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dnr - do not read. support not required


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if you feel at the bottom of the world, post here. let it out. join me in the infinite blackness. and if you're lucky, crawl back up again. i will too. but maybe when you feel like you're touching the bottom of the world, post here and let us know that you did.

grouse.

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if you feel at the bottom of the world, post here. let it out. join me in the infinite blackness. and if you're lucky, crawl back up again. i will too. but maybe when you feel like you're touching the bottom of the world, post here and let us know that you did.

grouse.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My friend Elizabeth broke my heart last year when she jumped from a parking garage. She had her dnr pinned to her blouse--they didn't need it. Nice thread idea Mr. Mouse, today I am 51% in favor of life, but I'm sure I'll need this room.

Hugs,

Suze

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;)

i dreamt last night that i killed myself by jumping off something. i dreamt the whole thing. right down to the impact. and i dreamt the whole final thought process too. i do not understand why people bother to get old. i'm at the bottom right now.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

For one thing, grouse, it would kill your family if you did that.  They would be in irreparable pain every day for the rest of their lives. You are a kind soul, and I know you don't want to deeply, irrevocably wound them, especially the nieces.

What is going on with your meds, grouse?  They're not working if you're feeling like this.

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you are correct libby. that is the sole reason i am still alive. that and, given this past year, seroquel. but really, my meds suck. i do not hold out hope for them to make me better. i think i've just been ill too long. it is the way my brain works now.

one other thing i want for this thread is that people can post here without receiving support. if people want support they can post on their own threads. i'm hoping that people can post here and just let it all out and feel that it is okay to do so. because that is something that i need to be able to do. i have to write when i am in a depression. it's just the way i am. i can't talk to my family about it because they wouldn't understand and would probably freak out and bung me in hospital in about 3 milliseconds (4 if the car won't start).

i want this to be a canvas that people can emote on however they wish when they are down in the darkest times.

does that sound really insulting? that i'd like a thread to not have support on it? maybe it does and nobody else feels the way i do and i'll be the only one who uses this thread.

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one other thing i want for this thread is that people can post here without receiving support. if people want support they can post on their own threads. i'm hoping that people can post here and just let it all out and feel that it is okay to do so. because that is something that i need to be able to do. i have to write when i am in a depression. it's just the way i am. i can't talk to my family about it because they wouldn't understand and would probably freak out and bung me in hospital in about 3 milliseconds (4 if the car won't start).

i want this to be a canvas that people can emote on however they wish when they are down in the darkest times.

does that sound really insulting? that i'd like a thread to not have support on it? maybe it does and nobody else feels the way i do and i'll be the only one who uses this thread.

I hear ya, grouse.  I really do.  I deleted my other post.  I have to say, however, that I hope noone follows through and commits suicide.  I hope they just use this as a place to write, as you said.
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Motorgrrl, in my case, huge anxiety was the tipping point in making me more actively suicidal.  I felt more likely to act upon it, the more severe the anxiety got. I used to lock myself in the bathroom because I felt safer in a smaller space.  I would sit on the floor, holding my knees to my chest, rocking, and praying for God to stop me from killing myself. 

I'm going to PM you about meds.

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Price of air ticket from Japan to US: $1,200.

Roundtrip miles: 12,000

Hours on plane (one way): 12

Vacation days used to come back here: 12

Being told point-blank by father that there's no room for me to stay at their house, and they are too busy meeting local friends to meet me for dinner: priceless.

I'm not bothering to haul my ass back here next year, that's for sure. I've cried myself to sleep throughout this fucking vacation. Thought I was over that whole mess, but apparently not.

Thanks for putting up this thread, grouseman. I can't tell anyone because I sound and feel like a whiny loser if I say anything to anyone, so I sit on it and mope. maybe if i get it out here it'll help. I'm sure I'll get some perspective at some point, but can't find it just now.

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I don't know if i am depressed.

i mean i could be, but i feel like i shouldn't.

I've thought about suicide, and it just seems unreasonable to myself.

i just don't think it would be right for me to. I mean for me to do it i would have to be really unhappy, but it just seems to mean of a thing to do. I dont want to make my parents or "friends" unhappy. Then i think about how unhappy that would make them and it makes me unhappy that i thought of it in the first place. I don't really find a point in being alive or being dead. I don't know if i care.

Lately ive been in a really weird state of apathy. I'm no longer friends with two of my really good friends because according to them i am too pessemistic and unhappy all the time. As it was happening i kind of shut it out and let myself not care. but by doing that its like i stopped caring about the other things i loved doing. I feel burnt out on life. Then i think about how my life really isn't that bad and it seems stupid that i should contemplate myself being "depressed" and i feel like i am just being a wimp because other people can live their lives fine, why should i be so depressed. i feel like im just being an overdramatic teen. It doesn't help that everyone in my school is a complete dumbass though. THat definately contributes to me being sad/angry...

I used to drink to have that "escape", but now i don't even care to do that. I dont want to bother, nor do i want to be with any drunk people because most of them are dumb enough sober. i think before i killed myself i would have to kill everyone else first.

I also think my migraine medication doesn't help anything. So i am stopping that, but i don't know.

I feel like if i could say i am crazy or something that it would be justification for everything i am and why i am like i am.

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Price of air ticket from Japan to US: $1,200.

Roundtrip miles: 12,000

Hours on plane (one way): 12

Vacation days used to come back here: 12

Being told point-blank by father that there's no room for me to stay at their house, and they are too busy meeting local friends to meet me for dinner: priceless.

Lily, reading that breaks my heart.  I hope you don't mind my saying this, but your father is a COMPLETE ASS. 
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asses, passes,

sometime sasses

mostly sadness

do not resuscitate

do not respond

do not really

sometimes just need to be SEEN

and that is all

sometimes comfort is dismissal

and dismissal is affirmation

of the deep dark pit of ALONE.

we can all sit

like DB said

in the primordial sadness

it's sometimes home.

this is also a good place for this:

sadworld400.jpg

clawing the side of the pit today, sliding down,

Pj

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Grouse:

I'm sorry that you have sunk so low. You have struggled hard to keep going, but don't give up.

This is a peer support forum, which at the best of times helps one another from falling, and  provides encouragement to keep climbing the mountain.  Somedays one gets atop the next ledge, other days merely hanging on and not being blown off the ledge by the winds is a vitory.

An extended pity party goes against my basic nature.  And I know from your writing that there are brighter, more hopeful embers in you, covered though they may be by depression today.

Do not aid the depression demon by entertaining his destructive thoughts. Resist. Resist.

You are free to post anything you care to write, so please don't let me discourage you from expressing yourself.

A.M. (Stoically braced for thrown shoes and brickbats)

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Do not aid the depression demon by entertaining his destructive thoughts. Resist. Resist.

You are free to post anything you care to write, so please don't let me discourage you from expressing yourself.

A.M. (Stoically braced for thrown shoes and brickbats)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A.M. well said. Mr. Mouse wouldn't hurt a fly! He's got the sweetest spirit of ALL these crazydudes, IMO. It's a tough contest, admittedly.  ;)

Suze

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sigh, okay. forget it. but peej provided a great example of what i mean. although my thoughts have been on suicide for the last couple of days, it's not about suicide. (and my thoughts were not on committing suicide, but just thoughts about it - yeah, that's vague, but hey). and it's not about a pity party. it's about expressing yourself when in your blackest depression for the catharsis it brings. turning a tap and seeing what comes out. it's about reaching out in the void and touching the wall. knowing where you are in that darkness.

i know why it seems like an extended pity party, but i also know why it isn't.

and actually the dnr meant do not read. as in if you care about me and don't want me to be hurting then don't read this thread because i am hurting and there's not much that can be done about it. it's not a pity thing. i accept the way i am. when i have been taken down by depression there is nothing i can do about it. i have no pride in that state. i have no shame. my mind has been taken over chemically and i just have to wait and ride it out. i don't want other people to be hurting for me when depression has taken me down because then it is just hurting more people. physical hugs don't help me when i am in a depression. they make it worse because a) i am uncomfortable being touched, and b ) it generates no emotion in me which bothers me because i know it should but the brain chemicals are blocking any good feelings. i don't collapse sobbing into someone's arms when i am in a depression, curling up and feeling safe and warm in their arms. i go kind of flat. dead. i appear unemotional. and i am at times so angry that i am almost in a rage.

but no, we can't have teenagers surfing through and offing themselves. and yeah this is a peer support place so the thread doesn't belong here. maybe i'll put one on my web server when i get it up and running. (but don't anyone get excited cos the expected unveiling is likely to be 2029 at my current rate of progress.)

grouse.

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i GUESS THIS IS WHERE I FIT...dmr TOO DUMB TOO FIGURE IT OUT .. nO MORE BRAINS CELLS LEFT..

WHO CARES . COULD HAVE BEEN A DOC SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DOC BUT  FUCKED UP... THAT'S IT. END OF STORY OF LIFE. WANTED TO GET ECT. TOLD HEY LADY HAVE TO COME OFF MEDS FOR 2 WEEKS YOU CAN.T DO IT...

OK GO TO HELL. SOMEONE BE NICE TO ME FOR A WEEK...OK        I AM GONE.        PROBABLY END UP DEAD  SOMEWHERE... 1RST FIANCE ASSHOLE, HIGH ON DRUGS THOUGHT  HEY MAN DOES SKIN BURN IF HELD OVER A LIGHTER??

MY DAMN ARM... OF COURSE.. YAH IT DOES... B F YOU PRICK

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oh YAH GOING TO QUEBEC FOR A TRIP ... A HUNDRED BUCKS ONLY FOR A MONTH... COOL - GRADE 8 SCHOOL TRIP

dAD  - TELL YOU ARE GOING TO CALIFORNIA FOR THE SUMMER..

sTAYED IN THE WHOLE FUCKIN SUMMER SO NO ONE WOULD SEE ME. 

HEY I WAS IN HOLLY WOOD...

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AM,

nah, it's okay. the dnr in my mind was originally the do not resuscitate one as well. but cos my mind was chewing it over for quite a while, and the idea for a 'support-free' zone on the boards came to me, i kind of connected bits of the two to make a 'do not read' thing.

i honestly was not trying to be obtuse or clever. cos attempts by me to appear clever in the past have usually resulted in me looking like a bit of a tit.

maybe if other people want to post on the thread that's cool. i might still too. but if it does get too dodgy re: triggering people then i accept that it will have to be yanked. i don't want to kill anyone. i just need to be able to write when i am at my worst in a depression and don't want people getting upset over it. so i thought a 'read only if you want to cos what's written here is just for my own therapy of sorts' thread might be an idea.

time will tell i guess.

grouse.

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