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I know that I'm new...I'm having a rough time. It seems that people only really seek out these sorts of things new when they're having a rough time, but there it is.

It's about 4:30 am. I've not been sleeping so well, at all. I keep having nightmares, and can't seem to sit still and stay asleep. my sleep is crap even if I do have it. Sorry about punctuation/capitalization, too...it'll be erratic, I promise, until I can fall asleep.

I used to cut...that's a driving *need* right now, but one I've managed to last out thus far. There's this darkness in my mind/soul that's consuming me. spelling, that'll go, too...I'm feeling to lazy to pick up the pieces of that. I've been off work for a couple of weeks now for holidays...I'll probably go back shortly, just because time off seems to do me more harm than good. My mother out-law was here, recovering from surgery and she's gone now...just in time for me to go back. I feel like I'm draining my poor partner; she's exhausted with me.

I'm like this terrible, rotted piece of flesh that has been swallowed and spit back out again. I have nightmares all the time, I see things even when I'm awake. I don't know what to do with me. I'd like to crawl into my pit and stay there for all eternity.

I think, but can't remember, that I have therapy in a couple of days. She's been on holiday, too...but I don't remember when that ends. *shrug* I don't really know. She wants me to "deal" with things...I'm scared to, becasue it leaves me a big mess. I have this irrational fear (maybe not irrational) that everyone I loved is already dead, smote by the virus. I've become so panic-stricken at the thought of leaving the house taht I rarely do anymore. I'm not entirely sure that all of this is worth it.

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I know that I'm new...I'm having a rough time. It seems that people only really seek out these sorts of things new when they're having a rough time, but there it is.

It's about 4:30 am. I've not been sleeping so well, at all. I keep having nightmares, and can't seem to sit still and stay asleep. my sleep is crap even if I do have it. Sorry about punctuation/capitalization, too...it'll be erratic, I promise, until I can fall asleep.

I used to cut...that's a driving *need* right now, but one I've managed to last out thus far. There's this darkness in my mind/soul that's consuming me. spelling, that'll go, too...I'm feeling to lazy to pick up the pieces of that. I've been off work for a couple of weeks now for holidays...I'll probably go back shortly, just because time off seems to do me more harm than good. My mother out-law was here, recovering from surgery and she's gone now...just in time for me to go back. I feel like I'm draining my poor partner; she's exhausted with me.

I'm like this terrible, rotted piece of flesh that has been swallowed and spit back out again. I have nightmares all the time, I see things even when I'm awake. I don't know what to do with me. I'd like to crawl into my pit and stay there for all eternity.

I think, but can't remember, that I have therapy in a couple of days. She's been on holiday, too...but I don't remember when that ends. *shrug* I don't really know. She wants me to "deal" with things...I'm scared to, becasue it leaves me a big mess. I have this irrational fear (maybe not irrational) that everyone I loved is already dead, smote by the virus. I've become so panic-stricken at the thought of leaving the house taht I rarely do anymore. I'm not entirely sure that all of this is worth it.

DG -

First of all, stop apologizing.  You are here for the reason that you're supposed to be here.  The fact that you've resisted cutting is a big victory, and you deserve to give yourself credit for that.  You do not deserve to have yourself refer to you as a "terrible rotted piece of flesh".  You may feel that way, but you're not that way.  Be kind to you.

You don't mention whether you're seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) in addition to your therapist.  The fact that your nightmares are also manifesting during your waking time, as well as the anxiety, panic, and agoraphobia, suggest that you would benefit from a meds evaluation.  Even if you're currently on meds, it doesn't sound like they're working, and you may need to try something else.

You don't have to feel like this.  There is help.  Keep talking to us and letting us know how you're doing.

Cerberus

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I know that I'm new...I'm having a rough time. It seems that people only really seek out these sorts of things new when they're having a rough time, but there it is.

It's about 4:30 am. I've not been sleeping so well, at all. I keep having nightmares, and can't seem to sit still and stay asleep. my sleep is crap even if I do have it. Sorry about punctuation/capitalization, too...it'll be erratic, I promise, until I can fall asleep.

I used to cut...that's a driving *need* right now, but one I've managed to last out thus far. There's this darkness in my mind/soul that's consuming me. spelling, that'll go, too...I'm feeling to lazy to pick up the pieces of that. I've been off work for a couple of weeks now for holidays...I'll probably go back shortly, just because time off seems to do me more harm than good. My mother out-law was here, recovering from surgery and she's gone now...just in time for me to go back. I feel like I'm draining my poor partner; she's exhausted with me.

I'm like this terrible, rotted piece of flesh that has been swallowed and spit back out again. I have nightmares all the time, I see things even when I'm awake. I don't know what to do with me. I'd like to crawl into my pit and stay there for all eternity.

I think, but can't remember, that I have therapy in a couple of days. She's been on holiday, too...but I don't remember when that ends. *shrug* I don't really know. She wants me to "deal" with things...I'm scared to, becasue it leaves me a big mess. I have this irrational fear (maybe not irrational) that everyone I loved is already dead, smote by the virus. I've become so panic-stricken at the thought of leaving the house taht I rarely do anymore. I'm not entirely sure that all of this is worth it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi, welcome to CB, let me assure you, your words resonate with a majority of us. We have all articulated similiar states of being in the shitter. This is a wonderful home to tell your truth and not be judged. We have an awesome team of admins and mods who will gently let you know if you're posting anything that is, in my words, not in the best interest of the community, e.g., let's all drink cyanide koolaid! Or if you are abusive toward a fellow board member. But as regards spilling your guts, spill away, you're in a safe place.

Best,

Suze

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DG,

I can only second (or third?) what has already been said.

I'm glad you found the boards and had the will to post. The boards have been more supportive and helpful to me than I ever could have imagined. Read other threads. Get to know people who have problems that seem to resonate with you. I think you'll find this a very good place to be.

Take care

Steve

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