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I want friends but I'm doomed it seems


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I want to have friends again. I either abandoned or was abandoned by all the friends I used to have. I got batshit crazy and psychotic and that was the end of that. They just stopped talking to me after long ass stints in state hospitals or I drop off the face of the earth because of depression or some other symptom. I've yet to find anyone who still wants to be around me regardless of this fact.

I'm always lonely. The only peopleI interact with now are my parents and my husband (and only on his days off). And my treatment team if I'm lucky.

To make matters worse, my confidence is shot and I don't deem myself worthy of even looking people in the eye. Let alone having any friendships. I am never "included" in anything anymore even if I'm there with family even.

But I'm doomed because I just don't get out much and I can't work. I used to be very outgoing and extroverted. Now I just shy away from people because it hurts too much to know that they will just abandon you when the shit hits the fan. My maid of honor at my wedding won't even return texts or anything like that. So I've given up. That really stings. 

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Aw, Cheese, I'm so sorry. Have you talked to your husband about not feeling included in family things? That would be a big blow to my ego- maybe once that is resolved you could join a book club or do something in a group setting that doesn't require too much commitment or openness. Just throwing ideas out there. I used to have a lot more friends, but between getting married, graduating college, and developing psychosis, I don't have a ton. I have one close friend who lives three doors down from me and doesn't mind pajamas and messy hair, thank goodness. 

Just please don't give up on this. Living so isolated is no good. And you're so sweet, I can't imagine you'd have much trouble making new pals! :)

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1 hour ago, heilmania said:

Aw, Cheese, I'm so sorry. Have you talked to your husband about not feeling included in family things? That would be a big blow to my ego- maybe once that is resolved you could join a book club or do something in a group setting that doesn't require too much commitment or openness. Just throwing ideas out there. I used to have a lot more friends, but between getting married, graduating college, and developing psychosis, I don't have a ton. I have one close friend who lives three doors down from me and doesn't mind pajamas and messy hair, thank goodness. 

Just please don't give up on this. Living so isolated is no good. And you're so sweet, I can't imagine you'd have much trouble making new pals! :)

No I don't think I've brought it up with my husband. But he would probably not really get it. I feel so alone in a room full of family (during our very limited get togethers). They all do their own things and there I sit sometimes mumbling to myself. Sitting by watching them achieve so much  - kids, pets, careers, college, financial stability, etc. Plus knowing that he wants all those things but I'm preventing him from having them, well that kills me.

I am too stupid for reading and can't focus much nowadays but I like the idea of a book club. I know I'd end up dropping off the face of the earth though and avoiding and isolating. It's my go-to pattern as of late. I've let people see me crazy before and it's only ended up them leaving me alone and not returning calls, messages, texts, etc. I guess that's why I prefer to isolate before that happens and drop off the face of the planet. I think people can tell I don't have a soul anymore. 

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39 minutes ago, CeremonyNewOrder said:

Have you thought of maybe volunteering? 

I'm not sure if I could commit or provide any sort of consistent help. And I'm not sure what I'd do. Nothing really interests me that much.

Anxiety around driving is a huge barrier.

I thought about getting a job coach for some kind of assistive employment (not sure of the proper term). Husband says I'll do it for a week then have to quit anyways because I'll get overwhelmed. Plus I'm afraid it will interfere with my loan discharge or my SSDI. But I really think it would boost my confidence. A problem is I don't know how to say "no" and I look competent (I think?) and they will keep making more and more demands of me until I burn out. I miss working though a lot. 

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7 minutes ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

No I don't think I've brought it up with my husband. But he would probably not really get it. I feel so alone in a room full of family (during our very limited get togethers). They all do their own things and there I sit sometimes mumbling to myself. Sitting by watching them achieve so much  - kids, pets, careers, college, financial stability, etc. Plus knowing that he wants all those things but I'm preventing him from having them, well that kills me.

I am too stupid for reading and can't focus much nowadays but I like the idea of a book club. I know I'd end up dropping off the face of the earth though and avoiding and isolating. It's my go-to pattern as of late. I've let people see me crazy before and it's only ended up them leaving me alone and not returning calls, messages, texts, etc. I guess that's why I prefer to isolate before that happens and drop off the face of the planet. I think people can tell I don't have a soul anymore. 

I know what you mean when you talk about isolating yourself- it's like a bad habit that gets reinforced by bad people. I'm not sure about souls and all, but I think you're a very kind, good person deserving of being happier than you sound right now. 

In response to your other comments, what about volunteering at an animal shelter? The one by me gives you about a half-hour orientation, then lets you just sign in and out when you feel like it. A lot of people just take a dog on their normal morning run or walk, go in and throw a ball around, or help train the dogs that need it. It's really cool.

I went twice. I dropped it (no reason). I still get their emails every week and act like I might go back or something, and it's been a couple years, no joke. 

Sucks. 

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Like heilmania, I was going to suggest maybe an animal shelter, if you like spending time with animals and there's one close enough. But I understand the trouble getting to places, and commitments are incredibly hard when you're unwell and the future is unpredictable. :( With the driving anxiety, is there any place close enough to walk to where activities are held, or anywhere your husband could take you, or go together?

There are also groups out there other than book clubs which are perhaps a bit easier to focus on; film clubs, art & craft groups/lessons; garden clubs and so on.

It is a very, very hard thing to deal with that so many "friends" will leave as soon as things turn bad. They might even be good people in general but just lack the understanding and patience to stay in touch through the hardest times, which really hurts. But I do believe there are people out there who have the patience and compassion and loyalty and who would gain much themselves from a connection with you. It's just very tough to find them, I know.

One idea is to talk with people by written word (online) and be very open with them about things from the start if that would help the fear of abandonment at all (before getting close without knowing at all if they would leave under worse conditions) -- but then there is the issue of physical proximity, and whether or not you can then meet in person. E-mailing/messaging people can be helpful but of course it's not the same as a face-to-face conversation. Have you ever considered video logs/diaries? Maybe that is a little closer, with still being able to see and hear those you speak to, but also lower-pressure with it not being in real time.

Edited by amianthus
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Cheese, have you ever found that too many people in your life (IRL) stress you out?

I find that too many people in my life can get really stressful.  I can't keep up.  I don't have many friends who live in-state.  They are mostly all out of state.  I guess that doesn't really matter when they don't you write back though, or call.

And I hate when I email someone and they blow me off.  Really bothers me.

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