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Started cutting again after 14 years clean

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I have suffered from major depression and social anxiety since the age of 16. Im 32 years old now. have been through a lot of stuff in the last 5 years. wife cheated and asked for divorce. been separated from her for 5 years and in divorce now. met another woman in 2012. we had a kid together but then i found out she hid stuff from me and lied. for the last 3 years she has told me everyday she loves me and misses me so in march i decided to give her another chance just to turn around and find out she was lying to me again and hiding stuff from me. basically cheating. ive had a few suicide attempts in the last 3 years. my first one was in 2013. after that everything went down hill it seems. lost a good paying job, my car, my apartment, my friends. and ever sicne then i cant seem to hold a job. every woman i let my heart out to just stomps on it. dont have any friends. live with my brother and sleep on the couch. anyways first time i cut was when i was 18. it was only one time but still. i never cut again...till today. i just feel emotionally exhausted and the pain just helps me to stop thinking about things for a while.  Im not sure what else to do. I feel like im to my breaking point. doesnt help im drinking today also. first drink in 6 months. in my mind i guess cutting is better than other situations. ive tried counseling and different meds thoughout the years but nothing has helped. so now im on my own. sorry for the long post

[edited out specific method of self harm]


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Hi clark.

It's such a bummer to have a relapse in behavior. If cutting didn't help in some way, even if it causes more problems in the long term, people wouldn't do it. So in the sense that it's harm reduction to keep you from attempting suicide, I can see how it would make sense.

Cutting and drinking can be pretty dangerous in combination because of how alcohol lowers inhibitions. People have been known to accidentally cut deeper than intended and have serious unintended consequences.

Sometimes it takes the right combination of personalities to have effective therapy. It also sounds like you might benefit from some peer support as well. 

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It does sound like your relationship situation has been awful to deal with.  At least based on a friend's experience, the divorce itself is hard enough without tossing things like cheating or manipulation on top of it. 

I know you mentioned having previously attempted counseling, but maybe it's a situation of needing to find the right therapist like Woo mentioned?  Also, some people respond better to different forms of therapy, so it might not hurt to talk about which approaches you've had and whether there's something else out there. 

edited to add--in case you didn't catch it, there's a really good thread at the top of this forum that has a lot of self-harm alternatives.  I don't intend that as a criticism, but as a set of ideas that might help with handling things. 

Edited by dancesintherain
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I am no expert in anything but i this is one struggle i have actually gotten past so take this as personal experience only--Counsellors are normally willing to meet with you so you can see who would be a good fit. That along with making  sure you always have someone to talk to helps. I had a counselor once say that for some people, self harm is a way to manifest emotional stress and turn it into something we can watch heal. So relapse is so easy to fall in to when you feel like you've run out of options. There's always a better way to cope. Good luck, hope this helps

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