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Pearly

Casual relationships?

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So at 31 years old, and being a virgin, I never thought I'd see a day when I will actually do it. I like the guy, but it just isn't going to work out for various reasons mostly my family would not allow it to work. 1. because he's 27 and 2. because of his cultural upbrining. Doesn't matter if he's an atheist my family would not accept him. But I feel some sort of connection and I want to do it. I am 100% sure this is not a decision I am making in an episode. I've been talking to him two months. But I am very afraid. I've never hidden anything from my mother. This is my secret but I feel immensely guilty about hiding it from her.

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Well, at 31, it's none of your mothers business whom you're having sex with. Or if you're having sex. I lost my virginity at 24 to a "friend with benefits", and people always assume I was so much younger, since people are losing their virginity at a much younger age, it seems.

The age difference doesn't matter with 27 and 31. If it were 21 and 17, that's a bit iffy (illegal in some places), but still... 

This isn't your mothers decision, and trust me, she isn't going to want a play by play of your sex life. Losing your virginity, to some, is a BIG deal, and it should be shared with the other person, and it was a big deal for me, but my mom doesn't know anything about it. I'm very open with my mom, I tell her almost everything. I don't consider her not knowing the details of losing my virginity a "secret". 

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I agree with San. You know, no matter when you lose your virginity or with whom, I can almost guarantee you that you will feel like you are hiding something from your mother. That's because you are so close to your parents and maybe you don't have clear boundaries set. However, you are 31 and are an adult. Your sex life is really not you're parents business anymore. 

I also agree with San, that your mother is not going to want a blow-by-blow account of your sex life. Nobody's parents do. It's between you and the other person, not between you and the other person and your parents.

So now is the time to draw boundaries about what is and is not appropriate for your mother to know.

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Dittoing the four year age difference (once you're past the illegal zone and particularly when you're mid to late 20s and higher) really doesn't have to be a big deal.  It's one thing if it's a big deal for you for a particular reason that you don't feel like would ever change.  It's another thing if it's more that you think other people (family, friends, society) would be judging you for it.  I've had two relationships with a four year age difference (both within the past five years and I'm now 34 in case that matters) and it wasn't ever a big deal, beyond me feeling old when I realized that I graduated college the same year she graduated high school in the one case and the reverse when the person was older than me.  That seriously was the only part that would feel a bit strange and it really wasn't in a bad sense.

On the having sex with someone for the first time piece - the specific prerequisites of sorts matter more to some than others.  Mine was later than typical at the time and with someone I thought I was going to marry (but didn't--the potential was good enough for me).  However, if I were to take my current brain back to the time I was making the decision, I probably wouldn't have put nearly as high a bar on it.  I was just raised in a very "sex is something to feel guilty about" family so it stuck with me for a bit.  (And then ironically I came out to myself two years later and had a whole different sort of sex for the first time thing, but that's a different story!). It's really just a call for you and the other person to make.  Your parents don't need to know, don't want to know, and really don't need to influence the decision. 

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