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Corrupt-A-Wish

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Granted. You don't sneeze anymore, but when you encounter an allergen all the built up pressure from not sneezing makes your eyes pop out of your head and bounce up and down like slinkies.

I wish I knew how to figure skate.

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Posted (edited)

Granted. You can figure skate like a champion, but unfortunately, your skates are demonically cursed: The skates refuse to stop spiraling and you cannot take them off. You are sent in never ending spins and viscous spirals and die from vertigo and exhaustion (much like the Red Shoes fairy tale)

I wish I had the inner peace, serenity and non-attachment of a Monk.

Edited by Blahblah

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Granted! You join an order of Stylite monks. Your mental health takes a turn for the better, but it turns out that you have vertigo. 

I wish that my dog would stop eating Kleenex.

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Granted! However, without the canine predators, all the Kleenex in the world propagates, resulting in an enormous mutant Kleenexosaurus spreading a highly contagious mucus disease everywhere that kills humans.

I wish I could predict the future and then plan my life accordingly.

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Granted! But with this comes the unforeseen ability to fart rainbows uncontrollably, even in public, and it's very embarrassing and you do noooooooot want people to know that you can do this!

I wish I didn't have such a bad tremor and had better manual dexterity.

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Granted! Your hands stop shaking. Unfortunately this leaves you unable to stir your food. Your manual dexterity is now exquisite. So much so that your hands have become snooty and refuse to accept mundane tasks. They nag you all the time because they want to learn how to repair automatic wristwatches.

I wish I could sleep.

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Gently granted. When you wake, it will be the wear 17,004, and the human race will have evolved into nearly unrecognizable beings, tall, weak and unable to communicate with you. At night, the Mutoes come out from underground and you discover that, once again, you can’t sleep.

 I wish I knew how to fly a helicopter.

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Granted! But you have forgotten how to drive a car, or ride a bicycle. Strangely, you are also highly proficient at using a skateboard, but the roads near your home are all gravel, so it boots you nothing. 

I wish I knew what’s wrong with my ring finger.

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Granted.  Your ring finger, while still attached to you, is now a separate entity with the ability to tell you its hopes, fears, thoughts and feelings, all of which it shares with you on an hourly basis throughout the day.

I wish I could tell my colleague just how much he irritates me.

 

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Granted! You tell him. There are no professional repercussions, because you delivered your feelings in the form of a beautifully composed sonnet. Beauty is recognized as truth. 

But now that people know you have the power to speak the truth so persuasively, you’re hounded night and day by every idiot who can’t figure out how to propose to his girlfriend, ask for a raise, talk to their kids about sex, or tell their parents they don’t want to go to college. They all want you to do it for them.

I wish my white clothes would stay clean.

 

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Granted. You treat them with an experimental compound that causes them to violently repel all molecules not attached to them within one hour of contact. Then you go out, and an hour later, all your clothes suddenly violently fly off of you in public.

I wish I did not loathe exercise.

Edited by Cerberus

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Haven’t we been over this, St. Vitus?

Granted! You are now so hyperactive that you’re forced to build yourself a man-sized hamster wheel. You can barely be compelled to leave it. Eating and sleeping become irritating chores. You require intravenous fluids. Don’t get me started on the chamber pot.

I wish that I could read faster.

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3 hours ago, Gearhead said:

Haven’t we been over this, St. Vitus?

Granted! You are now so hyperactive that you’re forced to build yourself a man-sized hamster wheel. You can barely be compelled to leave it. Eating and sleeping become irritating chores. You require intravenous fluids. Don’t get me started on the chamber pot.

I wish that I could read faster.

Granted. You now complete war and peace in 3 minutes 23 seconds and your book budget consumes all your free cash.

 

I wish that this smoke from the fires would subside 

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Granted. A powerful tornadic vortex of wind swoops down and sucks all the smoke away, sending it to God knows where. Along with your house.

I wish my face was more symmetrical.

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6 hours ago, DogMan said:

Granted. You now complete war and peace in 3 minutes 23 seconds and your book budget consumes all your free cash. 

(This is already true.)

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Granted. However your symmetric face makes your freckles stand out so much so you wear a ski mask. 

I wish this 2300 piece kitted order would go away.

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Granted, but since I have no idea what a kitted order is, I'm just going to make everything within a hundred meter radius of you go away. 

I wish I could see in the dark.

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Granted, but there are monsters there that you previously haven't been able to see. 

I wish I could get this chapter done.

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I do not feel like corrupting this wish. I feel like granting it with no strings attached. So there.

I wish I could fix the light in my kitchen without having to call in an electrician. 

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granted. you call in a genie instead. he fixes your light on your first wish. on your second wish, he grants you the knowledge of an electrician, so you can fix all future light failures. on your third wish, he double-crosses you and turns you into an electric object yourself. it's not so bad, but plugging yourself in at night gets rather boring as you sit there, awake, waiting to recharge.

i wish my office was warmer.

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