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Stopped all meds, ended all therapy.

Interestingly enough, my last therapy session was the most affective. Out of all the times I saw my Therapist and Psychiatrist, reality never hit so hard.

My main mood for the past few months is flat. (Even though I'm usually flat, I usually have Major Depressive episodes frequently as well, in which i haven't had one in a few months.) Being flat is probably why my thinking has been so emotionally invisible. Nothing I do or think puts emotion or feeling into what I do or say. So the decision of me stopping meds and therapy was more done sub-consciously (or even robotically) rather than an emotional or even a personal act. (Almost like I wasn't there.)

My Therapist gave me suggestions of what was happening (considering she had no clue herself). Her most affective suggestion was that I was ending everything for closure. I was almost shocked when I heard this, not because of the fact that she actually said it, but the fact that it was probably true. It just makes so much sense. During my few month decision (note that stopping everything was not a sudden act) I also figured out that I didn't want to pursue school.  Also, I stopped talking to my friends two months prior my last Therapy visit, when I decided to stop meds (even though I didn't notice I decided to stop both at the same time). My Therapist then decided to continue my adrenaline to tell me that I was at the highest point of a suicide risk. Although I know that, I always knew that, it seemed to sink in deeper because of the fact that it seemed as I was already planning it.

Is it possible to be suicidal and not feel it? Being so emotionally absent that you plan for something like this and not even realize it? All my impulses of jumping out of a moving car, jumping off the balcony, cutting my fingers off, overdosing on sleeping pills during a psychotic episode (unconsciously doing so), (in which although I didn't enjoy living, I never wanted to kill myself either) could it all be related to the fact that I indeed would like to sub-consciously kill myself?

I feel non-existent. I came to the conclusion that nothing exists, including myself. It's not a depressing thought, it actually personally makes sense. Do you guys remember your first Anti-Psychotic? Do you remember how you felt? How you felt like a zombie and your thoughts were cloudy? Like you weren't really there? Like you were a walking dream? Well that

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Hi Twitch

Im really sorry you are feeling so bad at the minute

It sounds like you are having a terrible time with negative symptoms and anhedonia, you are right, there is nothing really positive or complimentary I or anyone else can say to you in such a state.

Its really scary for me to read what you are going through as a friend had exactly the same symptoms and ended up taking her life by jumping off a train. She wasnt depressed or psychotic, she just had no emotional feelings whatsoever and couldnt bear to be in that state. Neither medication nor therapy offered any salve to her.

I can only sincerely hope things improve for you  ;)

Keep us posted

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Please do keep us posted.

I think its a good sign that you are reaching out to us and expressing yourself.  Sometimes that's all one can do...always better than keeping it bottled up inside.

How long have you been off the medications?  I'm wondering if the flat affect could be a discontinuation symptom? 

Hang in there.  There are people that understand you here...

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I am concerned by what you're saying, it makes a lot of sense, but times when I have felt like this have been the most dangerous ones. To be very upset and tormented seems like the worst time, but for me the worst times were when I had disconnected from everything and didn't care at all.

Ultimately I don't see how stopping meds/therapy/socialising can help you in any way. I know this probably won't provoke a massive reaction in you anyway, but I do think that you need to stop wondering why you stopped everything and consider whether it is worth starting any of them again. That is a lot of medication to suddenly stop (did you titrate down from the dose to nothing gradually?) I have suffered from, and do suffer from, psychosis, so I have experienced some of what you have, but cannot imagine being up against so much.

Please do keep posting, you're precious because you're a person, and we do care and want to help you any way we can. You're not a lost cause.

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Thank you everybody for your thoughts. My thought process and flat affect hasn't staggered, but I can't say that I'm even diminutively worried. To answer your questions, I have been off my medications for about two to three months. I didn

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Did you just stop 50mgs of Paxil straight cold turkey? I couldnt do that..... I couldnt even quit 5 mgs cold turkey.... Did you notice any after effects of quitting abilify? Because I have just done that

Negative symptoms are a bastard, you have all my sympathies....

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What do you want to happen for the future (I won't say your future because I imagine thats not how you're thinking right now.) I mean this 'you' is waking up each morning, and will likely do so for a long time, what is your reponse to that?

I would be really interested to find out what you were working on in therapy right before you quit, maybe that was too painful and you felt that to protect yourself somehow? You may not have felt desperate and panicked, you may just have shut down, like turning down the lights, and decided not to continue?

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