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I want to kill myself


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Hello. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been depressed for maybe a year now and I am at the point now of just giving up. I cut myself because I hate myself so much. Only my best friend knows I cut and so does he. Every night I lie down on my bed and say to myself "Why haven't I ended it yet?" No one likes me, everyone thinks I'm weird, I have only 3 friends I hate my mom, my mom and dad have split up and I just feel like shit everyday. Everything gets worse day by day and I know by maybe the end of this month I am going to kill myself. I don't really know why I decided to upload this on here, I guess someone might see this and relate to me and hopefully I somehow change the way I look at myself soon. See you. Hopefully .

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Welcome to CB. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much... a year of depression is really a lot. Are you seeking professional help? Working with a psychiatrist or therapist might help you to get better.

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Echoing aura and hoping you have a psychiatrist and a therapist. It sucks that your parents have split, but that's not on you. You have no ownership in that.

I don't know how old you are, but I somehow am inferring that you are young. I can tell you that some things do get better with age. I can't promise you that things change overnight, but I'm more content and have much lest angst now than when I was younger. I am also on a good cocktail of meds to help with depression. I also received quite a bit of therapy. So I wouldn't give up just yet if I were you.

I doubt that everyone thinks you are weird because everyone is a humongous number of people. Might it be possible that you are magnifying your idea of how a few people perceive you into everyone? And also 3 friends is not bad. I am by far not very social so what's always counted for me was the quality of my friends rather than the quantity. I would consider myself lucky to have 3 good friends.

Try not to put time limits on your life. Your life is worth a lot more than that. Everything might appear to get worse day by day, but I suspect that is depression lying to you. Depression is a big liar, maybe the biggest. It looks for everything wrong to tell you that your life is crap and that you should end it. The thing is, life is a mixture of good and bad. Depression leaves out the good things and magnifies the bad.

I can't really comment on the cutting. Hopefully someone will come a long who can help you with that, but I think first you have to get your head in a space where you realize that your life is worth fighting for. I don't even know you, and I can say without a doubt, that your life is worth fighting for.

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2 hours ago, jt07 said:

Echoing aura and hoping you have a psychiatrist and a therapist. It sucks that your parents have split, but that's not on you. You have no ownership in that.

I don't know how old you are, but I somehow am inferring that you are young. I can tell you that some things do get better with age. I can't promise you that things change overnight, but I'm more content and have much lest angst now than when I was younger. I am also on a good cocktail of meds to help with depression. I also received quite a bit of therapy. So I wouldn't give up just yet if I were you.

I doubt that everyone thinks you are weird because everyone is a humongous number of people. Might it be possible that you are magnifying your idea of how a few people perceive you into everyone? And also 3 friends is not bad. I am by far not very social so what's always counted for me was the quality of my friends rather than the quantity. I would consider myself lucky to have 3 good friends.

Try not to put time limits on your life. Your life is worth a lot more than that. Everything might appear to get worse day by day, but I suspect that is depression lying to you. Depression is a big liar, maybe the biggest. It looks for everything wrong to tell you that your life is crap and that you should end it. The thing is, life is a mixture of good and bad. Depression leaves out the good things and magnifies the bad.

I can't really comment on the cutting. Hopefully someone will come a long who can help you with that, but I think first you have to get your head in a space where you realize that your life is worth fighting for. I don't even know you, and I can say without a doubt, that your life is worth fighting for.

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Thank you for replying. I hope my life does get better and I know deep down my life is worth living, but I just can't get through the mental and emotional pain at the moment. I am 15 by the way.

Edited by Daniel098
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3 hours ago, aura said:

Welcome to CB. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much... a year of depression is really a lot. Are you seeking professional help? Working with a psychiatrist or therapist might help you to get better.

No, I don't really feel comfortable with taking to anyone. To be honest, I don't trust anyone. Eventually, if I don't end my life, I will speak to a therapist. But for now, i am just going to keep everything to myself which I know isn't good. I pretty much bottle everything up, then unleash it when I hit my breaking point and self harm, punch walls, pull my hair out e.t.c.

Edited by Daniel098
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That really sounds miserable to be suffering through.  Can you identify any aspects that would make a potential therapist easier to trust (man versus woman, younger versus older, etc.)?  One of the things that I've found helps slightly with the whole having to talk to someone I don't know (at the beginning) is recognizing that I can decide that that's not the right person and "interview" someone else (of sorts).  So if the first one you stumble across doesn't seem like a good match, you're not stuck. 

It's harder to do that when you're under 18 b/c of the possibility of having to have a parent involved in transportation and such things (unless you can drive or have public transit options? or know someone through school?).  Because of how many students deal with mental health problems in my current location, our school system actually has a lot of counselors/therapists who are physically located in the school and meet with someone during the school day but aren't actual school employees (they belong to various mental health agencies).  So sometimes that's a way of pulling it off.

I can recognize how hard it is to be able to talk to someone.  Truly.  I'm not trying to minimize that.  But I'd hate to see you cut your life so short without trying some of the things that frequently can make it better.  You mentioned talking to a therapist if you don't end your life--I'd suggest gently to try to flip that.  Try the therapist thing first, if you can at all. 

Like Jt, I also found things got a lot better as I got older--particularly as I got out of high school.  So although there aren't guarantees, there's at least a reasonable probability that this is a temporary state and will in fact go away.  It's just hard to hang in there through it.

(I also can't help much on the self-harm front, but I know there's a really good list of alternatives that people can try in this forum and it might not hurt taking a look at it.)

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I don't have much advice but there's some good lists of things to do instead of self harm on here

apart from that all I can say is if you can get clean it gets a bit easier each day, trust me its still hard, but it does get easier, and its definitely worth it, stay strong :) 

Edited by Asho2345
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High Schoolers can be immature jerks- even subhuman.  I guess it's that they are still kids in a lot of ways which amplifies any quirks they have in their personality plus raging hormones make everyone baseline miserable.  They think they are more grown up but the truth is their lives haven't even begun yet.  Some of your peers might have an attitude that they know everything but I believe you gain and receive knowledge forever no matter how long you live.  

I am 35 and everyday is a blessing.  I have a lot of good things in my life and the best thing of all is that I'm no longer depressed or having symptoms of mental illness.  These have been some of the best years of my life!

When I was 15 I got shuffled around from high school to high school and every school had one thing in common- bullies!!!  When you are surrounded by people who don't like you and misunderstand you, it's too easy to believe that your are weird or unlikeable.  I had a boyfriend who talked about cutting and I decided I'd try it to release the pain and express the inexpressible things i was feeling.  It was all a downward spiral from there.  My parents were beyond hysterical and it's been a wild, rocky ride trying to get them to calm down.  I was on all kinds of meds, some of which I think were too strong for me and might have cause some residual problems.  Thats just my honest opinion but not necessarily correct. 

Now that I'm older I have a few good friends but honestly if I wanted to i could have more.  My closest friends love me for who i am and my innocent quirks are something we can laugh about together.  If we were all the same the world would be a very boring place!

If you see a psychiatrist then i have some words of advice.  There are all types of psych docs and some are really good at what they do and some are not as good.  I had one who wanted me one EVERYTHING at high doses and I remember I was always out of breath and would sweat profusely in normal conditions. i was overmedicated.  If I did a few things in as short period of time, for instance, leave my wallet at a bar, and then forget another important thing, he'd tell me to increase my stimulant medication AGAIN.  I am not trying to discourage you from seeing somebody who could prescribe meds.  I just want to let you know whats out there.  

My current psychiatrist is AMAZING.  She has me on a low dose of two meds and she's very, very cautious which i think is a great thing.  I've developed a smooth relationship with her over a period of time but at first I was like  you and didn't want to open up to her because I thought I'd never get through to her.  It's nothing deep though and it doesn't have to be.  I only think about her when it's time for an appointment.  Once i leave it's like "bye felicia."  Some people, however, have strong bonds with their doctors.  I'm not one of those people.  

I hope I see you around more!  I think it's the smart and sensitive people who get the short end of the stick growing up  because you can think and feel on a higher level.  I think thats why nice, nerdy people are targeted.  People who are so very confident of themselves are often vain and misguided.  They live in a shallow universe.  

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20 hours ago, Daniel098 said:

Hello. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been depressed for maybe a year now and I am at the point now of just giving up. I cut myself because I hate myself so much. Only my best friend knows I cut and so does he. Every night I lie down on my bed and say to myself "Why haven't I ended it yet?" No one likes me, everyone thinks I'm weird, I have only 3 friends I hate my mom, my mom and dad have split up and I just feel like shit everyday. Everything gets worse day by day and I know by maybe the end of this month I am going to kill myself. I don't really know why I decided to upload this on here, I guess someone might see this and relate to me and hopefully I somehow change the way I look at myself soon. See you. Hopefully .

Welcome to CB.  I'm glad you posted.  There are a lot of people who are suffering from depression and sometimes it helps (for me) to know others have been through this type of thing and can relate.  There will probably be some suggestions on whats worked for others.  If nothing else I want to say please don't do any permanent solutions to temporary problems. 

Oh!  And being thought of as "weird"   Thats bad?  I wear that one like a badge.  I'm unique.  I'm unusual.  Hand me a guitar or a mic and I'll TRY to be weird ;-)   Well maybe not so much now.  I blew out my hearing.  Anyhow when I'm not getting a "Wow is he weird" vibe I'm discouraged.  What do I have to do???

Not that I'm any kind of expert but what do you think about talking to someone in the medical world about whats going on?   I had a mental meltdown talking to my GDoc and she got things fixed well enough that I was functional and not thinking being hit by a bus would be ok.  *I never wanted to end my life I just had a who gives a Shit attitude.     If you ever want to vent to people who can relate this is a good place with lots of good people.  

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