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I'm not actually sure if this is a delusion. I wanted to put it out there and see if anyone has experienced something similar. 

Basically, I start to get the feeling that there is some impersonal, robotic, supernatural Force that is tasked with destroying me. It has no reason to do so; that's just its job. Once I start thinking this, I get premonitions and see signs that this is true. The signs could come from anywhere or anything... mundane happening and objects. I would just see something and know that it is a sign that the Being that's after me needs me to take steps towards death/destruction. Then I would get intrusive thoughts about ways to hurt myself, and I would think the Force was sending them. I would bargain with the thoughts, because if I offered up ways to hurt myself that were less harmful, I could prolong the path towards destruction. (But they were harmful enough and I ended up in hospital...)

My doctors attributed most of this to OCD (intrusive thoughts and compulsions), but I think they were missing something. I'm worried that I was having delusional thinking too. I'm going to ask my outpatient doctor next week, but in the meantime I'm just curious if anyone else had delusional thinking related to their own destruction.

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I have no experience with OCD, but whatever is going on sounds really awful. I hope that they can figure out how best to help. Have they discussed any potential med changes or any new coping tools you can learn in therapy that you might not have tried before?

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Hmmm, I can relate.

Not exactly to the artificial thing trying to kill me but the way the signs and things communicate with me, in this case, with you.

This is what I was described as 'delusion of reference' or when mild, just as 'Ideas of reference'.

Since I have OCD while psychotic/manic, I don't know exactly how OCD plays a role with this kind of delusion, but if you can, check 'delusion of reference' and 'Ideas of reference' out to see if fits, when pdoc told me about it, it made so much sense that I still watch myself out, because I have this kind of delusion in every single manic episode that I had.

Edited by uncomfortable thoughts
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During mixed episodes, I usually start to think the the Universe wants me to die.  It's not a force conspiring against me-- more like my path is being revealed to me.  I'll interpret signs about the timing and planning of my suicide.  I understand the feeling of knowing you describe; it's very compelling.  Sometimes there's an element of paranoia and mind reading, too.

Haven't told pdoc.  I'm embarrassed.

I've wondered if it's the mind's (subconscious) attempt to understand/make sense of suicidal thoughts, like a shield from shame, guilt, responsibility.  I suppose I want a rational explanation for something not rational!

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7 hours ago, saintalto said:

I have no experience with OCD, but whatever is going on sounds really awful. I hope that they can figure out how best to help. Have they discussed any potential med changes or any new coping tools you can learn in therapy that you might not have tried before?

I had a med change while in hospital (added Geodon) and since then the Force or whatever it is has been absent. Thank god! It didn't help much for my normal, everyday OCD though.

3 hours ago, lifequake said:

During mixed episodes, I usually start to think the the Universe wants me to die.  It's not a force conspiring against me-- more like my path is being revealed to me.  I'll interpret signs about the timing and planning of my suicide.  I understand the feeling of knowing you describe; it's very compelling.  Sometimes there's an element of paranoia and mind reading, too.

Haven't told pdoc.  I'm embarrassed.

I've wondered if it's the mind's (subconscious) attempt to understand/make sense of suicidal thoughts, like a shield from shame, guilt, responsibility.  I suppose I want a rational explanation for something not rational!

Yes, what I experience sounds a lot like this. I also think my mind is spinning tales that will make sense of the intrusive thoughts. I'm sorry you experience this too.

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Now I hope I can make sense. 

My tdoc just talked to me about priming (can't remember the exact word she used). Like say, you are thinking the world is going to end soon (like I do). Well since you have this bad thought in your mind your brain is more attuned or primed to think of things that are ordinary words or events as "signs" or "messages." Because all you can think about is the end of things, your brain will pick up random words like "ceasing" and you'll think that is a sign/message that the world will "cease" to exist. Etc etc etc

Now I don't buy that because the messages and signs are too clear to me. And to make it worse she was writing down my thoughts of things ending  which only makes it seem like it will really happen for sure now that it's been written down!!!

I am recovered from my OCD a lot more these days so I can't comment there. I don't know what to say regarding that. But I agree that it sounds awful and I am glad the new med has eliminated the destructive obsessions. I hope your pdoc can help you further too. 

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2 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Now I hope I can make sense. 

My tdoc just talked to me about priming (can't remember the exact word she used). Like say, you are thinking the world is going to end soon (like I do). Well since you have this bad thought in your mind your brain is more attuned or primed to think of things that are ordinary words or events as "signs" or "messages." Because all you can think about is the end of things, your brain will pick up random words like "ceasing" and you'll think that is a sign/message that the world will "cease" to exist. Etc etc etc

Now I don't buy that because the messages and signs are too clear to me. And to make it worse she was writing down my thoughts of things ending  which only makes it seem like it will really happen for sure now that it's been written down!!!

I am recovered from my OCD a lot more these days so I can't comment there. I don't know what to say regarding that. But I agree that it sounds awful and I am glad the new med has eliminated the destructive obsessions. I hope your pdoc can help you further too. 

This is really interesting and makes a lot of sense. Of course at the time though I was very convinced I was going to be destroyed, despite being able to realize it "sounded crazy." 

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11 hours ago, aura said:

This is really interesting and makes a lot of sense. Of course at the time though I was very convinced I was going to be destroyed, despite being able to realize it "sounded crazy." 

Yes. It is interesting. I will have to think more about this.

I'm glad I made sense lol. I was worried I didn't explain it right. 

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