I'm a stalker.

[crtclms]

Thanks for the announcement. Now when are you going to seek help for your severely disordered and disorganized thinking? I can only assume you post here because you think you are mentally ill. And we are a pro-treatment site.

 

[Lexie]

Severely?

Wait, it's actually that bad?

Huh. I can't tell at all. Which I guess is normal, but sort of funny to realise.

Not that it's brand new, mind, but yeah let's stop talking at length about nothing.

I have haloperidol as a PRN in case something awful happens, and it'd probably treat this symptom (?), but honestly I've been trying to get in to see a pdoc for a good while and I'm having no luck there. Any recommendations?

[Lexie]

21 minutes ago, crtclms said:

Thanks for the announcement. Now when are you going to seek help for your severely disordered and disorganized thinking? I can only assume you post here because you think you are mentally ill. And we are a pro-treatment site.

(I'm quoting you hoping you'll receive a notification, maybe a quicker response, sorry if you're busy. :x)

Okay, a couple questions. First, you're really sure my thinking is disorganised/disordered, right? Like, very apparently so? Because no one outside of this thread has mentioned it and I can't tell at all, so I'm really not sure if I can believe it... but, obviously, I'm not going to trust my own judgment here, either.

Second, again, any recommendations on receiving treatment? The only place I've actually been linked up with locally seems to have a really long wait to actually get in to see a psychiatrist, and when I found out the nearest appointment I could make would be in July (no, really) I sort of gave up on them. I've been looking a bit since, but most other services here either don't accept my insurance, don't accept any insurance, or have a similarly long waiting period. Exactly how severe is this and how urgent should it be considered? Bearing in mind I'm too much of a coward to actually kill anyone, self included, if the past few weeks are any indication.

Apologies if you're not actually equipped to answer these questions, but yeah. Trying to get a response ASAP, since I can't tell and have no idea how urgent this is. (I'd ask chat but I got banned from a fairly long while back and I'm not supposed to "ban evade", so...)

[Lexie]

By the way, I'd like to apologise, for, like...

Um, literally this entire thread.

Sorry.

[Wooster]

July will be here relatively soon. You can also ask to be put on a cancellation list so that when someone cancels their appointment you might get offered it.

in addition, I would seriously urge you to consider finding and keeping a therapist that you can work with long enough to build up a good relationship and get down to whatever betrayals and pain is underneath the urge to push people away so much they killing someone who gets close to you.

You don't have to agree with everything therapist says. And it seems kind of unlikely that this issue will be solved solely by medication.

[Lexie]

8 hours ago, Wooster said:

July will be here relatively soon. You can also ask to be put on a cancellation list so that when someone cancels their appointment you might get offered it.

in addition, I would seriously urge you to consider finding and keeping a therapist that you can work with long enough to build up a good relationship and get down to whatever betrayals and pain is underneath the urge to push people away so much they killing someone who gets close to you.

You don't have to agree with everything therapist says. And it seems kind of unlikely that this issue will be solved solely by medication.

...

It's probably not even my own property.

It's probably something I'm copying from her.

But no one is trying to help her.

No one cares about her.

ETA: No one cares about her and I am making it worse.

I am absorbing and reflecting everything she is burying and I am making it worse.

I am dedicating myself to her and I am making it worse.

I'm not crazy. There's not a single part of me that has ever been crazy.

I feel too much, and sometimes I feel so much I can't even think straight, but I'm not crazy.

The only thing wrong here is the input, and you're not even paying attention to the input.

If you want to fix this, then you should be listening to her screams. Just like no one ever fucking has. No one except me. And I can't do anything about them.

Fuck you. And fuck me.

Edited May 10, 2016 by Again

[Lexie]

this is going to turn into 2014 all over again

i scream and scream and scream for someone to fucking help her and i just get ignored because I'm """"""crazy"""""" and the next time i see her she has been deeply retraumatised and become even more fucked up

this is great

this is fantastic

you should be ashamed of yourselves

i may be a failure but at least i'm trying to do something

Edited May 10, 2016 by Again

[Wooster]

Sadly, my friend, people have to help themselves.

You can only control what you do. 

You being healthy is what will help her the most in the long run.

obsession with her is not going to help her. And will ultimately drive her away from you.

Another analogy: in lifeguard training, you learn that if someone grabs on to you while you are trying to save them, you dive down to get them off of you so you can hand then something to be connected to you. If they stay grabbed on to you, they will unintentionally push and hold you down to try to keep themselves from drowning. Then you're both screwed.

[Lexie]

Hahaha. I'm not the lifeguard in that scenario. I'm the one drowning. I'm not so clueless as to not realise that. I'm the one panicking, I'm the one dragging people down with me, I'm the one clinging too tightly for anyone's well-being. I know that very well.

And I think you know very well that the reason I'm willing to be obsessed is because I'm ambivalent about whether I should be here--not because I want to be apart from her, but because I'm afraid I'm hurting her. ...I'm afraid I'm hurting her, so I go ahead and take the risk anyway, trusting that if I screw up enough, she'll be gone, and she'll know better than to come back.

There's a lot that's fucked up about my boundaries, my interactions. It's just the part about killing people that I'm copying from her. Most of the rest of the dysfunction has always been entirely mine.

But you knew that and just didn't think I did, probably.

ETA: There is one thing, though. There is one thing that is true above all others. I listen to her. If she tells me something, I will listen.

I may act like I won't, but I will. I may act like I didn't, but I did. Every time.

ETA2: ...Actually, that's probably one of the things she hates. That's probably something she finds really frustrating.

If she contradicts herself, or acts ""disorganised"", or whatever, I listen to every part and try to integrate it into a coherent message.

She doesn't get to just take things back, lie, etc. She doesn't get to just mislead me. She can try, and I may get confused and struggle, but I'm still listening. I'm still listening to all of it. I'm still taking every word seriously.

Maybe I'm not the quickest study, and maybe I don't always draw the correct conclusions, but I'm listening.

And when you let things slip that you really don't want to get out there, that's the worst kind of person to say them to.

Isn't it?

Edited May 10, 2016 by Again

[Lexie]

calm down

breathe

don't get anxious over nothing again

every time there's a pause in the flow of conversation, you get anxious. there's no need for that. you don't need to think something is wrong every time. there's no need for that.

...but maybe something is wrong. but maybe nothing is. note the feeling as a sign to pay attention, but don't assume it indicates a real threat. it indicates the potential of threat, not the certainty of one.

breathe

[dancesintherain]

54 minutes ago, Again said:

calm down

breathe

don't get anxious over nothing again

every time there's a pause in the flow of conversation, you get anxious. there's no need for that. you don't need to think something is wrong every time. there's no need for that.

...but maybe something is wrong. but maybe nothing is. note the feeling as a sign to pay attention, but don't assume it indicates a real threat. it indicates the potential of threat, not the certainty of one.

breathe

First my apologies for what's below if you are not referencing what's in this thread and are instead commenting on a real life situation (where more info would be helpful).  If so, feel free to ignore and potentially start a new thread of its a new issue.

However, if you're referencing people responding to this thread, I agree with your self talk/thoughts, regardless of how hard it is to believe them.  As a point of reference, this post was well up over 50 posts when I last saw it and I believe closer to 100.  That's a ton.  Many don't go past 10 and some just have a handful because it's a question that a person has where a few people can reply and that ends the discussion.  Or because it's a situation where someone wants advice and a few replies provides options or something they can work with.  Or because there's no great response other than with connecting with a professional in real life or going to the ER (depending on topic).

i don't say that to stop you from posting or to stop people from replying.  I'm only saying it to suggest that it's not a telephone or text conversation.  The idea is people will respond if they or you have something to add to help out or at least attempt it.  At some point the thread ends, and I'm not saying it has to or that someone should close it.  I'm just suggesting you keep the bigger picture in mind.  I've posted things where I'm waiting for a while and at some point I might consider replying to myself to see if anyone just missed it.  But that's usually after a day or two.

an immediate back and forth dialogue that's intended to go on indefinitely really only happens in chat depending on what others there are discussing--and if that's off the table, this isn't necessarily a substitute.

again, not saying this to minimize what you are going through or to suggest that you shouldn't post or hope for people to reply.  I'm just suggesting you need to give it time.  At some point, however, things will keep going in circles.  Regardless of whether it is there now, it's worth remembering that that's a possibility and that your real life therapist has to play a role in this also.

[Lexie]

3 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

First my apologies for what's below if you are not referencing what's in this thread and are instead commenting on a real life situation (where more info would be helpful).  If so, feel free to ignore and potentially start a new thread of its a new issue.

However, if you're referencing people responding to this thread, I agree with your self talk/thoughts, regardless of how hard it is to believe them.  As a point of reference, this post was well up over 50 posts when I last saw it and I believe closer to 100.  That's a ton.  Many don't go past 10 and some just have a handful because it's a question that a person has where a few people can reply and that ends the discussion.  Or because it's a situation where someone wants advice and a few replies provides options or something they can work with.  Or because there's no great response other than with connecting with a professional in real life or going to the ER (depending on topic).

i don't say that to stop you from posting or to stop people from replying.  I'm only saying it to suggest that it's not a telephone or text conversation.  The idea is people will respond if they or you have something to add to help out or at least attempt it.  At some point the thread ends, and I'm not saying it has to or that someone should close it.  I'm just suggesting you keep the bigger picture in mind.  I've posted things where I'm waiting for a while and at some point I might consider replying to myself to see if anyone just missed it.  But that's usually after a day or two.

an immediate back and forth dialogue that's intended to go on indefinitely really only happens in chat depending on what others there are discussing--and if that's off the table, this isn't necessarily a substitute.

again, not saying this to minimize what you are going through or to suggest that you shouldn't post or hope for people to reply.  I'm just suggesting you need to give it time.  At some point, however, things will keep going in circles.  Regardless of whether it is there now, it's worth remembering that that's a possibility and that your real life therapist has to play a role in this also.

it's a general statement, honestly; it applies to both this thread and the rest of my life

i sort of posted it without thinking, i think i'm just hemorrhaging feelings everywhere at this point or whatever, idk 

and yeah i'm pretty sure my threads tend to climb to higher post counts than most because i'm generally really difficult about what advice i'll actually take... lol

but thanks for the response, i guess

...

or well, to be honest

i think i'm sort of shouting everything i can at the top of my lungs, and i'm only semi-aware of doing it, but it is for a reason i'm consciously aware of

this thread is like a signal flare of sorts, really

a lot of what i'm doing right now is like a bunch of signal flares

i don't know what to do but i know i can't stop, i can't go quiet, i can't just wait

not because i'm anxious or distressed or whatever, though i am still a little, but that's fading

but because if i don't, i'll be forgotten, my message won't be heard, or if it's heard it won't be believed

i haven't really been thinking my actions through so well, so i'm not sure if it's terribly appropriate, but that's why

i already know what happens if i go quiet or try to keep everything to myself, and it's silence, silence that feels unending

i'm not going to let silence fall this time, because i'm sure that if silence falls she's going to think i left her again, i forgot or let go

i'm not letting go, i'm holding the fuck on, and if she says not to stalk her i end up finding myself incapable of it, but i still have to speak

by the way, if you're wondering why there seems to be some structure to some of my posting, you're not mistaken, though maybe you didn't see

it's some sort of obsessive-compulsive thing where i feel the need to make a consistent pattern out of the length of each line of text in my post, haha

[Wooster]

The moderating team has decided that this thread has been ongoing long enough and is only about your circumstance personally. Therefore would be best continued in a blog.