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It's 11 and I woke up at 2 or 3. I don't remember. I went to bed around midnight. I have a disappointed cat and a cold apartment. An appointment with one therapist tomorrow and another on Thursday.

 

Tomorrow is going to be with a therapist that has a focus on youth. I'm 29 so I'm only 'several months away from our last meeting. She's been with me for over 6 years. Oversaw my homelessness, my transition, my going into and out of hospitals. I want to keep seeing her weekly for years to come but I guess it's only reasonable. And the right time. If it wasn't I'd know. I just kind of.. I'unno.

 

Her and I talk about nightmares a lot. They really fucking suck. I don't know if it's because I forgot to take my med last night but I had a lot of them. Walked in on a play my friends were putting on. Accidentally wandered on stage and I didn't have a part in it. So I ran off stage and into a field that kept changing. I got a call from a friend and I couldn't describe what I was seeing. I realized that no one could understand and I was going crazy.

I then "woke up" in a dark room and someone was pounding on a door it was a rapist and I was in trouble. Lately I've been having those pop up in my dreams a lot. I won't share anymore. But I woke up for real and saw mealworms covering my body. And then the dream imagery stuff kind of faded away.

 

So. that's cool. Usually I write a bit of what I dream to my therapist when it's awful. It must not be weird to have a connection with a therapist you've been seeing. I mean.. C'mon it's their job. But. Still. I'm an adult and in a way I feel like I'm going to be stepping out into the big wide world alone. In some ways I've been alone for most of my life. It's just.. in some ways it feels more so now that we're dissolving the relationship. Her practice is growing in leaps and bounds. She's going on a sabbatical and I... the great 29 year old kid is going to be looking for new caregivers. I guess. In a couple of months.

 

Then why does it feel like it's already happened? Then why am I still scared to go to sleep like a child? Then why am I 29 years old still unable to go grocery shopping, step out of her apartment, still unable to shop for clothes and haven't done laundry in months? then why am I? I don't know... Why do I feel like I've already missed out on most of life? Unable to bring myself to play with my cat and spend a substantial amount of my time crying alone?

 

I guess I don't know. fuck life. right?

 

 

Edited by real-dreamer
making it better-er

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Hey girl!

Your post caught my eye because my cat is mad at me right now since I changed her dry food to one for overweight kitties.  She's taking it pretty hard but she still gets wet food twice a day.

Anyways, that was WAY off topic.

I was wondering what meds you're on.  I know that with certain ones I've taken in the past, missing one night would make me horribly unstable!  I think that is when i was on the Zyprexa.  I wouldn't sleep AT ALL until my next dose.

I take Ability now instead and even if I miss a whole day it doesn't make much difference.  I suppose it's because Ability is not as sedating to me to begin with.  If anything it's kind of activating which is why i take it in the morning.  

Looks like this was your first post so welcome aboard!

I tend to sleep all day and stay up most of the night but not always.  My psychiatrist gets annoyed and worried when i tell her about my sleep schedule.  I try to keep it normal but somehow I screw it up every time.  

I hope you can find a new Dr. that you will eventually feel comfortable with.  I'm sorry that you're having so much anxiety.  

 

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Gosh... Lesse. Here's a list if you're curious. Super-de-long. But here you are. It follows.

 

I appreciate your input and thoughtful response. Thank you. Meds can be really powerful stuff. Sleep is rough stuff. I've got a couple therapists. One focuses on well... Most stuff. The other one focuses on my eating disorder. It's all kind of fucked up stuff. Right?

Prazosin 2 mg tablets

Instructions: Take 4mg in the morning and take 6mg at night

 
Amitryptaline 50mg
Instructions: Take 0.5 tablets (25 mg) by mouth at bedtime
 
DULoxetine 60mg
Instructions: Take 2 capsules (120 mg) by mouth daily
 
Spironolactone
Instructions: Take 1 tablet (100 mg) by mouth 2 times daily
 
Omeprazole PO
Instructions: Take 20 mg by mouth daily
 
Estradiol 2 mg
Instructions: Take 3 tablets (6 mg) by mouth daily
 
sumatriptan 100 mg
Instructions: Take 1 tablet (100 mg) by mouth at onset of headache for migraine may repeat in 2 hours if needed: max 2/day; average number of headaches monthly 5
 
 
 
Edited by real-dreamer

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I have never heard of any of those meds so i decided to look up each one and see what they do.

Interesting.  You must have chronic pain alongside your depression.  

Oh, I did know what Omeprazole is though because it's a life save for me when i have heart burn.  

It's 1:40am and I'm surprised I'm so awake still.  I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.  

I don't have much else to say...

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Rough stuff through and through. I see a therapist person again tomorrow. Here's hoping it's good stuff.

 

Chronic pain is pretty awful stuff. And um. I don't know what else. I find myself shrugging a lot. It's 12:45 here. I'unno what to say. So. *shrugs*

 

It's all kind of stressful and I don't particularly want to leave my therapist and um. I don't know. I'unno. Whatever. I guess. Yeah. Stuff kind of sucks and stuff. Right?

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If you decide to leave your therapist, I'd make sure you have one in place before ending it with him/her.  It would suck if you went for awhile without any therapist at all.  IMO.

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Oh, hey. Chronic pain, late-20s, trans, chronic depression, nightmares.. Snap.

You being the age you are and having those problems isn't a sign of somehow failing. It sounds like you feel that way a bit? It's a sign that you're struggling with a lot of serious shit that most people wouldn't even know where to start with. There isn't an age where you're expected to have Gotten Over depression/the rest by. So.. don't worry about that.

I've been seeing my psych for about 6 years now. Only just been able to actually tell her some important stuff this year. Takes a long time to build up.. That trust, I guess. And be in the right place emotionally.

Whisper

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You have had the strength to actively pursue the person you always knew you were. Bravo! Try and hold on to that. It is scary to change therapists but I try by telling myself "they've heard it all before" and "they want to help me. That is why they're here". So I dive right in. Can't say I haven't scared or shocked a few but that's how I know to keep looking. I'm truly sorry for your struggles. My impression was that you suffer from depression and there's a good chance you aren't being properly medicated for it. Maybe the positive to come from this change is you will have a new intake done and you'll get help in areas that aren't being addressed. I have severe depression and have 12 loads of laundry that I dont know how will ever get done. You're not so alone. Good luck and may you find peace today. PS Omeprazole can have a diluting effect on other medications so you may not be realizing the full benefits of some meds. Make sure you have a good MH medication prescriber.

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