty stuff makes you sick. One idea: print out your post and hand it to your tdoc to read if you don't think you can talk about.

Dealing with PTSD is difficult. Sessions can and do often leave you feeling worse than before you went in. Perhaps a starting point could be setting up a plan on how to deal with the aftermath of sessions, work on this with your tdoc, have a solid plan in place, and then begin dredging up the past.

Just an idea. I am sure more people can offer ideas as well.

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Ultimately you have to make a choice between being well with a period of short term agony OR maintaining life as it is n constant pain. I know how hard it is when you're feeling obligated to bring in a wage and you want to continue to be you, the working productive leader you, rather than the off work, going nuts you.

I have had to give up doing my degree and sign on for benefits and live at home to commit to 2 years of dredging therapy that I don't want to do really. I have had two initial sessions and I am already freaking out. But I do want to get better and metaphorically learn to swim rather than tread water in a pool of my own issues for the rest of my life.

Maybe you could visit your Human Resources dept or Social Secirty dept to see what support you could get, from working part time, to which getting tax credits you could get?

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Just my two cents, but I think it's probable that you are just not ready. Even if your tdoc seems to think so, if you're having this much anxiety and anguish over the mere thought of confronting, you're not there yet. I mean, of course it's an anxiety provoking situation. It's a huge deal. But the problems you are having just at the thought leads me to believe you're not ready. And if you don't think and feel that you're ready, tell your doc. She shouldn't be pushing you to do it. Even if she thinks it'll be good for you.

I'm at the point where I'm ready to do some confronting on my own, but I've had about 15 years to build up the courage and learn some skills. The thought still has me somewhat anxious, but not the level you are describing. I feel like I am ready and capable of pushing through the fear and uncomfortableness, but like I said I've had time.

I agree with Erika, you need to do it on your timeline, not the docs.

Croix

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d-grrl, this will not kill you. It will be very very hard but it will not kill you. You survived the _____ the first time around, you will survive the memory of it as well. I promise. It makes me sick too. I have found a way to compartmentalize it though. It's perhaps not as healthy as I'd like it to be, but my t-doc suggested that I "leave it there" in her office and somehow, I've been able to. This was not always true. In the beginning, when we first started working on this stuff, I was terrified and thought for sure I would die. It took a lot of trial and error to get to a point where I could bear it. You will get there too. Take baby steps if you need to. You can keep your job. You can continue to function. You can do this. Honest. Millie O

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Thanks, everyone, for your support and ideas...it'll be very helpful. I go in today, to try to handle this as best as I can. I'm dubious about this notion that I'm "strong," but, I suppose, I don't have a lot of choice in the manner. I'm a tough shit...but I've always thought of that as being I can take a blow and can handle myself with the best of them. Maybe I can lean a bit on that. It's kind of like pulling teeth, though...the kind of pain that it feels like it's impossible to handle. *grin* punch me in the gut anytime, over that, over this.

But, again, thanks. I'll at least go in there knowing that other people have managed. And that's a good thought.

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