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CyrusDarko

WTF is wrong with me?

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I get it I really do, im not normal and I really dont care to be. I cant remember a time in my life that pain wasint a form of medication I used to treat myself. Its been a nightmare when it comes to relationships and ive tried hard i really have. It seems that every time i get something good in my life its inevitable for it to be destroyed and i do mean destroyed. Ive been to doctors ive been in and out patient and everything remains the same. I cant lie to myself even though i lie to everyone eles when i say that im fine when im really not. I think about things that i cant share with anyone eles and i enjoy things that no one eles does and because of that i know they will only see the crazy side of me. I fear having friends because i know hat at some point i cant hold back who is really inside and they will run away just like everyone else has. Is it so bad to enjoy life in a way that others cant? i mean its lonley i know but when im being me im happy and I feel really good about myself but then i hate it because i know it cant stay. Why cant I just have friends who know my mind instead of treating me like a damn rubix cube.

 

 

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Hey, welcome to the forums.

 

I can relate to most of what you have written. I always have a feeling that if I'm happy or something good happens, it would be over very quickly and something bad will happen. Whenever I get too close to anyone, I would destroy the relationship soon afterwards. I can't control my actions, I don't know why I do that and I would realize after everything's over. I don't really share my interests except with few because everyone else would end up telling me that I'm a retard. I believe that I'm not born to be happy and I was just born to suffer. I gave up long time ago..

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Thank you for showing me there is someone out there with the same battles. Thank you truly

 

 

I had another battle with my self today. Most of the time I can tell when something in me is going wrong but it came out of nowhere. I was scared i was really really scared for myself. My body couldint stop moving and it felt like my emotions couldn't figure out what they wanted. I was happy but I wanted to scream and cry. My thoughts made no sense and nothing I could do to calm them down. I was talking in my own head yelling at myself saying "stop please just stop" but my body wouldn't behave. after six hours of this I came back to normal but with a overwhelming feeling of self hatred.  

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Great to hear from you again. I was worried you hurt yourself.

 

I've had a bad week too. I self-harmed badly that I woke up dizzy the next day. I know it's hard to make relationships if one's mentally ill. I was better at relationships before I get messy as I am today. I got used to being independent though so having or not having friends doesn't really concern me that much. Sometimes I'm really contradictory. Like when I wouldn't want to talk to anyone and go full misanthropic mode and sometime I feel like having someone beside me to share stuff with and have a good laugh with. I too have silly thoughts sometimes, it's very overwhelming, annoying and distracting. I breakdown from time to time cause of an error I made. Like one time I remember, I was studying maths and I kept doing the same problem over and over without being solved. I grabbed the book, tor it apart and threw my calculator to the wall and fell to the ground crying haha. Another time when I was going through a dark phase so I decided to play some games. I continuously lost, I was so unsettled that I cried over a game (I rarely cry, I don't even cry when someone I know dies). When I'm feeling bad, my body would start twitching and doing the weirdest stuff. If you're going through a hash time you should call for help. I hope you're feeling well.

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Sorry, doll. But are you reading my mind? I have the exact same thoughts. It's ridiculous but beautifully self deprecative. It's what we deserve right? I met my dream guy and fucked that up n less than a week. I really want to cut...at least it relieves the craziness in my head. The pain feels so fucking good. You are not alone in this crazy world. Sorry I'm no help

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13 hours ago, OrganicFarmBitch said:

Sorry, doll. But are you reading my mind? I have the exact same thoughts. It's ridiculous but beautifully self deprecative. It's what we deserve right? I met my dream guy and fucked that up n less than a week. I really want to cut...at least it relieves the craziness in my head. The pain feels so fucking good. You are not alone in this crazy world. Sorry I'm no help

I don't know if we deserve it or not, didn't think of that before. Yea, I really don't know why I keep messing good relationships either. Good thing that I have very few friends and all of them appreciate me with my illness (or maybe they pity me idk). So I don't have to worry about relationship stuff. Stay safe.

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