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Just about ready to give up (TW)


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Hello, 

I don't know where else to post this but seeing as BPD is my "main" diagnosis I'll put it here. If mods want to move it, then go ahead.
Before I say what I want to say I guess I should give a little introduction. I go by springorange on this website and several others, and I'm 18 years old going on 19. Still really young. (Please don't judge me because of my age) I've been in and out of therapy since I was 13 and started self harming at the tender age of 11 years old. I truly wish I could go back in time and protect 11 year old me from the bad things in this world but I can't.

I tried committing suicide at least 10 times as far as I can remember, and have been hospitalized for it almost every single time. I've been institutionalized 3 times against my will and have been to 3 different mental hospitals. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm on Abilify Maintena right now and an antidepressant (Effexor XR,my fifth one!) and have tried pretty much every single type of therapy out there that's available in my town (And mind you, I live in a very small town with very little resources. Other therapists are a 3 hour drive away.) CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, and the list goes on. I still SH, but I don't feel pain in my arms anymore because of all the deep scarring. So I've resorted to my legs. This sucks, because it makes me feel even more empty than I already am.

I've been on disability for two months now because I can't go outside, go to school, or do any kind of training. I fail to get out of bed most days, despite having gone through intensive therapy and being on medication. And the depression, self doubt, self hatred, splitting, and psychosis pulls me down so much, that I'm completely exhausted just an hour after waking up. I'm lost. It cost me energy to type this. So now I'm here, and just about ready to give up. Has anyone else been in this kind of "all hope is lost" situation? Should I keep going on with therapy despite not moving forward? I just want to feel human again, but it seems like that's not possible.

Edited by springorange
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Hi springorange. 

I know it's hard and sometimes inconceivable to keep moving forward with therapy or life. It will feel like you are standing still or sinking and then it will get better. I have been in therapy and on meds since i was 20 (I'm 55 now) and it has saved me. 

Hang in there❤️

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I'm not going to toss butterflies into the air & point out rainbows.  I respect your suffering. 

However, I will say that closer-to-30 feels a lot different & less chaotic than closer-to-20.

Even when things don't get wholly better, they get different.  That's something you can count on.

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Springorange, have you tried ECT? It's a scary prospect, but I have had 9 (so far) and it's making a massive difference in ways I didn't expect, when other therapies and so on didn't seem to make an impact. BPD is not my primary dx, though it has been tossed around as a possibility. The point really is that life hurt, a lot, and I didn't know how I was going to be able to keep going. That's no longer true. Just waking up in the morning doesn't make me want to cry anymore. I'm not back at work yet, but I think I could do it now, and I was rapidly running out of ability to do that, before treatment.

Check out my thread on my experience thus far. Feel free to post questions there or PM me directly. Mostly, I want you to know that life doesn't have to hurt so much. I'm not denying that it *does* hurt you, but I'm really surprised how much of a difference ECT is making for me.

 

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