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Ypu know it's been 4 years since methadone and even longer since heroin.  Its always on my mind! I still do drugs once in a while but not dope. I find myself just thinking about using or even saying out loud fuck I need a perk. I know its a terrible idea and it will be very hard even if I have a pill in my hand to swallow it. But Jesus, there are alot of things that still cause my triggers and alcohol has  filled that void for me. I think its mostly the loneliness, self loathing, the huge loss in self confidence and respect that makes me want to use again. My teeth are fucked up from drugs and neglect. Shameful really. At one time in my life I could walk in a bar and everyone would stop to check me out. Women would approach me to start conversions. Dental work is way out of my price range, I hate hurting myself, and I do it in a passive way. "Nah fuck it, I'm not gonna brush cause they are fucked up anyway.. who cares.." Fuck it I'll eat at McDonald's for 3 meals a day months on end. 2 packs of cigarettes, 6 shots of scotch. End up a a whore house, wake up Hung over and hating myself some more. Money gone, fear and loathing, never liked the man in the mirror... yup guess I'm just rambling again. I hate medication, I won't take it. Hey look over there.. something else that makes me feel inadequate...

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I feel ya.

I never took any hardcore drugs or even had a substance problem but I do have a very addictive personality.  It has been my sheltered life with somewhat controlling parents that has kept me away from living like a rockstar.  

Well, actually, smoking is my drug.  I've been smoking a pack of Black and Mild cigars every day and it's gonna affect me sooner or later!

i can be very self destructive.  Eating, smoking, and sleeping.  Living the dream.

I could so easily be in your position right now.  

For some reason I've got lots of pride though.  I guess it can't hurt?   

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I get off on doing the wrong thing. Rebel with a sight set on self destruction. I even get a kick out of being put in handcuffs, talkin shit to the cops. Hell bent on ruining my own life. And there is nothing i can do about turning that switch off. I have a great family, mother over protective. My dad is a better man than anybody i have ever met, came up in a Upper middle class home. I always made it a point to do the opposite if whatever they said. My demons Thrive on misory and being wreckless. Barfights drama whiskey. I can't turn it off. I can avoid it most of the time but fear and antisipation of relapse is all to real. I almost want to throw it all away sometimes... you ever get those thoughts... Fuckin do it already you pussy! Life is better in a dumpster.. no body care anyway.....

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Thanks for the advice jt, the fact is if I were to see a real councilor, they may lock me up, or call the cops on other people and i dont want that to happen. I don't have much of a filter, and my life story is for the most part fuckin rediculus. So I bitch on the board to make myself feel a little better and press on the best that I can..... there is no anonymity in speaking with a counselor. They have legal obligations, I may say I want to kill someone or myself while just decompressing and next think you know I'm back in the paper. "This just in, local jackass gets arrested for making empty threats to his shrink"

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