Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

the first time i tried stalking

i was trying to do the right thing

i knew what i was doing might not be the right thing

i knew what i was doing could very well just be a really bad thing

but i didn't know what to do so i tried it anyway

i tried it anyway and it didn't turn out good at all

and now i feel really horrible over it and i can't stop crying

and i hate that it seems like even when i really am trying my best i still can't do anything right

i don't understand why

everything i try to do turns out wrong

Edited by Yuyu

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, Yuyu said:

the first time i tried stalking

i was trying to do the right thing

i knew what i was doing might not be the right thing

i knew what i was doing could very well just be a really bad thing

but i didn't know what to do so i tried it anyway

i tried it anyway and it didn't turn out good at all

and now i feel really horrible over it and i can't stop crying

and i hate that it seems like even when i really am trying my best i still can't do anything right

i don't understand why

everything i try to do turns out wrong

You thought stalking would be the right thing to do?  

There are black /white statements here. You don't need to be so hard on yourself

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, confused said:

You thought stalking would be the right thing to do?

i thought it might

i wasn't sure

i wasn't sure and i was really upset and scared and felt like i had to do something so i tried it

and that's what this is really all about

that's what this really all comes down to

this isn't about love or intimacy or any of that and it never has been, because when i find people i can actually rely on i just find reasons to push them away and ultimately cut them out

this is about guilt

this is about me trying to do something helpful for someone so i can feel like for once my entire life wasn't a fucking mistake

this is about convincing myself i was actually good for someone

that i haven't just always done everything wrong

but that's not true

i have just done everything wrong

even when i tried my best to do the right thing it still turned out all wrong

both times

the other feelings involved here are incidental, they may have influence but they're not the main point

the main point is guilt

the main point with me is always guilt

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Yu Yu. I wasn't trying to interrogate, just was having trouble understanding.

your life isn't a mistake, this just might not be a person you are able to help.

as far as guilt, I am sure many of us have felt excessive guilt or shame. That is one thing therapy can help with.

i don't have any other ideas for you as far as options

Honestly, I think you could try reframing the situation. Leaving or giving a contact number isn't something to feel guilty about. Stalking is not a good idea (you tried and learned that). You are not a bad person. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Yuyu said:

Well, I'm more willing to break the law than to break my principles, so legality really isn't an important factor, here, for me.

You mentioned in one of your posts you won't talk about this with your tdoc.  So I am assuming you currently have a tdoc that you see?

Maybe when talking with tdoc you can word things so you can talk about all of this, without giving it away that it is you experiencing this.  Like talk about a hypothetical situation, and try to apply the tdoc's advice as best you can to your situation.  I'm not really for doing this (I think you should be honest), but if it is the only way to talk to your tdoc about all of what you are questioning, then I think it is a step in the right direction.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What Melissa said or talk in vague generalities about dealing with feelings of guilt, thinking in absolutes, worrying excessively about things out of your control.  I am sure there are other topics but that is a start

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Yuyu said:

 That's why I won't even broach the subject of her in therapy, even though sometimes she's the main thing I'd need help with.

So, again, I'm trying to figure out what I should do.

Here is how I understood you are already in therapy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There's also the talking about why you're uncomfortable talking about it approach.  It doesn't always help, but sometimes you gain either more insight into your situation (what your hesitation is in saying it to someone or what you're afraid you might hear in response) or helpful advice. 

Does the therapist have any idea that you had some sort of relationship with this person?  If you're uncomfortable talking about the extremes of what's going on, you could also dial that back and talk about the difficulty handling it or particular challenges with letting go of someone and feeling like that's giving up on them or setting them up to die/get hurt/etc.

Like confused and melissa, I also support the honest disclosure as the strongest way to get help...but I wouldn't want the strongest approach to be the enemy of any approach that could be helpful, if that makes sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Any "help" I get is going to point me down the same path all of you have, though the directions to get to the end might be more convoluted to make it easier for me to do.

That's why I won't accept help.

I see that this is unhealthy, and I see why, and I don't care. She's doing the wrong thing, over and over and over, and the bottom drops out on people when they do that, always, sooner or later.

I'm staying with her. There may never be any reward in it for me, but I'm staying with her.  From the very beginning, I knew she was the only one I had ever met who made sense to me, the only one I had ever met who was about just as fucked up in pretty much all the same ways. And I won't sacrifice her, because, eventually, I got tired of people sacrificing me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Yuyu said:

Any "help" I get is going to point me down the same path all of you have, though the directions to get to the end might be more convoluted to make it easier for me to do.

That's why I won't accept help.

I see that this is unhealthy, and I see why, and I don't care. She's doing the wrong thing, over and over and over, and the bottom drops out on people when they do that, always, sooner or later.

I'm staying with her. There may never be any reward in it for me, but I'm staying with her.  From the very beginning, I knew she was the only one I had ever met who made sense to me, the only one I had ever met who was about just as fucked up in pretty much all the same ways. And I won't sacrifice her, because, eventually, I got tired of people sacrificing me.

(in bold #1)  What is the same path we all have?  Just wondering.

(in bold #2)  Don't you have a tdoc?  You said earlier on in your posts that you did.  That is help.  I encourage you you to seek it/continue with it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

(in bold #1)  What is the same path we all have?  Just wondering.

(in bold #2)  Don't you have a tdoc?  You said earlier on in your posts that you did.  That is help.  I encourage you you to seek it/continue with it.

"Leave her"

"Move on"

"Let go"

I'm not pulling that this time. I said I'm staying, so I'm staying.

I may be the absolute worst person and the least qualified to do that, and if that's the case then she can decide that for herself and stop coming back. She wouldn't be mistaken. i think she knows as well as I do that, of the two of us, I am worse.

If she does stop coming back, I'll still wait for her. I'll spend the rest of my life alone, if need be. That was already the path I was headed down, and it doesn't really sound so bad anymore.

At one point in my life, I felt like I needed to find someone who would forgive me before the end. Instead, I found someone who convinced me that the end, in itself, would be a sin for which I could not be forgiven. So I'm done looking for redemption, I'm done looking for forgiveness, I'm done looking for salvation, and I'm done looking for love. If none of those things come to me, it's either because I don't deserve them or because they don't exist at all, and, either way, I'm prepared to accept that.

The one thing i won't do is let go of my pain just to make it easier to get through the day-to-day. The one thing I won't do is risk killing my feeling just so I can pretend things are alright, or better, or whatever the fuck. Take one look at the news and it's obvious this world isn't fucking "alright".

And forgetting that? Closing your eyes to that? Turning up the lights until they're so bright they blind you, and you can no longer see how deeply wrong everything is? That's wrong. That's the most wrong anyone can ever be, not just morally, but also factually. It's not exactly a secret in academic circles that depressed people are less gullible and have more accurate judgment in general.

So I'm not doing that, There are a lot of things I'll do, but that is not one of them. There are a lot of things I'll accept treatment for, but my guilt is not one of them.

It's the only damn thing keeping me tethered.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are going to wait for her? Okay. 

(How is that different than letting her contact you?)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, confused said:

You are going to wait for her? Okay. 

(How is that different than letting her contact you?)

It's not.

But I've thought it over and it seems like the only reasonable option I have.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So what can we do to help or support you, then?

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Wooster said:

So what can we do to help or support you, then?

You still want to support me after all of this?

Lol. That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm sort of blatantly refusing your advice and turning my nose up and everything...

That's enough for now, then, I think. Just offering to help, even with how difficult I'm being, means a lot.

If I can think of something more, or more specific, I'll be sure to let you know, but nothing is coming to mind right now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes things don't necessarily make sense. And we do them anyway. I believe that you are making the decisions that you know how to make right now, and when things change, those decisions may or may not continue to be the same. Nobody can make you do something if you're not interested or willing.

If you think of anything that we can do to be helpful now or in the future, please let us know.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Wooster said:

Sometimes things don't necessarily make sense. And we do them anyway. I believe that you are making the decisions that you know how to make right now, and when things change, those decisions may or may not continue to be the same. Nobody can make you do something if you're not interested or willing.

If you think of anything that we can do to be helpful now or in the future, please let us know.

Thank you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Somewhat similarly, one of the benefits of being on a site with a relatively diverse set of people is that even if one person or many people may not be comfortable at any given point with helping out or listening or whatever (I'm not meaning with respect to you, I'm meaning with respect to any of us), there's frequently others who are.  I may not have the right words to say or experience to be helpful or supportive, for example, but that doesn't mean that someone else wouldn't.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I've cried literally every day since the Friday a couple days after I was admitted to the hospital, in February.

I started crying because I was in the hospital and afraid I would get out and she would be upset and distant... and then I got out, and she was distant, but insisted she wasn't upset.

And I've just been in a constant state of tearfulness and panic since then, and honestly I barely remember most of it. Most of my memories since January are sort of a blur, even. I spent most of the time we were talking in a constant state of extremely high stress, constantly worried whether she was okay, whether anything was wrong.

And then it's like, the moment I started to feel like maybe I could let my guard down a little bit, the bottom dropped out.

I wonder if that's why the bottom dropped out. Because I started to feel like I could trust her, and I opened up a little more, and she wasn't prepared to deal with it.

...

ETA: I don't believe her. I'll never believe her. She was definitely upset. There's no way she could treat me that horribly if she wasn't upset.

ETA2: No. I'm definitely lying about her death freeing me. I'm sure I'd wait for her even if she died. Even if I knew she had died.

Edited by Yuyu

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You sound miserable.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, and I'll risk it anyway.

Honestly, it sounds like time to take care of yourself first. Get healthy.

Have you ever flown on a plane? You know how they say to put your own oxygen mask on first before you help someone else with theirs? Sounds corny, and also true.

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...