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Corrupt-A-Wish

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granted! you now have six legs that allow you to run as fast as a car. your shoe expense triples, and pants are out of the question, as they no longer fit your unique shape. you are doomed to wear large, flowing skirts that get in the way of your speedy legs, or finding a very good tailor.

i wish i could stop picking at my cuticles. 

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Granted, but now you compulsively pick your nose whenever you are in public.

I wish I could read people easier. 

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Granted! You now have a peculiar form of Synesthesia that causes you to see print all over people, as if they’re newspapers. You’re forced to know everything about everyone. No one can keep secrets from you. You always know what you’re getting for your birthday before you open your presents. You even perceive little white lies, so all efforts at tact are lost on you. Other people’s fears and anxieties are almost as horrible as your own.

I wish these headaches would stop.

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Granted. But all the pain in your head mysteriously transfers to your right big toe, which swells to five times its size and ruins all your right shoes. Even the sandals.

I wish I were more physically flexible.

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Granted. You are now an eel.

I wish this ringing in my ears would stop.

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Granted! But now you have time tick-tick-tickin’ in your head now. Nonstop. 

I wish I could keep my houseplants more alive. 

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Granted.  But now they are so alive that they start talking to you and demanding to be fed.  "Feed me... feeeeed meeeee".  Your home turns into a version of Little Shop of Horrors.

 

I wish my cats could clean the house and have supper ready for me when I get home.

 

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granted! the cats have meticulously licked all the hair and dirt off your carpets, and wiggled their furry bodies around your objects like a living feather duster. dinner is on the table, and it's several large grasshoppers and a songbird captured from the backyard, with a little butter on the side, of course. what? you don't like your meal?

i wish the cat at my office would come and sit on my lap.

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Granted! The cat sits on your lap. The cat loves your lap. Your lap is now the One True Lap. No other lap will do.

What none of us knew until now is that there’s a cat version of Angie’s List. The cat has logged on and given you a glowing review.

Pretty soon, you start getting phone calls and emails from other cats. They want to know when you’re free to come to their homes so they can sit in your lap. Helicopter parents begin aggressively harassing you about their kittens’ birthday parties.

Eventually you have to get plastic surgery to change your features, leave your job, change your phone number, and move house to get away from all the cats. And you get a dog. Two dogs. You never go anywhere without a dog.

I wish this nausea would go away.

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No takers on the nausea?...phrasing it like that, it makes sense. Fine. I’ll sit here and be queasy.

I wish the alarming-looking reaction to a skin care product currently disfiguring my chin would heal.

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Granted. Not only does it heal, the skin product ends up working so well that it makes you reverse age. Within a few minutes, you have the appearance of a three year old.

i wish all the dishes in my kitchen would clean themselves 

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granted. your dishes give themselves a good scrubbing, drying themselves tidily and piling into to nice stacks on your counter. unfortunately, they found the process of washing as arduous as you do. they've refused to allow themselves to get that filthy ever again. over an exhausting series of mediated discussions, they have finally consented to allowing dry crumbs that can be swept off easily. hooray! now you can eat your dry toast on a plate, and your dry cereal in a bowl. your next goal is an undressed salad, but they seem wary about green spinach marks and tomato drippings.

i wish i would stop having dreams about being in high school.

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3 minutes ago, echolocation said:

granted. your dishes give themselves a good scrubbing, drying themselves tidily and piling into to nice stacks on your counter. unfortunately, they found the process of washing as arduous as you do. they've refused to allow themselves to get that filthy ever again. over an exhausting series of mediated discussions, they have finally consented to allowing dry crumbs that can be swept off easily. hooray! now you can eat your dry toast on a plate, and your dry cereal in a bowl. your next goal is an undressed salad, but they seem wary about green spinach marks and tomato drippings.

i wish i would stop having dreams about being in high school.

I just want to say that you are very talented at this game, echo. Carry on.

Your wish is granted. They are no longer dreams, but reality. You are perpetually in high school from now on, with seven straight periods of the class you hated most. And the cafeteria always serves fish sticks and lumpy mashed potatoes. Every. Single. Day.

I wish that every little thing didn’t make me tear up.

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On 1/21/2020 at 3:54 PM, echolocation said:

granted! you now have six legs that allow you to run as fast as a car. your shoe expense triples, and pants are out of the question, as they no longer fit your unique shape. you are doomed to wear large, flowing skirts that get in the way of your speedy legs, or finding a very good tailor.

i wish i could stop picking at my cuticles. 

Granted!  I want to become a human centipede and run some races.  That'd be sick.  Think of the shoe sponsorships.

I could wear all my favourite shoes- at once!

I'd be running in my flowing skirt past some Kenyans.

But my landlord wants to increase my rent due to my freakish size now

I wish I could get a better night's sleep.

Edited by wookie
I need more sleep

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