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Does anyone else consider suicide inevitable? I wouldn't say I'm suicidal right now because my medications are working and I'm feeling good. But suicide has always been my backup plan. When I am having a bad day I always comfort myself my thinking I have the option to kill myself. Thinking of suicide is comforting to me, like I'll never have to hit rock bottom because I could kill myself before then. I can't see myself living to an old age, I think someday I will kill myself, just not now because things are good. .... I feel like I can't fully enjoy this time because I am expecting things to get bad again. I'm expecting my antidepressants to stop working again. I just have this feeling that I know things are going to get bad again. ... and also the fact that I'm thinking this, is it a sign that my antidepressant is beginning to not work? I'm always so scared my antidepressant will stop working again. I don't want to talk to my therapist about this because I don't want him to be alarmed when I'm not currently suicidal. 

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I can completely relate and even had this conversation with my therapist recently (within last 3 months). Like you I feel better now but I still often think it is inevitable. It is a coping mechanism that on the one hand works but on the other isn't very healthy. Having said that it has worked for over 30 years (I'm still here) but it hasn't allowed me to move forward in the way that I would like.

 

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Suicide never is an option for me.  It isn't inevitable for me either and is not a back up plan.

Why are you expecting things to get bad again?  Did something happen to cause you to think that?

Why do you think your antidepressants will stop working?  Maybe you'd just need a med tweak.  Sometimes if you feel the meds aren't working, it might mean you need a med adjustment, not that they aren't working.

I think talking about what you said in this post to your therapist (tdoc) is a good idea.  I think being honest with your tdoc would be the best way to go.

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yeh i feel like this, even though currently i dont want to die, i cant see myself here in 2 years, i dont want to think like that but i just do

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Talking with your therapist about this would definitely be helpful.  He/She is very likely accustomed to hearing about their patients' desire to commit suicide.  Even though I would likely never kill myself (I made a promise to my husband and son), it still lingers in the back of my mind as an escape hatch.  But I feel safer, somehow, knowing I've made that promise.  I've been to that low, hellish point you refer to.  My best advice is to have a plan for if things get bad.  Like call pdoc, try other meds, mindfulness and/or meditation, increased time with tdoc. etc.  Its much better to have a survival plan.

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I've, like many other here, have been to that place you are referring to. It's never easy to overcome but it is possible to overcome and steer clear of that cliff if you have the proper resources in place for when things begin to go down that slippery path. Knowing yourself and how your mind works is vital, in my experience, as well as the ability to know when you're in denial of just how bad things really are. I always fool myself into believing that all is good when, in reality, I'm perpetually hanging off of that ledge, ready to drop at any second. 



 

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I know what you mean. I reached a point in my life where I thought suicide would be an eventuality. This happened years ago when Effexor, the only antidepressant that had ever worked for me (for longer than a few months), stopped working.

This is all after I realized that I am fairly treatment-resistant and that meds can stop working - pulling the rug from under my feet.

On top of that, I have a really hard time stopping medications (I'm very sensitive to withdrawals). I figured that the medication merry-go-round would be too much to for me to handle. That's when I started thinking of suicide as my "plan B". 

I can't see myself living to be old, either - especially right now, as I'm in a pretty bad place. But I've actually survived longer than I thought I would, although much of that time has been agonizing. Is it worth the pain? I don't know, but I'm holding out hope that some form of treatment will work again. I do talk therapy but that doesn't seem to help.

If you're worried about your meds not working anymore, think about your symptoms. Are they really coming back or are you just really scared that they're going to come back? I'm the type to freak myself out over things like this, so I usually can't make these decisions on my own. Also, when meds stop working for me, they usually stop working very slowly, so I can't usually tell when it's happening. I wouldn't worry about it though. Just try to be rational/ objective and monitor your symptoms. I think it helps to keep a mood chart or just make notes on a daily basis. 

 

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