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WHAT is wrong with me?!?!


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I'm so, so, so tired of not being able to understand what is wrong with me.  I don't

wish any type of illness on myself, as I realize that no MI is any fun, but I just think

I would find so much relief if I knew what is wrong with me, regardless of what it is,

whether there is a gloomy outlook associated with it or not, I just want to know.  I

know it is probably wrong but I envy those of you who firmly know what the heck

is going on with you.  Even if there is no fix it.  hell, I'm pretty sure there is no fix

it for me.  So all i want is to have a name for it.  Maybe so I don't feel so alone, so

I don't feel like I am the only person in this world who thinks this way, who feels

and acts this way.  I really don't know why. 

I'm not sure if I have a chemical problem or a personality problem or a mix of

both that make it so that the cure for one means the aggravation of the other, so

that in my natural state I'm better off, even though my functioning is low at least

it's functioning, but unhappily and reluctantly.  I don't know why I have an aversion

to harming myself because as worthless and screwed up as I feel that really is

the only solution, but for some reason I have to be *afraid* of dying even though

it is, after all, inevitable.  I suppose it's pathetic to feel that way. 

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I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a year and have been in therapy for 2.5 years, so I have been trying to get this taken care of.  Thing is there doesn't seem to much of an in-depth interest. So long as I don't say I'm a harm to myself or others, then I guess it doesn't really matter what's wrong with me. I worry I might get to that point though and I would prefer to deal with this stuff before something drastic happens.

There are times when I function incredibly well.  I am able to maintain a couple of close friendships but not "suffocative" or overdependent... healthy and appreciated.  I can maintain employment and do very well at whatever my job is.  I can deal with my crazy family and some responsibilities that have been dropped into my lap, namely caring for a teenage family member (it's just me and her).  Or do a couple of those things, taking or leaving the job or taking or leaving the social life, etc, and do very well.  Clap clap.

But then everything just seems to not matter quite as much.  Like having friends or being with people.  I dread going to work, which I know is normal for a lot of people but when I dread something, eventually I just don't do it anymore.  If I dread having to make myself spend time with someone when I'd rather be alone, eventually I lose my friends.  And it's not like I have a lot to do in my alone time to occupy myself.  Sometimes I do, sometimes I find projects to work on.  But other times I give up everything for nothing.  And there is no trigger.  I handle crises very well when they came up.  I don't run away and isolate myself.  It just happens.  And it's been this way, thinking back, since I was in 8th grade.

I wouldn't call myself "depressed". Every now and then I cry.  But most of the time I just sit around and try to think of something to do, or go for a drive or go shopping or get a new kitten, and other times I sit on the couch and I sigh, and I think about which friend to call but I don't call any of them because I am just not interested in talking to them.  Which I know sounds really mean but I can't help it.  For some reason I can't make myself care when I'm in a not caring place.  Other times I care so much, so I know it's not that I'm a downright selfish self-centered bad person. 

I have ADHD and PMDD, and both can somewhat be controlled by medication but when I'm in that not caring cycle sometimes I just don't take the medicine.  So I'm restless and distracted because of the ADD, not to mention impatience, and then I'm extra impatient during PMDD not to mention moody and irritable and incredibly anxious and in need of an outlet for everything all bottled inside.  But when I'm isolating I don't have any positive outlet, so I end up having problems.

I don't know how to relate to people in what I would consider an "intimate" way.  Even when I'm with friends and being social, I don't always understand what to say or not to say, I don't always listen, or I listen only because I want to have an answer or advice or "help".  I don't trust anybody for real, even when I'm being social.  And I don't know if I want to trust anybody, when it comes down to it.  I know how people are, and when people get mad at other people they betray them.  It just seems inevitable.

What else........ there are a couple other very strange things about me that are embarrassing such as fixating on particular people.  I think it's just people that I genuinely am interested in knowing, but because of my trust hang-ups I always put myself in a position where knowing them well just will not happen.  I prefer to know them by observation, it's a bit safer, and for me it's just as fulfilling as a normal relationship.  Which is weird, but at least it's not based on psychotic fantasies or anything like that.  It is what it is.  I can have a lot of affection for someone who barely knows I exist, but that is the extent of it.  If I get too close it becomes icky and uncomfortable and I stop it.

It is too complicated to just walk into the counselor and try to explain all of this.  I don't know what is wrong with me, I mean I know my view of relationships and social life and all of that is a bit strange and as much as I want things to be different I don't think even with skills I can interact with people normally.  Even if I got to a point where I could take that risk, I don't think it would work.  I've had friendships that I felt were "real", and they didn't work because I get too comfortable and I say stupid things and I don't think I have enough to give. 

But that's all I can think of for now.  I won't even go into how the meds have impacted my various symptoms...  I kind of think it's a lost cause or I have some sort of brain damage or something.

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