stupid decisions, benzos, and me

[wasps]

about 2 days ago I took 5 benzos all in one day. Lorazepam/Ativan, to be exact. I'm not entirely sure why. 

so as for the whole story, I took 2 during school on Wednesday. I was fine. just a bit woozy. I was at school for a long period of time and felt like shit. very anxious. naturally, I took them. 

I get home. get in a call with a friend. play video games. end up taking 3 more. i black out. wake up confused as hell. call friend. ask what happened and i'm crying because i'm so scared. she tells me nothing bad happened, she just told me to lie down on my laptop. I have no recollection of doing this. I remember hallucinating and seeing light trails but thats it. 

so in summary, I took 5mg of Lorazepam total, hallucinated, blacked out, don't remember very much. 

2 days later and I'm still feeling foggy. unreal. I cried last night over the phone with my friend again bc I felt so horrible. 

keep in mind that I stopped taking two of my meds recently (Wellbutrin and Cipralex). I was supposed to slowly taper off the Cipralex but ended up not doing that because I ran out and felt I would be fine only taking my main medicine, Fluoxetine 

So at this point I'm not sure if I fucked up my brain by taking high amounts of benzos or if it's just cipralex withdrawal. any comments? similar experiences? advice? I'm seriously worried at this point. 

[melissaw72]

First thought, I'd suggest getting in touch with your pdoc about taking the 5 benzos.  Was there a reason for taking the 3 when you were home?  You already had had 2 in school.  Did something happen to take the 3?

I find that taking 2 ativan also makes me feel groggy for 2-3 days after I take it.  What I do for that is stay inside to make sure nothing happens to me. Also, it has a side effect for me of sleep-eating, sleep (doing things) ... and I don't remember anything of what I did.  (fwiw Same side effect with ambien for me).  The only way I find out that I was doing something is that I have food wrappers laying around that I have no memory of eating anything.  On time I found mail in my refrigerator.

Why did you stop taking wellbutrion and cipralex?  I think asking pdoc would be the best person to ask about your brain.  Personally I have also done the same with benzos, and I really have no idea whether it affected my brain or not.  Except:  I mean at first it did effect my brain for me, but that was the grogginess and the clouded mind.  After a week or so my brain was back to usual (not groggy and no clouded mind anymore). 

But like I said, I would ask your pdoc about it, and tell him/her about going off some of your meds.

Also, this does not make you a bad person.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Edited March 25, 2016 by melissaw72

[wasps]

I don't think there really was a reason. I just did it. perhaps as an experiment, but I'm not entirely sure. my memory as of late has been a fog. 

at least I'm not alone in the whole blacking-out-on-ativan thing. seriously, I thought that was some seriously bad side effect and that my brain was damaged. I'm awfully paranoid. at least it's good to know that my brain will go back to normal and I'll be able to function fine again... i've been a mess as of late.

also I went off my meds as of her request, don't worry! I stopped taking Cipralex and Wellbutrin because 1) the cipralex wasn't helping, so we switched to fluoxetine and 2) the wellbutrin made things worse. don't worry, I didn't stop using them at my own leisure. I don't trust myself enough!

thank you.

[melissaw72]

7 hours ago, wasps said:

I don't think there really was a reason. I just did it. perhaps as an experiment, but I'm not entirely sure. my memory as of late has been a fog. 

at least I'm not alone in the whole blacking-out-on-ativan thing. seriously, I thought that was some seriously bad side effect and that my brain was damaged. I'm awfully paranoid. at least it's good to know that my brain will go back to normal and I'll be able to function fine again... i've been a mess as of late.

also I went off my meds as of her request, don't worry! I stopped taking Cipralex and Wellbutrin because 1) the cipralex wasn't helping, so we switched to fluoxetine and 2) the wellbutrin made things worse. don't worry, I didn't stop using them at my own leisure. I don't trust myself enough!

thank you.

Glad to hear you were supervised about your meds!

One thing i thought of (when I OD'd ... different benzo, different amount), looking back I felt like I needed help and it felt like no one was listening.  I felt alone and really out of sorts.  Didn't know if this is similar to how you feel?

[wasps]

I can definitely relate to that feeling. I've been really down lately so maybe I was just trying to escape or something. I'm just thankful I didn't OD at the time, yeesh.

[melissaw72]

I'm sorry you are feeling down lately ... please don't OD ever!  Been there, done that, and I can't believe I actually thought about doing it.  I hope you can get some help to bring you out o feeling down.  Do you have a tdoc?

[Sloane]

Being med compliant isn't just about making your doctor happy. Playing with your medications and/or dosages can be harmful. Overdosing on Benzodiazepines (which then causes a withdrawal effect) on top of recently stopping Wellbutrin (which lowers your seizure threshold) is a dangerous gamble in itself. 

If you are having problems with your memory, having blackouts, and overdosing on accident....those are signs your medications are not where they need to be and/or your illness is not being treated properly. Even if you are no longer having after-affects of the overdose, please contact your doctor to discuss this.