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And then it hit me...almost


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So today I was downtown with a friend. We were going to cross the street and just jay walk cos the lights were red to one side and just turned yellow on the other. She said "Let's just go to the corner" but I said "no let's go now - it's  clear" and took a step off the curb.

That's when she grabbed my arm and pulled me back as the bus driver laid on his horn and brakes, narrowly missing making me a big splat on the road.

I didn't MEAN to step in front of a bus. I didn't  see it coming - thought it had stopped already. I wasn't / am not feeling suicidal  (that I can tell, anyway) but that brush with death...

I didn't care. I was a little disappointed, to be honest. Kinda wished my friend hadn't been so quick. Or that the driver of the bus was distracted. 

I don't have the desire to die, to be dead. I'm going through some pretty negatively stressful times right now, but nothing that makes me want to kill myself. I'm feeling kind of dead inside already, but with sharp feelings of emotional hunger. An odd balance...

Anyway. 

TLDR: almost got hit by a bus, didn't phase me, kind of disappointed, I'm fucked up.

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Sorry that happened.  Sounds like it was scary situation. 

Sometimes when I am in the "who cares" frame of mind, it means I am slipping into a depression or am already there, practically at the bottom.  And to come out of it I need to make sure meds are ok/tweaked, and to talk to someone.  (pdoc for me - he does the therapy also).

Do you have a therapist (tdoc) who you can bring this up with to talk about?  Or a psychiatrist (pdoc)?

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