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What's the lowest you've been?


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I find it helpful to ponder on the past and appreciate the now, I'm really happy with how I am at the moment and I think it has to do with the fact that I know what it feels like to feel horribly low. So even if any of you do feel really low, ask yourself 'have you been worse?' and maybe share it because it that it might give you some hope.

What's the lowest you've been?

____

I think for me it was during my first episode which happened to be a depressed one when I was 14. I was so low that I couldn't get out of bed for anything. My grandfather would shout at me for not getting up (I was living with my grandparents at the time) but I wouldn't leave my bedroom. It was that bad that I eventually couldn't even get up to go to the toilet. My nan had to help me shower. Eventually the crisis team came and I was put on fluaxatine which sky-rocketed my mood within a week and then things got worse which landed me in psych.

Edited by The Right Honourable Jimmy
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I block out depressions, so I can't remember much from when I was purely depressed without the presence of psychosis. 

Lowest I can remember certainly was being pummelled with mixed states and psychosis. I had all the fun of being deeply down yet surging with agitated energy. And then I also thought my husband was keeping me prisoner and that North Korea was somehow after me too. I hid in my art studio and when the mixed states were too much, I'd curl on the floor and lay dead still. It was the only way to safely get through the storm to whatever brief rest that awaited on the other side. Then it would start all over again. I just remembering feeling so scared all the damn time. I somewhat remember depressions where I didn't wash, get out of bed, etc... but I was never deeply terrified for such a long period of time. And depression never too away my ability to speak or communicate.

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I also don't remember lots during my depression times. I do remember the mental pain and dread being so bad I couldn't think of anything else and it was hard to think of others, consider their needs and do anything for anyone. I had migraines too and would spend most of the time in bed and never shower. I guess eventually I started thinking demons were out to get me. I wanted to die so bad. It sometimes scares me to think I could be like that again, but I usually just try to live for today and enjoy that I am not depressed and can do things for other people again.

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When I went off the main meds for a few months, was listening to the voices, thought someone was picking me up (someone being one of the voices).  I was waiting in the ER.  Listening to voices, I was outside in 20 degree weather, first opening some car and threw my entire purse in it (I was told they would take car of it). 

Then I was walking around cars in the parking lot trying to find the voice.  Some lady (IRL) asked me if I was ok, then security picked me up and brought me in.  Eventually I was in a room in the ER. Ended up, after a few days in the ER (they didn't know my name or anything), with no meds for a couple days, being transferred to a psych hospital for 5 or 6 days.  I finally told them my name.  I was so sick with the flu then.  And after a few days on meds, and the flu was better, I lied to get the hell out of there.  I had lost so much weight too because I thought there were drugs in my food.  Still hearing voices, I was discharged.

While in the psych hospital, After 2 - 3 days, I called my mother and asked her if she had my walkman (it was something in my purse that I threw in the unknown car), not caring about my wallet with all my ID, credit cards, etc.  What happened with getting my purse back ... fortunately the lady who found it (a lawyer) turned it into the police a town over from where I lived.  The police called my parents to let them know they had my purse.  It was 3 days since I was missing, my parents not knowing where I was, and my mother said had they not found out where I was (my pdoc back then told them ... breaking HIPAA rules ... I asked him why he told my parents where I was, and he said, "I'm a parent too, and I would have wanted to know where my child was too).  Anyway, I was close to being on TV as a missing person.

Weird things happened on the unit ... I woke up the last day I was there, I was woken up by the nurse taking a needle out of my arm and the pdoc saying I could go home.  Then I was waiting for my mother to pick me up and one of the nurses there (guy) said, "Why don't you go to the bathroom."  And I said I didn't need to go.  Then he really suggested it so I went along with it.  I get in the bathroom (Possible TMI, sorry) and I had an extremely heavy period out of no where (I was way too thin to have it).  And I wondered how the hell did he know I should use the bathroom?

Anyway, after that I was discharged, and begged my mom to pick me up right away instead of when she got out of work.  She did, and I almost passed out walking to the car.  Don't know how I was standing up.  I get home thank God, and then my life just continued with the voices, etc.

Sorry this is so jumbled.  Hope it makes sense.

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Hm... freshman year of college. I was mixed or rapid cycling or who knows what. Had depressive symptoms most of the time. Self-harming, bulimic, abusing alcohol, and generally not in touch with reality. Culminated in an episode where I was hiding under my desk threatening people with a razor and then becoming convinced that I had to attempt suicide against my will (don't remember what I thought was controlling me). Spent winter break in hospital, what a shock.

My non-mixed depressions trample on my ability to function and are generally awful experiences, but it's my mixed-moods that are really dangerous.

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I wonder why a lot of you stated that mixed states where the ones that felt the worst. I'm just curious that's all.

I've been mixed couple of times but I was psychotic and kinda lost and didn't knew what was going on

where as when I've had ordinary depressed episodes I was fully aware of my pain, it was so horrible I couldn't stand it. I can still remember the depression but the mixed states I can't fully remember, I just know the facts.

Edited by The Right Honourable Jimmy
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Depression makes sense in my head. It's a single set of problems and related problems that make sense. I can feel depressed. It's horrible, but know how to feel that way.

Mixed is terrible because I am feeling both utterly depressed and vaulting into excitable/happy/furiously angry and my body just doesn't know how to feel both ways at once without making my me feel like my mind and body are ripping apart. Throw psychosis in there, and I'm more likely to end up dead than if I'm depressed. I hate suicide, I am so deeply against it, but when I'm psychotic, I might do it for some dumb, delusional reason like "escaping" the prison my husband is holding me in. That scares me, when my mind is no longer my mind at all. I'm so utterly gone, there's no seeing through anything or being able to understand what's happening to me. I fear going back to that because it truly feels like it could have a fatal outcome and I don't want to have killed myself over some deluded belief that makes my death ridiculous and pointless. 

*edit* I need to establish that one is not worse than the other generally. It's just mixed is worse for me personally. Not playing down anyone else's experience with depression by any means. Thought I should cover my bases there.

Edited by saintalto
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A rather long mixed episode was my worst. I had fits of violent rage and sank to hitherto unexplored depths, all the while being wound up like a top. The lowest lows? Hmmm. I immediately think of the crashes (there were five of them over the course of as many months), as those were pretty classic lows where I was weepy, suicidal, but not wanting to get out of bed, etc. 

But when I really think about it, the worst parts were actually right before the crashes, when I was both super high and super low at the same time. It's very hard to explain, but it was a feeling of being completely out of control, like driving into oncoming traffic on the freeway while going 100 miles per hour. Or like being torn apart from the inside. Or like being in a cage that some giant was violently shaking.  Energy was sky-high, I was extremely agitated, everything was all jumbled, rage was off the charts, and I wanted very much to die.  The more distant the memory becomes, the less palpable it is, so I have a hard time describing it. It was the opposite of euphoria, but the term dysphoria does not seem to adequately describe it. I would recount specific events, but I am too ashamed. I don't even think I told my pdoc.

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Well this one time I got so bad I was found wandering the streets downtown. Totally off my rocker. Hearing voices and depressed and had just quit school a little while before for the millionth time. It thought it would be a good idea to claw all my skin off. So I started to do just that. I don't want to go into details but somehow I ended up IP and was let go the next day because they knew they couldn't hold me. 

A week or so passed and I once again ended up IP for trying to commit suicide (charcoal and tubes shoved down my nose/throat to make me violently sick to get the all Lithium and klonopin out of me). I remember an elderly lady next to me (I must have been in ICU) got visitors. They thought the visitors were for me. I got really paranoid. The visitors saw me and the elderly lady heard me talking about what I'd done to a nurse or something. The elderly lady asked her visitors if I was a young girl. I think she felt bad for me. I was young. 

This time I was IP for a month at least and then was handcuffed and transported to a state hospital in another town against my wishes. I spent a whole fucking year in that state hospital. They kept bouncing me to different wards which was part of the reason my stay was so fucking long. The acute ward to the general psych ward to the women's ward (as I have had some trauma in my past and was young and pretty back then so I was getting unwanted attention from a lot of dudes there). 

With the meds I am on now,  I no longer am a severe danger to myself or others so I've managed to be IP free for 7 months now. And I haven't been transported to a state hospital in maybe 2 years? Yay for small victories?

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@Wonderful.Cheese

Why did they send you to a state hospital for a year? I was under the impression that they've been scaling down since the 60's and are barely much of a presence anymore. Never came across someone hospitalised for so long in a state facility in the fairly recent past. Sorry, really interests me as I used to do urban exploration at defunct state hospitals. Some of the hospitals had wards that were still active, but were exclusively for the criminally insane.

If it's too personal a question, I'd understand. 

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Not sure if this is the lowest per se but I called it beginning my "fall from grace"

 

I was driving going into work approximately 6:15AM and idk what happened I crashed my car into the person in front of me. The guy had little damage but I totalled my car. I don't remember this part but it was in the police report that I was running in the middle of the road trying to get someone to hit me andI was banging my head against the asphalt. My stepfather (who is a cop but in a different town) told the EMT guys to take me away. From there it's a bit of a blue I remember them trying to restrain me and the guy said "I'll break your fucking hand" and I was being attacked with the needle (nothing new there).

Then I was transported to another hospital and was there for a few weeks. From there I was transported (in 4 point restraints...idk why...but I remember that) to a state hospital. I spent 2-3 months there.

I have been hospitalized multiple times since this incident but that one I think was the worse of them all.

I haven't driven since...maybe 2 or 3 times?

Sigh. I'll admit that I'm looking forward for better days to come...hoping that it will stay that way.

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22 hours ago, saintalto said:

@Wonderful.Cheese

Why did they send you to a state hospital for a year? I was under the impression that they've been scaling down since the 60's and are barely much of a presence anymore. Never came across someone hospitalised for so long in a state facility in the fairly recent past. Sorry, really interests me as I used to do urban exploration at defunct state hospitals. Some of the hospitals had wards that were still active, but were exclusively for the criminally insane.

If it's too personal a question, I'd understand. 

They sent me there because I wasn't getting any better. I was still suicidal and hearing voices more often than not. I pretty much stopped talking. I'd pace the long halls all day and was knocked out by lots of meds at night. The meds they kept trying weren't working at all. They kept saying I needed ECT badly. But I refused. Maybe if I would have done that they wouldn't have sent me off to that state hospital. 

 

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese
Maybe I overshared. I don't want to be found on the internets.
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In general, I am at the lowest point of my life now. I've found as the years go by, things get worse in a fairly linear pattern. I am not the worst I've ever been in terms of mood, but with my current circumstances combined with how I'm feeling and functioning, things are definitely worse than ever.

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The lowest I've been was when I was fourteen years old. I was having intense mixed episodes that lasted two or three hours, multiple times a day. Between the mixed episodes I was so tired and empty. I wanted to kill myself just to end the episodes. For the most part they are a blur, but I do remember feeling so agitated, like I just wanted to rip my skin off. I remember feeling scared and hearing a voice. I had so much energy. Everything was overwhelming. I screamed at everyone around me and acted agressively. My parents locked anything that I could use to hurt myself or anyone else away. I tried to jump out of a window multiple times to kill myself. I managed to stay out of the hospital for a while because my dad (who was on family medical leave from his work) acted as a kind of guard. Eventually I was hospitalized. 

Looking back on this makes me realize just how good things are now, even though they aren't perfect. It is also a good reminder of why I should always take my medication. And that I am lucky to have really good support from the people around me.

 

Edited by Zinnia
Improper grammar
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I should state that on top of my bipolar diagnosis, I'm also diagnosed with severe treatment resistant depression. If it ever comes back severely, I must do ECT. I'm blind and the pdoc doesn't feel I'd be actually safe inpatient. Ive been inpatient twice and idk why he'd say that. He said it was due to being blind and my cane. Anyway, my worst have been my SI and my actual suicide attempts. My first ended in the ER having my stomach pumped after a friend found me OD'd. The other times, I have no idea why I woke up. There's no way a person should survive on what I took, but I did. I've started into a depression again and I worry it will get severe. Depression is my main problem. Extreme hypo is 2nd. 

Mixed states are total hell. You will feel wonderful, then in depressive hell, then super pissed off, then kinda out of it, then mega high again and over & over & over...most of the time in the same day. For days on end. There's usually very little sleep while it's happening. I try to isolate as much as possible when I'm experiencing them. They suck. 

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I can tell you about the lowest I've been, but I can also show you.

Back when I was 21, my life was spinning out of control. I had been rapid cycling and mixing really bad for the last 3 years or so and, with the addition of liquor to my daily 'diet,' things just went downhill even quicker. This photo literally shows me at my bottom: symptomatic as hell; depression magnified by alcohol abuse; a day or two earlier I had tried to kill myself. It's my major deterrent. Whenever I see it, it makes me think, "I never want to be there ever again!" In a way, this picture perfectly illustrates that period of time in which my life really self-destructed.

And yes. That is a dog collar. It has my name and address on it, just in case I were to wander off.

FUBAR2.jpg

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