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I know mania isn't always the wonderful exhilarating mood that society seems to think it is but right now as I slip further into a depression I really wish I was manic, but the good mania. The one where I'm happy and carefree and I have so much energy and get things done. Mania really is wonderful especially when you're not having it and you've gone into a depressive mood and can look back and think please let me have those days back.

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4 hours ago, dazed and confused said:

I know mania isn't always the wonderful exhilarating mood that society seems to think it is but right now as I slip further into a depression I really wish I was manic, but the good mania. The one where I'm happy and carefree and I have so much energy and get things done. Mania really is wonderful especially when you're not having it and you've gone into a depressive mood and can look back and think please let me have those days back.

I understand where you are coming from.  Sometimes I think that too.  However I know that I do not want to crash.  That is the worst.  I can't deal with the world in any point in time until i get out from the hole ... which can take anywhere from days to weeks for me. 

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13 hours ago, lifequake said:

But I respect the gentle longing for euphoria when stuck in the Pit and gloom.

This exactly. 

Also, if I catch even the slightest wind of hypomania, I have a tendency to dive in. It's taken a lot of discipline recently to let my doctors know if this happens (usually means a temporary med increase).

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Totally understandable.  With the dregs I'm in now, I can't believe I was hypomanic a short while ago.  But I never seem to get the euphoria (maybe once).  I always get the nasty, edgy, uncomfortably wired, anxious as f, "cussing out strangers" flavor as previously mentioned.

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I used to only get the "good" hypo, but in the last 15 years, I have started having irritable hypomania episodes, and those really suck. So while I seriously long for a pleasant hypomania, I know there is no guarantee that that is the type I'll get.

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The evidence is that any mania, "good" or "bad", is an indicator of serious neurological damage being done to your brain. Given that there really is nothing like 'good" mania, not when it comes with this degree of neurological damage and kindling.

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In normal mood I do not seek mania, but I have the habit of drinking large quantities of caffeine with the aim of making high mood higher when I do get even a glimmer of it (and the higher my mood the more obsessed I am with caffeine). In recent times, after having been taken off escitalopram, which was making me hypomanic, I have gotten the idea of being non-compliant in the form of putting myself back on the escitalopram to deliberately make my mood higher, which I have had to resist. I have also had thoughts of intentionally sleep-depriving myself for this purpose as well, but I have held back on doing this because I live with my parents, and they would certainly not be happy if I stayed up all night.

Of course, all this is incredibly stupid of me, since I know how high my mood can get and how it was then (mind exploding with thought, intense paranoia, speaking a mile a minute, sensory overload in public places from hyperacusis, some reckless behavior, great difficulty sleeping, etc.)* and since the hypomania and rapid cycling that developed from being on the escitalopram has degenerated into mixed mood with moments where either the low component or the high component predominate, and all of this is likely to make the mixed mood more severe, and also my paranoia is back after having been absent for years, along with irritability (and at times overt, in cases intense anger) along with intense racing, often intrusive negative thoughts (which in one case were homicidal**). Still this makes hypomania no less attractive to me, such that when my mixed mood takes the form of essentially hypomania minus euphoria and plus some sourness, I impulsively down however much caffeine I can get my hands on in hopes of intensifying and extending it.

* I have never been told by a pdoc that this is mania, but I highly suspect it is.

** I was at the park with my daughter, and practically no one else was there, when four either older teenage or younger 20-something guys walked past, and I had the intrusive thought that they were coming to gang-rape my daughter and thus I had to kill them.

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On June 22, 2016 at 1:46 PM, aura said:

This exactly. 

Also, if I catch even the slightest wind of hypomania, I have a tendency to dive in. It's taken a lot of discipline recently to let my doctors know if this happens (usually means a temporary med increase).

Yes ^  I call it riding the wave.    I still struggle with trying to be proactive when manic. Not sure I will ever be able to give it up, crash or not. The cost seems to be nothing and distant at the time.   It's the special sauce of bipolar. 

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