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fighting the fight


peeej

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i haven't done any SI major in two years. it's probably been... two months since anything minor. yeah i got angry and got hasty. (i'm stressed)

i still reel at how much i have to t.h.i.n.k. out alternatives so that i don't do anything.

1. stop (halt movement, thinking - so hard, disengage from a conversation, sensing - hearing, sight)

2. think to myself that i am having the urges

3. remember that i don't have to follow them

4. stop (as in #1)

5. try to figure out what i'm feeling

6. think of what ELSE i can do

7. think of how i do those things (i.e. walk over to other room. sit down. open puter... etc. or walk to basket. pull out project. sit down. do project.. etc.)

8. go through steps of doing those things

9. check to see if urges still there

10. if urges still there, go to step number 1 (repeating until stablized)

i am exhausted.

doing this a lot lately, and i mean, i'm GLAD i'm doing this stuff instead of SI but i also feel the toll of the urges popping up again and again.

i just wanted to share.

pj

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presentjoy,

it's been just over 2 years for me as well.

i still too get the urge in bad times.  sometimes it really frustrates me and i wonder if it will ever go away.  struggling can get so damn exausting, you know?

when i first stopped, i used to carry around a list of SI alternatives in my pocket.  (i wonder what i did with it.)  it really helped for those times when i couldn't make my brain come up with alternatives.

i'm proud of you for lasting this long.

*gives presentjoy a gold star*

best,

penny

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Presentjoy,

That is a wonderful practical list.

It's been right at a year for me, but to my might surprise I found myself staring at my wrist yesterday, pondering.  I don't know why other than I am getting so run down and tired from awful sleep.  But sleep deprevation is my worst enemy in so many ways.

thanks again for the list, and wishing encouragement for you.

a.m.

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i haven't done any SI major in two years. it's probably been... two months since anything minor. yeah i got angry and got hasty. (i'm stressed)

i still reel at how much i have to t.h.i.n.k. out alternatives so that i don't do anything.

1. stop (halt movement, thinking - so hard, disengage from a conversation, sensing - hearing, sight)

2. think to myself that i am having the urges

3. remember that i don't have to follow them

4. stop (as in #1)

5. try to figure out what i'm feeling

6. think of what ELSE i can do

7. think of how i do those things (i.e. walk over to other room. sit down. open puter... etc. or walk to basket. pull out project. sit down. do project.. etc.)

8. go through steps of doing those things

9. check to see if urges still there

10. if urges still there, go to step number 1 (repeating until stablized)

i am exhausted.

doing this a lot lately, and i mean, i'm GLAD i'm doing this stuff instead of SI but i also feel the toll of the urges popping up again and again.

i just wanted to share.

pj

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

first off, congrats on the two years.  that is a great accomplishment.  for me, today is 60 days.... i still have a way to go.  your list makes a great deal of sense and i really thank you for sharing it.  it also.... gives me hope that things like that work.... i have never really believed that many SI alternatives worked for me, but that is probably all because i don't stop and think and attemp to distract myself and/or gain control.  I'm sorry that recently your urges have become more prevelant, though.  i wish you all of the luck and encouragement in the world to keep going and not give in to the the urges.

thank you for sharing.... you, penny, and AM have shown me as living proof that it is possible to gain the upper-hand.... thank you

~*Ophelia*~

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good for you on two years; but i find myself wondering if it's just over a year, not two. i can't remember. maybe that's not important. i don't find for me the marking a calendar and the tracking is particularly helpful or necessary. (but for some it IS so i'm not criticizing)

i don't think that marking the exact day is important, i just remember as the last time cut, it was the day before christmas eve and i had to go to the ER, heh.  (somehow this just made me laugh, which i guess is either a good sign as it's distant enough as to be funny, or a sign that i have a really freaking morbid sense of humor.  or maybe both?)

anyway, i don't remember because i've been counting the days, but because it was right before christmas. 

however, i have promised myself a nice shiney type gift if (ahem, when) i make it to five years since i think that deserves a reward, and, oddly, a few times that has stopped me from cutting.  (i like shiney things, being kinda girly and all.)

anyway, just wanted to explain that i'm not exactly marking away the days on a calender, but that, i also am as i'm working towards a reward.  (i think rewards are my favorite part of DBT, hehe)

ok, done babbling about myself now.

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Sometimes I think it's helpful, if you're the sort of person that used to cut regularly, to count it as how many times you've cut in the last whatever.

Like for example I've cut twice in the last 8 weeks. I wish it were none, but I used to cut multiple times a day. So it's a huuuuge improvement.

I think I'm saying, if you slip up a couple of times, it's not bad- if overall you're doing it less then you're getting better.

That may not make any sense or be that relevant to the thread, but whatever lol. I slipped up a few days ago and was really upset but I've kinda turned it around in my head and wanted to share.

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Sometimes I think it's helpful, if you're the sort of person that used to cut regularly, to count it as how many times you've cut in the last whatever.

Like for example I've cut twice in the last 8 weeks. I wish it were none, but I used to cut multiple times a day. So it's a huuuuge improvement.

I think I'm saying, if you slip up a couple of times, it's not bad- if overall you're doing it less then you're getting better.

That may not make any sense or be that relevant to the thread, but whatever lol. I slipped up a few days ago and was really upset but I've kinda turned it around in my head and wanted to share.

no, it makes TOTAL sense.

it's all about progress.  cutting twice in eight weeks is a serious improvement over every day.

and you're right, by counting that way, you avoid punishing yourself for slipping up. 

it's like if you're on a diet and you eat a peice of cake.  either you say "ok, i ate that cake" and go back to the diet the next day, or you let eating that peice of cake blow all your diet.

it's always best to focus on your acheivements, and not let our slip-ups drag us down and distract us from all the progress we've made.

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Good luck :> It's a rough thing, quitting...and I don't know if urges ever go away ;) I had to stop because it had gotten so bad that it couldn't get any worse without disaster striking...and a bad accident. But, especially this time of year, when the sun's never around and it's always cold and my brain is always fogging...it's very, very tempting.

Getting out is what I do; push myself to get up, get out of the house, the situation, whatever it is that could change things so that I'm at least not there and just thinking. Don't do things that don't use both hands and my brain...I LOVE video games for that :) And remember that it's a not-so-good coping mechanism. That's my trap: it WORKED; most things now don't WORK. but it's no good; it leads to more problems.

I like your list of how to stop, the steps. It's good. A written explanation for what goes on helps.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i haven't done any SI major in two years. it's probably been... two months since anything minor. yeah i got angry and got hasty. (i'm stressed)

i still reel at how much i have to t.h.i.n.k. out alternatives so that i don't do anything.

1. stop (halt movement, thinking - so hard, disengage from a conversation, sensing - hearing, sight)

2. think to myself that i am having the urges

3. remember that i don't have to follow them

4. stop (as in #1)

5. try to figure out what i'm feeling

6. think of what ELSE i can do

7. think of how i do those things (i.e. walk over to other room. sit down. open puter... etc. or walk to basket. pull out project. sit down. do project.. etc.)

8. go through steps of doing those things

9. check to see if urges still there

10. if urges still there, go to step number 1 (repeating until stablized)

Presentjoy;

As a non physical self-injurer, I feel like an interloper in this area but find so much strenght from others in overcoming the crap we do to ourselves. I only recently admitted that I am addicted to all sorts of stuff (relationships, food, sex, internet, alcohol-all injuring and self inflicted I might ad, and used to hurt myself when I am feeling out of control or to bring myself some feeling of control) and find your above list practical in overcoming my desire to hurt myself in my preferred methods of injury. I printed it out, put one on my bulletin board and put one in my wallet. For me it is all about realizing that my above methods of hurting myself are choices and I can choose not to do them. BUT it takes a helluva lot of effort to derail those urges. Your list is very specific and will help me to be actively engaged in NOT doing those things instead of finding myself mid-thing and wondering how it happened again when I'm trying not to. It happens so fast, I feel a bad feeling and then am doing it without stopping and feeling the feeling and doing something else. It will help me really look at what I am feeling and actually STOP until stabilized. Genius! Thanks.

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Well I have just emerged from a period where I was inflicting major self-mutilation upon myself and ended up in the ER 4 times in as many weeks. I haven't cut, or had a drink of alcohol or binged and vomited or overdosed for the past 11 days and I am so proud of myself Im walking round with a perpetual goofy grin on my face!

To everyone on this thread - keep up the good work!

We rock!  ;)

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Well I have just emerged from a period where I was inflicting major self-mutilation upon myself and ended up in the ER 4 times in as many weeks. I haven't cut, or had a drink of alcohol or binged and vomited or overdosed for the past 11 days and I am so proud of myself Im walking round with a perpetual goofy grin on my face!

To everyone on this thread - keep up the good work!

We rock!  ;)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

blackbird,

i know that you have really been struggling lately and would like to congratulate you on your efforts and achievements.  you rock hardcore.  you have every reason to be proud keep it up!

~Ophelia~

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Presentjoy;

[..]

find your above list practical in overcoming my desire to hurt myself in my preferred methods of injury. I printed it out, put one on my bulletin board and put one in my wallet. For me it is all about realizing that my above methods of hurting myself are choices and I can choose not to do them. BUT it takes a helluva lot of effort to derail those urges. Your list is very specific and will help me to be actively engaged in NOT doing those things instead of finding myself mid-thing and wondering how it happened again when I'm trying not to.

[..]

Genius! Thanks.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

s'w, i don't personally feel like you're an interloper at all. ok. i do get that feeling though.. when i'm looking at the aspie board. sort of, identify with the ppl there, but feel illegitimate.  ;)

you articulated it so well - about being actively engaged in NOT doing, and that how it happens so fast.. and this has been extremely important and WILL be so in the coming days and weeks for me, as even since this initial post i have been struggling with stronger and more frequent urges.

i'm so touched and so glad that that people have found value in this little list. and in this thread, and with each other. and like blackbird said: we rock!

peace and strength,

pj

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  • 2 weeks later...

it hasn't been easy lately. i went on IRC last night cause it was b.a.d.

almost did but didn't. i hate how telling makes me seem manipulative. even -- actually i didn't do it in part because the appearance of them would seem manipulative. i thought about doing in a place no one would see like the inside of my thigh - but that's not where i want to do it.

i see my tdoc today, at 5. i am going to tell him.

i have some shit going on in my life. heh. by some standards it's nothing, but it's been bad shit for a while, and some of it is becoming 'intolerable'.

i wanna keep up the fight.

;)

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it hasn't been easy lately. i went on IRC last night cause it was b.a.d.

almost did but didn't. i hate how telling makes me seem manipulative. even -- actually i didn't do it in part because the appearance of them would seem manipulative. i thought about doing in a place no one would see like the inside of my thigh - but that's not where i want to do it.

i'm glad you didn't do it. 

i also hate the manipulitive connotation of cutting.  i guess some people do it that way, but not everyone.

but i'm glad you didn't.

what name do you use in irc? 

(i think i missed you, sorry)

i see my tdoc today, at 5. i am going to tell him.
that actually gave me a sigh of relief. 

i'm glad you are seeing a tdoc.  wish more people did.

i have some shit going on in my life. heh. by some standards it's nothing, but it's been bad shit for a while, and some of it is becoming 'intolerable'.

i wanna keep up the fight.

;)

bad shit is bad shit.  standards be dammned.  if it's bad shit for you, it's bad shit and you don't have to compare your pain to other's.  if it hurts, then it hurts.  period.

i hope you keep up the fight.

my thoughts are with you.

penny

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i'm sorry that things havent been going so well.  I am glad that you didnt do it and glad that you do not want to give up the fight. 

like penny said, "standards" dont mean anything.  obviously it does mean something if it hurts you so bad.  yes, lots of people have lots of things going on, but there is no need for comparison.  the shit you are going through, your hurt.... thats all there is to it.

i hope your doc appointment went well and im thinkin about ya

~Ophelia~

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keep keepin'. and then some.

i told tdoc. tdoc knew i did it before. tdoc is very caring and not judging and i mentioned it in passing and talked almost the whole hour about other stuff, the shit going on.

then he asked what my thoughts were, he asked me to tell him. so i did. i had two different scenarios. i told him both. i felt kind of weird afterward, and i had to sit in the waiting area for a little bit after the appointment. but .. i needed to tell him. like i needed to tell you here.

it's not about manipulating; except sometimes the pain gets the worst when in the middle of a fight - and then, if i run off and  ;)   then it looks like manipulation.

:)   :P   :ninja:

the first time i did it was with mom downstairs yelling about how no one helped around the house and it was such an awful mess. i guess i  :ninja:   becuause i couldn't hold in anymore, the house was dirty but i felt dirtier inside

:angry:   :D   :)  

thank you for your thoughts..

i will likely need this place, IRC, more and more (Penny, i usually go by PJ, presentjoy, or peeeej)

still fighting,

pj

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