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There are parts I can't get over(warning graphic and detailed abuse)

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Many of you know I have been home from afghan for almost 2 years . I have been really struggling lately with the memories and flashbacks

yes there is the complete trauma from what I had to do and things I saw and experienced. I remember every soldier that died or was mutilated on my table vividly. I remember every order I gave or received that resulted in the loss of men or women and the many notes I wrote home.

the parts I am really struggling with however was the complete subjugation of the women. I met so many amazing women in both Iraq and Afghan and my heart bleeds and relates to the victim and yet I was sexually abused and raped but to some extent my complete nightmare is over and theirs aren't 


 These women fall to the ground whenever any man even slightly raises their hands. WOmen can be in excruciating pain even in transition in labor and yet if a man has a hangnail he goes first. Women are routinely given to other family members and to other people of authority to grant favor

those who get pregnant are shunned and turned away  and some get this just for being raped . women are beaten and they are mutilated and burned by acid . Their genitals are routinely mutilated so they can never enjoy sexual relations. Women's bodies have been hung up as a lesson to other women in the villages.young girls start getting raped even by age 6 which makes them not eligible for a decent marriage . Some need immediate surgery and die before they can get help with their abdomens punctured or bear a lifetime of urinary issues

They are subjugated and they really have no reason to think that anything will get better

i remember all of this in waking and sleeping nightmares . I can't seem to talk it out in therapy  or even with other soldiers . THese memories don't stop 

i remember their hopelessness . I remember their eyes . I remember their fear

sometimes I see the same in my own husband when he is upset and yet he has never hurt me but I cringe inside and want to disappear. 

I cant seem to make these memories be processed . I see kids getting spanked and I want to yank off the arms of those parents .i can't handle raised voices in my home. I can't handle violent movies or anything having to do with women or BDSM. I see the statistics of the women participating in this . I see them at work repeating the same abuse or neglect that they received earlier in their lives . Hey I get the skin likes different sensations but when it carries over into daily living I want to scream

i see trauma at work and I remember all the faces of those I lost or sent away for a lifetime of pain and rehab. I only came home with burns and back injuries and I feel guilty for that

i have spent a lifetime fighting for women's rights and yet none of it seems to matter . Even our own military code of justice is against women .

So what do you guys do with these memories ? How do you make them stop flashing when you are anxious?  How do you put them in perspective or deal with them without impacting your life more than they do already ?how do you deal with the pain of trauma 

yes I have done groups and therapy and meds and yoga and reiki and acupuncture but nothing really helps

i don't know where to turn anymore . Any ideas or whatever worked for you with trauma and PTSD would be very kind to hear

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one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time

we know that doesn't seem like much of an answer. also we've found other supports...there's an entire site dedicated to ptsd. education has been a big help to us; just realizing that *this specific symptom* is ptsd and not masking another MI dx has been a godsend. 

reaching out and not isolating. telling our story and helping others.

we are sorry our response sounds so very inadequate. we're listening and holding space for you.

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