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What do you do when you feel so lousy that the days are void of meaning? How do you cope when you're so chronically bored and anxious that you feel the need to claw at your skin because it feels like bugs are eating you alive from the inside? What do you do when you've been suicidal for weeks and can't get help? 

That's the position I'm in right now. I know the answer most would give is to go IP, but I can't. There are a few reasons I can't but my dad is the biggest one. Even if I could go, IP won't even help if I have to come back to this piece of Hell on Earth.

So what do you do when the conventional isn't an option? 

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22 minutes ago, Angeni Mai said:

 Even if I could go, IP won't even help if I have to come back to this piece of Hell on Earth.
 

I would work to change the situation so I wouldn't be living in a "piece of Hell on Earth." In addition, I would call my doctor and keep him/her in the loop as to how I'm doing and get as much from him/her as I possibly could. Also, therapy can help you reframe some of that "Hell" so it doesn't seem so daunting. 

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8 minutes ago, jt07 said:

I would work to change the situation so I wouldn't be living in a "piece of Hell on Earth." In addition, I would call my doctor and keep him/her in the loop as to how I'm doing and get as much from him/her as I possibly could. Also, therapy can help you reframe some of that "Hell" so it doesn't seem so daunting. 

I really don't have any other options but to live here. If I weren't living here, I'd be homeless. 

I'm still searching for a pdoc and my dad has told me that I either have to pay for the cost of the co-pay plus my therapist's travel fee, or I have to stop therapy. That's 4 sessions a month which comes to nearly $300 a month that I would have to pay. I can't do conventional therapy because A) I don't drive due to physical limitations, B) I can't seem to get past this agoraphobia, and C) I only feel comfortable in the car when 1 of a handful of people are driving. I can't handle being left alone at an office either. I panic 

Everything just seems so pointless. 

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26 minutes ago, jt07 said:

Does your dad know how serious depression is?

He just thinks that I'm being lazy when I tell him that my energy has been zapped from my body before I even open my eyes in the morning. When I've told him that I've felt so bad that I just wanted to kill myself, he told me to "go ahead and do it already". 

He doesn't get it. 

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I'm really sorry about that. It's important to have a social support system in place, and if your father doesn't want to help and is actively aggravating the problem then that's really bad. Would he read literature and/or internet information about depression?

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Just now, jt07 said:

I'm really sorry about that. It's important to have a social support system in place, and if your father doesn't want to help and is actively aggravating the problem then that's really bad. Would he read literature and/or internet information about depression?

He won't even listen to what the doctors have to say. He thinks everything he thinks/ says is gold and the truth. My mother is just as bad. 

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Damn, that's tough. I'm sorry, AM. I think you are going to have to work on somehow changing your situation because that sounds not healthy to me. I don't know what you can do, but I'd enlist everyone's help I could. And I'd put it point blank to your father what he would suggest you do.

I hope someone comes along with more ideas, but I know you are hurting and I wish I had some magic words for you.

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I might sound like a bit of a broken record here but have you tried any exercise? I find yoga calms me down and loosens the stress on me after an hour of doing it. I don't do it enough though to be honest. But it's cheap, you can do it in private and there's lots of online sources and books for techniques.

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It sounds really hard. I wish I had a sure fire idea that would work. I would also suggest yoga. There are short and easy youtube videos for just starting that I am using. Beyond that when I need to "escape" a situation that I can't really leave I read a lot. I read everything from history to science fiction to romance novels. When I am very depressed and have a short attention span I read short stories or reread things I have read before.

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20 hours ago, wadjet said:

Beyond that when I need to "escape" a situation that I can't really leave I read a lot. I read everything from history to science fiction to romance novels. When I am very depressed and have a short attention span I read short stories or reread things I have read before.

This is me. I read. And read and read and read. When I feel like I am dissolving away into darkness I fly into bed, pull the covers up around me, turn on my noise machine and read. 

I do think think this was my default behavior as a kid. I read my way thru childhood. Would go to the local library and go down the stacks alphabetically when I had no idea what to read next. It helped me escape from the awfulness of my family. So the same behavior helps me escape the RESULTING earthquake cracks and tremors as a result of the same childhood.

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I agree that escapism is important when you are really down, but escapism can't really hold a candle to changing the situation that is causing the distress. Sometimes changing the situation is hard work and most times it involves stepping out from our comfort zones, but in the long run it is worth it.

On the other hand, if the situation truly cannot be changed, then sometimes we have to change ourselves to meet the situation. That's tough to do and involves reframing a lot of our ideas. But it can work. Either is preferable to escaping ourselves through life.

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I didn't mean to imply that reading is the ONLY solution I have to get out of depression. Surrendering to my depression is something that I do on occasion. It is not a way of life. It is not meds or therapy or even a complete depression distraction. 

 

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3 hours ago, water said:

I didn't mean to imply that reading is the ONLY solution I have to get out of depression. Surrendering to my depression is something that I do on occasion. It is not a way of life. It is not meds or therapy or even a complete depression distraction. 

 

Sorry, water, I wasn't singling anybody out or scolding anyone. I was just giving a different perspective.

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13 minutes ago, jt07 said:

Sorry, water, I wasn't singling anybody out or scolding anyone. I was just giving a different perspective.

Don't be sorry. I am glad you did. It really made me think a bit more about what I was saying. All the way to work and then when I got here I started to add an edit but never really finished.

I realized that my tools have changed over the years, along with my depression.

When I was younger, what helped, the only thing that helped, was just LIVING. Somehow or another, without knowing I was sufferring from depression, I managed to push and push and push myself over my anxiety barriers and over the deep holes of despair, to do and do and do. Sometimes what I choose did not work at all - the job or boyfriend or activity - managed to make my depression worse. But more often than not, it was a distraction.

Now I am at the other end of my life. I have worked for decades. I have made my own family. My depression in some ways is much worse. BUT, on the other hand, my life is better. I have a job a home a partner and a child. I can allow myself to escape at times. If anything, I am tired of fighting.

But if I had been tired of fighting at age 20, I never would have made it this far.  I am not sure what any of this means but...

Take small steps Angeni.  You are in a dreadful position - unable to leave a home where you do not feel safe. 
Make sure your room is safe. Do not let your parents in your room.  Decorate it like a home.
Get out of that house as much as you possibly can even if it is just sitting on the lawn.
Find distractions that you like. I think someone above mentioned hobbies. Something that is fun and easy.

Remember - no matter WHAT your parents say, this is an illness, you did NOT choose to live this way. You need medical care. It will happen. One day at a time.

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