i have hated my dad for as long as i can remember. i hate him for many reasons. he has been verbally abusive towards me for my entire life, in the past he has denied that i have any mental illnesses, but now he does believe in them. however, he thinks i am the reason i have mental illnesses. i feel that i can not speak freely when i am around him. i have begun to have violent thoughts whenever i think about him.
Ok, so life sucks sometimes. It happens. Some days your riding high and others you wonder about your purpose. Recently, I've been going through this phase of wondering just what the hell I'm doing here. What is my purpose?
I used to love my job. I didn't even mind that my boss was a micromanaging, controlling, deceitful, narcissistic dick. Water off a duck's back. Lately, however, it's been getting to me. Seems as though the aforementioned prick has decided my job can be done better. 10 years and I've never made a mistake with the equipment I handle while this a-hole FUBAR's it in some way almost every time and somehow manages to place the blame on others when called out on it.
I get tired of not being told the score, of things changing in the middle, of the deception and lies. I get tired of there being only 1 way (a-hole's) of doing something or having the process made 3 times harder than it needs to be.
I'm at the point of should I stay or should I go now?
I heard about the book "Humanizing the Narcissistic style" By Steven Johnson a few years ago, and I have finally got around to reading it. It is aimed at therapists, but I am finding it useful for myself. It is actually quite rough going, precisely because it is much more "soft" on narcissists than the pop psychology one usually sees splashed all over the internet. By encouraging the patient to get in touch with the archaic needs of the true self, all kinds of defenses are exposed. In particular, one reads that some of the most energetic defenses are not to protect the grandiose false self from reality, but to protect the neediness of the infant "true self" from being accessed and the disappointment and disillusionment of the original empathic failure both in terms of lack of mirroring and not being a good enough figure for idealising.
There is the identification of three types of transference: mirror, twinship and merger transference. The first one is the one most popularly ascribed to narcissism. Following Kohut, Johnson says that the merger idealisation is at the lower end developmentally. This rings true to me, based on my experiences of people who seem very narcissistically diturbed: the "what´s yours is mine" form of thinking is to me the most striking feature of such a person. Johnson describes such individuals as typically more borderline, and notes that in some ways they are more in touch with the true self whose needs keep bursting through, compared to the more defended individual. The latter is what he calls the "narcissistic style". There is hope for everyone in this book. My therapist had not heard of it but i hope there are some out there who have read it.
The discussion of the "symptomatic self" was very useful especially the discussion of psychosomatic symptoms and apathy towards work, which in one place was described as an act of spite by the inner child towards the enforced achievement focus of the grandiose false self. When I read that i found myself getting very angry and indeed hateful towards this inner child, which is a reaction which the author also describes.
The latter chapters contain various case studies which I have not finished reading yet.
The only questionable point seems to be the author´s advocacy of bioenergetics, which seems to involve some quite uncomfortable physical procedures and i am not sure many people would recommend that these days.
When I was 5 and younger my father sexually abused my two older sisters. I was forced to watch as well as get naked on occasion. I can not remember if I was further involved or not. He would do awful things to them. He would hit me and yell at me if I turned away or wanted to go do something else. The harder part of these fragmented memories of the abuse is that I did not try to stop it or say something to mom. I just accepted it, watched it, and obeyed. I feel guilty and responsible. I have not asked for forgiveness because I do not really know how to approach the question. I have fear around the whole thing, I remember my dad yelling at me and throwing my naked sister around the room, we were both crying. These images sometimes resurface for no reason and they make me feel incredibly disgusting inside as well as extremely guilty.
My father also put my mom through a door and used to abuse her in front of us as well. The other things he would do is try to scare us every moment he could, by creeping up behind us and staring at us until we turned around then would make a loud noise while making a scary face. He did that to us constantly. I remember when we left, I was 5, my father came out to the car and started punching my mom in the face, chest and arm. That scared me too.
Two doctors who have interviewed me say I have experienced trauma, two group therapy counsellors who have both asked me, after speaking of other topics about my dad, if I believe that I have been traumatized by him. I would have to say yes, but I do not really see the impact now. I do have trouble being confident around men, especially alpha male types. Not only do they intentionally attempt to be intimidating they are usually bigger than me. I have not thought to aim that blame at my abusive, bullying, pedofile father. I have always thought my issue with males was the fact I am only 5ft 7inches tall.
One doc said I may be experiencing some PTSD symptoms but not the full gambit. I am looking for advice; should I pursue the diagnosis and if so should I tell my sisters? I fear that it will not be received well by them because I was not the one being actively sexually abused. They had it far worse. I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder as well as ADHD, so my world is already hard and fucked up. Should I go ahead and open up this box of shit also?