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Not sure where to begin.

This is my second attempt at posting in a community about my mental health issues. The first time I tried I got too paranoid and deleted everything before I could settle in. I am still battling paranoia, but I feel it's necessary to open up and try to get involved. My life sort of depends on it, I think, maybe.

I am running on momentum gained from 10 ECT treatments this year that I began after my failed suicide attempt in April. I have been diagnosed w/MDD, OCD, and anxiety. I was diagnosed w/BP NOS in the hospital about a year ago, but my current doc thinks it's MDD. I've been hosp 4 times w/psychotic episodes (delusions, mostly) in the last 4 years and have been in regular therapy for 4 years.

I'm scared. Currently obsessing over friends and family not returning my calls, falling into the black and white thinking patterns, beating myself up. The ECT and drugs (curr take Prozac and Zyprexa) have helped some but they don't change they way I think which I guess is really what is making me feel like ass. Bc deep down, I'm pretty sure a) the world is not garbage and b) I am not garbage. So why do I FEEL like garbage?

Thanks, to anyone who read this.

 

 

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Hello, and welcome to CB! 

We have forums dedicated to a whole lot of what you're going through, as you may have noticed. I'm curious to know if you've ever tried any sort of therapy targeted towards changing the thinking patterns that you want to change? While meds can certainly help take the edge off, many of our members find that it takes both therapy and meds to combat their brain cooties. 

I hope that you can find the support that you're looking for. 

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13 hours ago, whome said:

Not sure where to begin.

This is my second attempt at posting in a community about my mental health issues. The first time I tried I got too paranoid and deleted everything before I could settle in. I am still battling paranoia, but I feel it's necessary to open up and try to get involved. My life sort of depends on it, I think, maybe.

I am running on momentum gained from 10 ECT treatments this year that I began after my failed suicide attempt in April. I have been diagnosed w/MDD, OCD, and anxiety. I was diagnosed w/BP NOS in the hospital about a year ago, but my current doc thinks it's MDD. I've been hosp 4 times w/psychotic episodes (delusions, mostly) in the last 4 years and have been in regular therapy for 4 years.

I'm scared. Currently obsessing over friends and family not returning my calls, falling into the black and white thinking patterns, beating myself up. The ECT and drugs (curr take Prozac and Zyprexa) have helped some but they don't change they way I think which I guess is really what is making me feel like ass. Bc deep down, I'm pretty sure a) the world is not garbage and b) I am not garbage. So why do I FEEL like garbage?

Thanks, to anyone who read this.

 

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. 

I think your idea of finding another therapist (tdoc) is a really good idea, one that gives you feedback, and not just agrees with you.

Have you considered a med tweak (after talking to your psychiatrist about it)?  When did you start the prozac and zyprexa?  If not long ago, I'd give them some time to work.  If you have been on them for years and they aren't working, I think your psychiatrist (pdoc) would want to know that.  When is your next pdoc appt?

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Thanks, Melissa. I have tried a ton of anti-depressants in combination with mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety over the years. It was determined that my MDD was treatment-resistant, which is why I tried ECT. I've been on this current combination of Prozac and Zyprexa since Fall 2015. I think my pdoc wanted to wait and see if the ECT was enough to get me off of medication. He's new; I switched after my attempt, and he's also the one who administered the ECT.

My next appointment with him is in 2 weeks. I have to remember to be totally honest and tell him everything. I usually downplay it all and that's no good.

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5 hours ago, whome said:

My next appointment with him is in 2 weeks. I have to remember to be totally honest and tell him everything. I usually downplay it all and that's no good.

Yes, definitely be totally honest and tell pdoc everything, without downplaying it all.

Sometimes I find that writing things down in between appts helps me to not downplay much; because by the time of the next appt, the stuff that happened between appts I found myself downplaying because it happened awhile ago and other stuff had come up closer to the actual appt date that I wanted to talk about too.

Does that make sense?

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