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Pearly

Casual relationships

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I have been on tegretol for well over a month, I think my mania is improving. I am back on dating sites. I met this guy yesterday. He seemed sweet. I didn't feel it. I didn't want a relationshp with him so we agreed casual. Today he kept pushing me to come out and meet him to have sex. I said no. He said I was making excuses. Would not take no for an answer. He said it looks like I'm waiting for a bad guy as i don't want to with a decent guy like him. What a nerve!!  I cut him off. I am not going to be pressured into having sex with someone. Ever. I have never done it and he won't be my first. I am still open to the idea of having a casual relationship even after the mania has subsided. At least I think the mania has subsided. 

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That's how this "online dating" crap works.  If you say you don't want a relationship, a lot of men will assume you're down for immediate casual sex.  Not saying that's right, but people aren't going to want to court you in order to have sex with you. 

Honestly, you still sound confused about what you're looking to get out of this and whether you are hypomanic or not.  I would advise backing away from the sites for now as I don't think they will help your needs get met in a healthy way.

What about that toy you bought?  Erotica?  Porn?  There are ways to meet your sexual needs without involving other people.

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A casual relationship is still a relationship which means you get to know the other person albeit not with the intention to form a long lasting relationship. But an immediate hook-up just for sex is a random. It's not a casual relationship or a relationship of any kind.

Try to stay away from the dating sites until you have at least reached several months of stability.

Edited by jt07

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They all think they are good guys. He isn't a decent guy if he was pressuring you. He may have had a different idea of casual, but he also should respect your saying "no".  Good for you for setting boundaries.

i agree with the other posts that maybe you want to take a break from the dating sites. It will give you a chance to get more stable and figure out what you want from dating.

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Anecdotal ... I've been told this over and over again  (earlier in life, like in college, early 90s) that it is almost impossible for a male and female (adults) to be "just friends."  They are looking for sex even if things started out casually.  IDK where I heard this, but I have heard it a lot.  I'm not talking everyone out there is like this, but the majority. 

 

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Just so you're clear, "casual relationship " on dating sites pretty much means "sex without much relationship ". I'm not sure what you want from dating sites. Casual sex? A "meaningful relationship "? Friends to have sex with? If you aren't clear, or if you're mainly on looking-for-sex sites, you'll mainly get guys looking for sex. You still don't sound too stable, why not take a step away from these guys and figure out what you want. If you're just looking for a way to end your virginity, don't start with that conversation before even meeting and getting to know him. Do you really want sex as maybe a one time thing, with someone you just met? If you do, it sounds different from your life up to now, another reason to stabilize more. A lot of these guys are nice until they get sex, then they move on, that's what casual usually means. If that's what you want, OK, but be sure. Your conversations seem to turn to sex a lot, so time to figure out what you're doing. 

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2 hours ago, sugarsugar said:

Just so you're clear, "casual relationship " on dating sites pretty much means "sex without much relationship ". 

Wow, learn something new every day. I'm more old fashioned that I imagined. I though those were called "hook-ups" and not "casual relationships."

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nm

53 minutes ago, jt07 said:

Wow, learn something new every day. I'm more old fashioned that I imagined. I though those were called "hook-ups" and not "casual relationships."

I think this guy thought casual meant "friend with benefits".

Edited by confused

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Pearly, I barely suppressed an eye-roll when I got to the 'I'm back on dating sites' part of your post. Call me a cynic, but those sites seem to have little to do with dating. Good luck but please take care of yourself :) 

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On ‎5‎/‎14‎/‎2016 at 0:27 AM, melissaw72 said:

Anecdotal ... I've been told this over and over again  (earlier in life, like in college, early 90s) that it is almost impossible for a male and female (adults) to be "just friends."  They are looking for sex even if things started out casually.  IDK where I heard this, but I have heard it a lot.  I'm not talking everyone out there is like this, but the majority. 

 

I myself have issues just being friends, I have to use a great amount of self discipline to shut down any sexual thoughts. I do this out of respect and because I am not available. I have adopted an honest attitude towards the situation, I tell them that I find them attractive and that I won't allow myself to come onto them because that would be disrespectful to them, if they feel that is too much honesty or they get creeped out then I do not bother them again, because that would be creepy and weird. The original post is somewhat concerning that this person was pushing for sex so intensely. Boundaries were crossed, it should always be made very clear the intentions and personal boundaries of both people when it comes to a new relationship of any kind. Be it just sex, with no emotional ties or something like testing the waters to see where it goes. I believe, in being totally honest right off the bat is better then having to block a person who has crossed the line.

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50 minutes ago, dancingphantom said:

it should always be made very clear the intentions and personal boundaries of both people when it comes to a new relationship of any kind.

I don't remember why I said what I wrote was anecdotal unless I was referring to the past because this actually happened to me later on in life.  I did hear it all the time from people in college, but didn't experience it until years later.

(This is a VERY short version so I don't take away from OP post) ... I was molested by a guy in my building, who said friends only when I first met him (at the time he was close to 60 years old) ... FF only about a month and he was talking sex even though I told him no.  He said he would get in my pants "one of these days" and I said I'm  not like that.  So FF maybe 6-8 years later ... he test the waters and no matter what I did he was like a leech.  He said, "It's been 10 years and I have never gotten in your pants," and I was like I'm done.  I gave him way too many chances to stop talking about sex etc.  And one day soon after I just stopped talking to him, flat out, after knowing him for 10 years, just plain stopped. 

It has been almost 4 years now free of him, and not once has he ever asked why I stopped talking to him (after talking for 10 years).  And it was because he knew why.  He approached me a couple times and I just didn't say anything, didn't look at him.  And finally he didn't try to talk to me anymore. 

 

 

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On May 14, 2016 at 9:52 PM, Katg10 said:

Pearly, I barely suppressed an eye-roll when I got to the 'I'm back on dating sites' part of your post. Call me a cynic, but those sites seem to have little to do with dating. Good luck but please take care of yourself :) 

I met my soon to be husband online, and know several other married/long term couples who met that way.  So, yeah, there are people out there who are just looking for hook ups, but sometimes it works out :).

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