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Do you doubt your dx because of hypomania?


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I go through this endless cycle, since I was diagnosed at 15 (and I'm 28 now) which is, "I can't have bipolar because I don't get manic." (I get hypomanic) "I must have BP because this behavior isn't normal." "I can't have BP because this hypomania is too mild to be anything."

When I'm depressed, which is most of the time, I can never remember what hypomania really feels like, and I feel as though I'm exaggerating my own symptoms. I think, genuinely, I still don't completely understand hypomania, or rapid cycling which plays into it. People like my grandpa, who had BP I, it seems so obvious: he was depressed and suicidal, or he was manic and gambling and typical 'manic' symptoms...you looked at him, and it was easy to see 'that's someone with bipolar.'

What if I never get hypomanic? I just don't know. I know I have these periods of behavior, but never these super obvious signs (to me)...like I don't engage in risky behavior. I sleep very little, I talk faster than I can breathe, I clean the house all night, I get extremely irritable then happier than I've ever been in my life...but when I'm living it, it just doesn't feel like "that's bipolar." It feels like..."something is off with you." I'm confused. I've been confused for 13 years. lol.

Anyone have thoughts?

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I was hypomanic, maybe manic, or mixed, many times looking back, but undiagnosed.  At first I thought, I can't be manic, I've seen manic, really, really manic. That's not me. But when I looked at it as a spectrum, I could see it more. Also, I had to admit, looking back, I had behavior that was impulsive and risky, it just didn't seem that way when I was going through it. It seemed fun at times, driven at others, but it hadn't been labelled, so I didn't have a name for it. I think it's hard to accept and make sense of these labels, esp at first, I totally struggled with that for a long time. 

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Thank you so much sbdivemaster! That really, really helped. I might refer back to this when I have the same feelings in the future. While I know only professionals can give "professional" advice, frankly my fellow sufferers usually give the best advice.

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You might find this website interesting/helpful... http://psycheducation.org/

I doubt my diagnosis despite having had full-blown psychotic mania. Sometimes I think doubting is just part of having bipolar, because when you experience moods you experience them as coming from you, as willful and under control (even when they aren't). Sometimes it takes input from friends and family to confirm that something was indeed different or wrong.

But about hypomania in particular, it can be very mild yet still very significant. Even a short, mild hypomania for me will disrupt my moods and possibly send me into depression.

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